am i right to disown my mum?

Question

i was sexually abused for yrs as a child by mum's father.
my mum knew it was happening but did nothing to stop it.
i cant forgive her for this, i cant stand to look at her so much so that i have moved to another country. i think she owes me an apology for screwing my life up. she says its not her fault it happened. but i think it is as he did the same thing to my mum.
i dont understand why she didnt protect me from him.
i have kids of my own and i would do anything to protect them.
my gran died recently and my mum still goes to her house everday and cooks and cleans for her dad, when she rings me she talks about him all the time as if nothing has happened it makes me sick.
i want to get on with my life and forget about her do you think im right i can never forgive her.
the only people that know what happened is my mother and my husband. no one else knows about this.

im also worried that he may have done it to my younger brother but how do i find out without telling him what happened to me. it would kill him to find out what happened.

Answer 1

Horrendous, amazing how you have not only survived what must have been endless ordeals but you have thrived and appear to be a very well balanced woman. Beats me how you have gone through what you say but you have, when pushed and cornered, you either cower down and get crushed or you stand up and come out fighting. You are a fighter and like all fighters you have your scars, even when the wounds heal they leave scar tissue. THAT woman has her history, she has nothing to offer you other than pain, you cannot change her or the past, leave the past where it now belongs, yup, in the past. Cut away those ties, if need be change your telephone number. Do not feel guilt, easy to say. Have no qualms of any inheritance, do not allow any emotional blackmail. All so easy for me to say, not so easy to do. You have a life, healthy children and hopefully a good caring husband, be grateful for what you have, you are blessed. I hope I have confirmed much that is in your head and heart. Good luck to you and "your" rightful family.

Answer 2

You need to get some help to deal with everything that has happened to you. Continueing to allow the incident(s) to rule your life is hard on you and your relationships with others. You may never be able to completely get rid of your anger and disgust but I think you must find a way to come to terms with your childhood traumas. Remember your Mum is a product of her childhood which you know she was abused. This may have been something she denied and so in her mind it didnt happen and if it didnt happen to her then she would not need to protect you. Im not saying she was in any way right. For your own sake you need to figure out a way to put your Mum in a place in your life that creates the least pain for you. I think you will need some professional help to do that. I wish you good luck and hope it all works out for you.

Answer 3

I can relate in more ways then I care to admit and I think that sometimes you don't have a choice but to draw a line and back away from someone even if they are your mother. You have every right to be upset with her but you have to know that your mom doesn't know any other way of life. She grew up being abused and that has to have messed with her head..her emotions...and her ability to know right from wrong.

I think you need to find a way to forgive her for your own sanity BUT you can only do that in your own time. If your not ready yet then keep your distance and you'll know when the time is right.

Answer 4

Im so sorry to hear your situation. You went through something that no child should ever go through. You have every right to feel the way that you do. I would, however, seek therapy to deal with the hurt and pain it has left you. I am glad to see that you have an understanding husband and im sure he will agree that you need to seek therapy for past issues. As far as your brother........i would have a heart to heart talk with him and let him know what happened, it might just give him the opportunity to open up to you also. Whatever you do you will be in my prayers

Answer 5

I understand why you want to disown your mother and I think you are right to do so. In her role as a mother you needed her to speak up, protect and defend you, as her child. Children are too young to do so for themselves and because children do not have the mental capability to understand their surroundings, the mother needs to do these things. I am sorry about your past, it is sad that happened to you.

I am responding to your question bc I think seeing a therapist would be very beneficial to you. You are able to sort out your surfaced and repressed feelings and you can explain your concerns to someone who is a licensed professional. This question you are asking reflects that you have a lot of unresolved question and emotions that are best dealt with a professional.

Good luck to you

Answer 6

Your mother has so much to anwer for and I pray that God has mercy on her soul. Most definetly, she owes you the deepest of apologies. You are not obligated to speak or have any dealings with your mother. You will not be able to live until to rid yourself of all the hurt and negativity in your life. Love your mother, send her cards during the holidays, talk to her very seldomly. But most importantly, HEAL. Allow your mother a chance to "see" what she has done. Time alone will show her. Pray for God to show her the error of her ways. And believe me, He will. I'm sorry for your pain. No one should be subjected to such abuse, especially from the one who brought you into this world. You deserve so much more.

Answer 7

A mother's job is to protect her children. She did not do that. But, maybe he did the same to her and she is not willing to admit it. No the less she should have seen to it that you were never alone with him and tried to protect you instead of causing you all of this pain. Talk to a counselor and try to work out you issues and when you get to a point that you can deal with it then deal with her if you feel that you need to.

Answer 8

oh my! that's not good. u have every right 2 disown her. i have recently went 2 therapy & discussed my abusive mother & the ? i asked my therapist was is it wrong 4 me not wanting 2 deal w/my mother 4 the things she's done 2 me & she stated that i have the choice 2 not deal w/her just b cuz she's my mom i don't have 2 deal w/her. she has done some cruel things 2 me & she tells family members that doesn't have 2 apologize 2 me as long as GOD forgives her. that is very selfish & cruel of her i love her as my mom but i don't like the things she's done 2 me & i have chose not 2 deal w/her.

Answer 9

well now all of yahoo does, and i think that if your mom isnt willing to accept responsiblity and respect the fact that you are upset and dont want to hear about her dad then you do need to move on and accept that shes never going to do that. i think find someday u need to it in ur heart to forgive her though or else youll carry that weight on you shoulders for a very long time, im not saying now is the time and it doesnt even have to be a forgivness that she knows about. but when it comes down to it its all on you to let it go and move on

Answer 10

You owe her nothing. If nothing else, a parent should at least protect the child. I think that, yes, you should get on in your life without her in it and tell her that you no longer wish to hear from her or see her.