how do i deal with my parents' nasty divorce?

Question

my parents have been getting divorced for over a year now, and they just can't seem to work things out. it is very distressing when my mom (who walked out on my dad) comes around he house because it is still technically hers. i am in colleg now, and i worry for the mental health of my two younger siblins, ages 16 and 14. i do not want them to grow up in a confusing and rocky marital environment. i just want them to settle the divorce and be done with it. how do i convey that to them? and also how do i try to not worry about it when i am away at school?

Answer 1

talk to your parents about it, you have the right to care about your siblins

Answer 2

You have no obligation to talk to his girlfriend, but do not place the blame on her, it was your father's choice and he bears the blame. Leaving your mom for her friend is a nasty blow for your Mom and not kind of your father at all. This is more the fault of your father, not the other woman. He is the one who left your Mom and made the choices he made. He is the one who broke marriage vows and broke the family apart. The other woman is at fault the most for being a horrible 'friend' to your Mom. You do not need to make more effort to know her or talk with her, your dad does not sound like he feels bad or will ever apologize, and he chose the separate life so I guess he will need to get used to it. You should live YOUR life and do what feels OK with you. I am appalled that he blames YOU for making him uncomfortable - he did it to himself with his choices. She is not brainwashing him - this is what he wants and what he chose and he wants you all to just accept it and quit hassling him. Was he always selfish like this? I bet if you think you will see he has not changed much. BTW - There are divorces that are not nasty. I have a few friends who have had friendly ones, but they happen when there are not 'ugly' circumstances that cause the divorce. Get on with your life and try to keep out of the drama as much as you can. It's your parents drama - not yours!

Answer 3

Its always the toughest on the kids, even teenagers. You need to sit down with your siblings and have an open discussion with them. See, parents don't often consider the side effects of their actions and to me, it seems like your mom is coming back just to get back at your dad, but at the same time, is putting you kids thru living hell.

Don't know what state your in, but if a legal separation has been filed, she should not have any right to come over like that until the property settlement is done. She is not suppose to have access to anything unless the court orders it or your dad OKs it.

Good luck, many people go thru this ordeal and make it. Just be there for your siblings.

Answer 4

Kate,
I love that fact that you care about your siblings. Because of that point of view I think you should convey that to your parents. Do NOT take sides on the issue but just point out what you are seeing with your siblings. Being an adult in this issue could have them both telling you to stay out of it, but at your age you deserve to say your piece. As for worrying about them (your parents) while you are away at school, they are adults just like you and have enough to worry about, just like you. Keep focused on your studies and keep in contact with the sibs, they need your support more then either one of your parents.

Good job stepping up to see that there is a problem here. Sometimes people in divorce do not see what they are doing to others.
Best of luck with this and in school. Keep the grades up, and consider a field that is people centered because you have a high emotional intelligence!

Answer 5

I think that you being involved with the younger kids is the most ESSENTIAL thing. All of you have grown up in a Divorce-type generation and probably have more friends whose parents are divorced than when I was young.

The reminder that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they cannot get along. My favorite is to be able to utilize all the things that you know to be their faults, and help yourself by not practicing what you have seen in your life growing up with angry parents.

The entire generation now is in such a ROCKY state as it is, that even thinking of someone elses problems seem real silly. I suggest that these children, and yourself should star a new club called the "Survivors" club. Remind your parents that you are a member in this, and they must respect all that you 3 must determine as THE RULES for the KIDS.
ie:
1. No arguing in front of the kids
2. NO HITTING
3. No dissing of theother parent when alone with the kids
4. No court results to the kids
5. NO separation of the kids

and all should be followed to the LETTER BY THE PARENTS!
You are all old enough to SET YOUR BOUNDARIES!

Tell your parents that YOU HAVE decided this, and that THEY MUST adhere to the rules. They will think twice bfore involving your prescious childhood with adult bull pucky!

Answer 6

The divorce is between your mom and dad. Your siblings are not babies and although they are not happy about the divorce they at least understand it because of the way your parents behave towards each other. Hopefully your parents behave around the two siblings.

As for not worrying about them while your at school, you will to an extent. When you talk to them, just tell them that you do not want to hear about their problems.

Answer 7

Tell yourself it is not your responsibility to be worried about it.Being concerned is good enough. Tell them of your concern for your siblings. My parents are divorced, and I survived only because I didn't let it get in my way. I was deputy head girl in high school, and graduated *** laude from university. Keep focussed, and it will be okay. Spend a lot of time with your siblings. Let them see that the love for them is going no where.

Answer 8

kate it's good that you are away, it's their fight, lucky for your siblings they have a place to go for peace. You cannot control how your parents act so there is no sense in wasting your energy in worring about it. Spent your thinking on how you can plan to take your siblings out next time your home, or plan your next converstaions with them to make them feel that the world is much bigger than the family bickering. Your a good sister.

Answer 9

This is very good blog, a beginner’s guide to abnormal psychology.
Short, clear and simple; and you can even post your question
http://sensitive-psychoworld.blogspot.com/

Answer 10

my parents got one 4 weeks ago. i know, i sucks, but i try to 4-get about it!! i mean think about it, you have 2 rooms, 2 christmas's, and 2 EVERYTHING!!!!!! think of the good things, not the bad ones!!