how do you do this....?

Question

how do you stop caring and loving a person that you been with for20 years of your life mary for 11 years and you had to leave him because of mental abuse. how do you turn the love and caring complete off. I left but my feeling was still there . I need to stop loving him in my heart because it is tearing at me daily. I think of him constancly and it hurt . He hasn't told me he stop[ loving me but his action tell it all. he doesn't ( ifeel) want to be bother with me it been 5 month since we seperated and I tried to talk to him but he hangs the phone totally no communcation at all. I want closure be I need for him to tell me in words I tried of action speak louder than words saying I need to hear it. It that wrong? I don't want a divorce but i will get it just for not being with a person you are not with., I am going to counseling but it doesn;t help. I feel there is no way out but to get me out of pain with is death., please give my me some sound adivce. I do need it.

Answer 1

It is not unusual in situations like this to think that death would make it easier, but usually it's the other person's death!

He is obviously done with and over you. That is painful, but it's good for you, because it means you can move on without worry that he is going to try to hold on to you, stalk you, cause trouble, etc. And I know you don't want to stay married to someone who does not love you.

Sometimes when you still have feelings for someone, you hold out hope that he will change his mind, etc. You even do things to keep communication going and feel him out. Don't. As hard as it may be, with each day that you don't have contact with him, it will get a little better. Stay in counseling, and make sure you're checked for depression and that you tell your counselor about the feelings you have regarding death being better. Stick it out. If he wants to be with you (don't hold your breath) he will reach out if he doesn't hear from you and you can see how you feel then.

Answer 2

When you've been with someone for so long, it's hard not to love and care for them in the manner of being one. You have become very dependent on him and it's not easy to just change and become independent, but it's possible. When you said your vows two became one. It's difficult to seperate back again into two. Even though you may not want to, you CAN live with out him. Just take it one day at a time. It's a lot easier to live moment to moment.
The most important thing that you need to know is that God loves you more than anyone and even more than you or I can fathom. When you are having a tough moment, take some time and pray. Pray that God gives you the strenght to carry on; when you cannot stand on your own, pray that He provides someone for you to lean on; when you are feeling lonely and sad, that He wraps you tightly in His love. It's good that you are going to counseling but it would be better if you found a friend to cry with and a church family to nurture your spirit. God will keep you strong, but you have to make that first step to go to Him and then He will carry you the rest of the way.
I have been in that dark place where you are, where everything around you only seems to bring you pain. I know those thoughts that you think...the ones that make you feel that death is the only way out. It's not. Death only keeps you from being apart of life. There are people who love and care for you, that would be sad if you weren't a part of their lives.
Just remember one day at a time and God loves you every moment of every day. I will be praying for you.

Answer 3

I know how you feel! I also lost some one who was my world! And I am a firm believer that you NEVER stop loving. no matter how long you are away. It sounds like you need to do what I did get out and , be with friends, find a LOVER! not a conpanyon you have to be able to let go better before you get serious. And I DO NOT think for a second that death is the answer to anything!!!! I honestly beleive that if you hurt on this side you will on the other side as well!!! PLEASE DON'T resort to death you will feel better in time! I Promise!!!!!!

Answer 4

I suggest you sit down and write him a letter and tell him EVERYTHING you are feeling a have been feeling for a long time. Don't hold back, you don't have to look at him or have any contact with him, so you are safe to say whatever you need to. Whether you send it or not you will get it off your shoulders, and it is directed to him so it is more relieving than telling a counselor or a friend. My friend did this and gave the letter to me and we made a promise to each other that I would never tell her if I sent the letter and she would never ask if I did. Once she did this she was able to start thinking clearly and more about herself. Don't forget you are the most important factor in this equation whether you think so or not, so give yourself the respect that you well deserve!! Good Luck!!

Answer 5

You really should consider seeing a counselor or a therapist. Most people would have a hard time letting go of a 20 year relationship, but to be thinking of ending your life because of it is something that should be dealt with by a professional. Please consider getting help, soon!!!!! You CAN make a life for yourself that does not include your ex.......it won't be easy considering you still have feelings for him, but it can be done and you can be a better person because of it. You first have to take care of yourself and gain some self love and respect.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

This is natural to feel this way. You were with him for 20 years of your life. He is trying a different kind of abuse now. Don't let him do this. You have already taken the hardest step there is to take. Move forward knowing that it will only get better, not worse. You are a person that deserves so much more than you were giving and you will receive better. Time will heal this. You just have to let yourself heal. Keep friends and family close.
Been there. It will get better.

Answer 7

You need to start by loving yourself. Once you have learned to love yourself, your demands will call for you to find partnership with someone who will love you and not abuse you. Reread what you have written. You are a compassionate person and you have love to give someone...guess what, you are wasting your love on a jerk, what do you think it would be like if you gave that love to someone else...someone who would appreciate it. That would be nice, don't you think? Girl learn to love you!! And then move into a relationship with someone who is worthy of having you!!!
And forget the death idea as an escape for your pain. Death will not get you out of pain...it may add pain to your existence depending on where you go after you die.

Answer 8

OK -- you were being abused but now you are in so much pain that you would prefer death?? Have you even tried to listen to yourself? Hell, this guy has managed to screw you up as much as him! You need to shake this funk off and start listening to your counselor vs ignoring him/her. Your whole problem is you are addicted to your emotions. Stop it. Eat a gallon of rocky road ice cream then make up your mind to help yourself for a change. It isn't closure you are looking for, it's sympathy. Well forget it. This guy is incapable of it so stop bugging him.
This is one choice only you can make --- life or despair. I suggest you give life a try.

Answer 9

A person that has mental abuse someone has taken your power away from you and the thing is you need to take your power back its the game they play with you they beat you down and then you think you can't life without them and it just take time to believe in yourself again but you can do it. Just remember you have been beaten down.....just give yourself time to heal you have 20 years of healing to deal with.

Answer 10

THIS IS ONE OF THE HARDEST KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS TO END, TRUST ME I HAVE BEEN THERE, OVER TIME YOU WILL SEE THAT IT IS ALL MIND CONTROL OVER HIS PART. YOU HAVE TO STAY IN COUNSELING AND MAYBE EVEN PUT ON AN ANTIDEPRESSANT SHORT TERM TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH EVERYTHING. STY CLOSE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY DO NT ISOLATE YOURSELF IT WILL MAKE IT WORSE KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOU LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER THERE ARE MILLIONS OF MEN OUT THERE. DO NT JUMP INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP FOR A YEAR OR MORE, GO TO CHURCH IF YOU BELIEVE IN THAT, KEEP BUSY FORCE YOURSELF TO EAT AND GET REST DO NT DWELL ON THE PAST BUT FOCUS ON YOURSELF , WALK OR JOIN A GYM EXERCISE I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TO HAVE STRENGTH IF YOU HAVE KIDS TOGETHER POUR ALL YOUR ENERGY INTO THEM THEY SUFFER MORE THAN ANYONE