domestic violence,why women should leave!?

Question

more women should be aware that there are safe houses,I was in a very violent marriage for 23 years because he terrified me,but worst of all its the psycological damage thats done to the poor children whose stuck there,my kids are still tirrified of him 9 yrs later,I wish i would of left yrs ago.

Answer 1

I think people are aware of safe houses being around but not sure how to get into 1 and not enough support is given. I was running away from my ex for 5 yrs. I moved all over Wales Ireland and England. Every time he found me the police wouldn't do anything saying that it was a domestic. Even when i said we had split years earlier they replied that even if he was harassing me in 20 yrs they would still class it as a domestic. When i wanted an injunction against him i couldn't afford to pay the cost and when i was in the safe house it was too expensive. When someone decides to leave a violent relationship it is a very big and brave step and to have it pushed back in your face is devastating.

Answer 2

firstly congrats on posting this question, secondly congrats also 4 leaving.
i was in a very violent relationship 4 3 yrs, it started after i fell pregnant and continued until my son was 14 months old. i had the strength 2 leave then because a male friend whom i'd know for a very long time convinced me none of it was my fault, he also confessed his feelings 4 me. anyway, he took me and my son in2 his home. this was the only way i could have left, i was so scared of him and knew in the end that he was a coward and always ran away from confrontation with other men. so once i'd left i changed my mobile number and he never came near me again.
i should mention i left a few months before this and he'd found me at this supposed safe house, needless 2 say he got 2 me and i was convinced once again it was all my fault , he'd said if i was good it wouldn't happen again.
it's all ended happily ever after, i now have a gorgeous baby with my rescuer and we're very close. he understands what happened 2 me and never gives me reason 2 think he's the same, he makes me feel completely safe. it has taken my son a while 2 get used 2 another man in his life and was very unsure of him at first but now it's like he's his own son.
my ex has been stopped from seeing my oldest son by social services as he was so violent.

Answer 3

There are womens aid refuges all over the uk no-one has to suffer any more, I never knew about these places until I was out of a violent relationship, thankfully he left me in the end,but I endured 12 years abuse from him, including a severe attack after he had left me!
My advice is get out asap I know its terrifying but it wont stop he will only get worse.
People stay cos its too frightening to leave as he nearly always threatens to come after you. it is terrifying but its a process you have to go through to get your life back no-one has to live like that its abuse.
A great book to buy is one called `The Charm Syndrome` by Sandra Horley, it tells you why some men make dangerous lovers, if you`ve lived with a violent man it will be like reading your life reading this book. its a brill book and will help you see light at the end of the tunnel.
good luck to anyone in this rotten situation& get out as soon as you can!!
I wish I`d left him as soon as he became abusive-which was the day before we wed-my life would have been so much better and my son would not have had to endure the misery and fear of a violent dad.
they arent worth it, leave them and go find a nice man they do exist!

Answer 4

I would like to say congratulations to you for leaving him and admitting that you should have left him years ago.
I too was in a rel where he used to beat me on a reg basis. I was with him for 14 years, i only stayed with him for so long because i thought that i was doing the right thing because we have 2 children.
The attacks only used to happen when the children was in bed so i thought that the children was not aware of what was going on.
But one day he hit me in front of the children and that was the day that we was over.
Of course my children did know what was going on and like you i only wished that i left sooner than what i did.
The children are fine now with what has happened but it has took nearly a whole year for them to relax and for them to know that we are safe and secure now.
God we all think that we are doing the right thing at the time but at the end of the day he insight is a wonder full thing
well done to you

Answer 5

A I MARRIED A MAN 7YRS AGO I AM EMBARRASSED TO SAY IT LASTED 10WEEKS AFTER I MARRIED HIM HE WOULD PHONE ME FROM THE OFFICE ABOUT 9/10 TIMES A DAY IF I DIDNT ANSWER IT WAS WERE DID YOU GO? (I DIDNT HAVE ANY MONEY OF MY OWN I DIDNT WORK HE REFUSED TO GIVE ME ANY MONEY AND BOUGHT THE SHOPPING HE OPENED UP AN ACCOUNT AT A CLOTHES STORE BUT HE WOULD CHOOSE MY CLOTHES IT WAS MADNESS I PUT MY KIDS THROUGH THAT SH*T FOR WHAT? THEY ARENT HIS
WE DIDNT LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED I HAD A NICE HOUSE THE KIDS WERE OK THEN I MOVED INTO A NIGHTMARE SO 10WEEKS LATER I LEFT HIM HIS CASH HIS BEAUTIFUL HOUSE AND HIS SORRY *** GOOD BYE WE LIVED IN A HOSTEL AND I FELT FREE FREE FREE I LOST ALL MY THINGS (HE MADE ME GIVE ALL MY STUFF AWAY SAYING HE HAD A HOUSE FULL OF THINGS WE DIDNT NEED MORE ) 5YERS THE GUY WAS NORMAL THAN WHAM A RAVING NUTTER I ONLY LASTED 10WEEKS BECAUSE THE HOSTEL WAS FULL GET OUT ANYONE LIVING WITH A CONTROLLING FREAK

Answer 6

I was watching one of those silly judge shows the other day & that judge had spent 13 years of her carreer in domestic violence. It really hit home when she said "The very FIRST time a man raises his hand to you...THAT is the time to leave!! Do NOT hesitate at that first moment....get your kids & RUN THAT MINUTE as far as you can." Boy did she mean it. She went on to say of her experience that she had NEVER seen one of these violent bastards change! They only get worse & they always went on to abuse other women. Man was she serious!!

Answer 7

it doesn't matter how much support there is for the woman, if she is not ready in her mind to leave then she won't. i've been there, and luckily i didn't have kids, i had so many places to go but because of his mind games i thought i could help him. eventually i got tough and managed to get him out, but it took time until something snapped inside me.
i eventually went to the police to have him prosecuted, and was met by a police woman who actually put me off doing it!!
at the time i was weak but i now wish i had done it as he plagued me for years after, it doesn't matter now as i am now married to the man of my dreams, who treats me like a queen!
but all i can say is, for these woman to know the options she can take and for her friends and family to be there for when she can finally break free.

Answer 8

Congrats on escaping this man. It's not easy to leave when some-one scares you so much. And for those who don't know, often these guys don't show their true colours till it's too late. I hope you and the kids one day get over this and find a nice gentle man who'll love you all.

Answer 9

Good for you! You finally saw sense and left. If you hadn't you or the children may not be around now to tell the tale, doesn't bear thinking about. Good luck, not all men are like that, honest.

Answer 10

I think the support networks that are available to victims of domestic violence need to be publicised more widely. Doubtless financial constraints are the main reason they are not. Violence of any sort is abhorrent in any civilised community and should NEVER be tolerated.