He is 56 and married, I am 40 single never married my mum lives with me. We have known each other a couple of years and recently he made it known that his marriage was a sham and he had fancied me for ages. We have slept together and been out. I hav emet his mum who says she is pleased he is happy with me in fact gave us our blessing. He is head over heels in love with me, but I am more cautious, probably because I have my mother to consider she would be horrified if she knew he was still married. They share the same house. He says he will leave her as soon as I say that I want him, but I want to get to know him better, get used to having him around. It feels like a catch 22, I don't want to lose him but at the same time I can't give him 100%. Your advice please.
2006-10-29 03:43:57 · 41 answers · asked by mollygirl20002000 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tell him to leave his wife if he isn't happy then the 2 of you can consentrate on having a future together. If he won't understand this try talking to his mother she may be able to talk to him on your behalf.
2006-10-29 05:47:21 · answer #1 · answered by Jo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well i feel really sorry for his wife. He's a right old git innit. Fancy treating his wife this way.
My sisters husband told his bit of stuff that and all the time he was having sex with both of them. Her divorce lawyer said men often find somewhere to go before they leave their wife. Unlike women who are more above board and leave when they fall out of love.
This man needs a mum not a real woman. Don't you empathise with his poor wife? Do you really think he tells the truth? Do you think he could do the same thing to you in a couple of years? Your mother sounds like a wise woman. My advice is find a single man. Or tell him to get in touch with you when he's left his wife and has a place of his own. If it's true love perhaps he will do the latter.
If it's that you have a very soft romantic nature, it might be that he has taken advantage of you and lied. I hope you don't get too hurt really. I hate it when vulnerable people are taken advantage of. IF THAT'S THE CASE.
2006-10-29 06:10:16 · answer #2 · answered by : 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've known a few people in this situation. If he was really interested and was serious about leaving his wife then he would have done it by now or sooner rather than put you in a second rate situation. It's not fair on you or his wife. I would stay away and tell him to give you a ring when he's sorted it out and if he doesn't then don't be too gutted about it...
Good luck
2006-10-29 03:52:20 · answer #3 · answered by kayleigh e 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he can't leave her, he does not love you. Why is it on you to say you "want him"? You are sleeping with him and you are in love with him - that doesn't say you want him? He is 56, thus he should be able to make some decisions on his own, like creating a life for you two - as you are the one he loves, and the more obvious - leaving his wife and getting a divorce. If he is doing this to her, why wouldn't he do it to you? Use caution and set some boundaries. Don't stick around and wait and see. Cheating is cheating, no matter how many angles or excuses you put on it. I wish you the best.
2006-10-29 03:52:55 · answer #4 · answered by Carey L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We girls should stop our expectations! Though I'd really love to support you by saying: sweeties, divorce is a change of life, give him time. it's also a matter of huge expenses.
But I think they are right, you should run, far far away from this horrible relationship. I'm in the same situation as yours now, what's worse, mine is a long distanstance relationship, though he is on the way to get divorce, went to the court already, waiting to sign the seperation paper. I can fully understand your feelings now, but look, if he loves you why he's just right there with no actions, even never mention any plans about your guys' future? I think, who they only care is just themselves!
Stop expecting, I know it's hard to move on, but try not to contact him, be detached, see what's going on, that's what I'm doing now.I'm not sure if it's the best way but are there any other ways???
Good luck to all the girls in the same situation, bless you!
2006-10-29 05:24:28 · answer #5 · answered by jennyleeyang530 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh Mollygirl....my best advice to you is RUN!!! Run far away and fast. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I seriously just went through this. I'm younger, 32 and I started seeing and sleeping with a married man who said he loved me. He said I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he couldn't wait to be with me. His whole family knew about me and they were thrilled that he was happy. He actually did seperate from his wife and the whole thing blew up terribly! The reason...he didn't give himself enough time to be alone to figure out his true feelings. Another person complicates that and can cloud thinking. If your guy truly wants to leave his wife, then he has to do it for himself because the marriage truly is damaged and beyond repair, not simply because he wants to be with you. Anyone who jumps from a marriage right into another relationship has a fear of being alone and they don't know themselves. You deserve a healthy, functional relationship. Not one born from an ultimatum. He should be leaving his wife even without you saying you want him because it's the right thing to do. You may not want to lose him, but you need to. Good luck.
2006-10-29 03:54:39 · answer #6 · answered by Emmamart 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know about giving him 100% - I think giving him anything more than you have already is enough.
Reality check!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be very honest with yourself about this, and that this man is in reality, meeting his own needs with you where he says he isn't with his wife. If his marriage were a sham, then he'd have gotten out of it a long time ago and made a real committment to you. But he has only given you crumbs of his time and love and any blessing from his mother, do not signify anything more than the fact that he is taking you for a ride.
I know that you do not beleive this and that he genuinely does love you, I am sure there is some element of truth on his part that he does have feelings for you, but to love someone means commitmment and it also means respect. His is direspecting his wife by doing what he is with you and whether he wants to be with her or not, doesn't change the fact that that he has had a few years to get his act together with you and hasn't.
Men, very very rarely will leave a wife and because of the connectedness he has had and shared with her for so long and the fear of that loss will be enormous for him no matter what he feels for you. It is very unlikely that he is going to offer you more out of this than what he already has and even if you do say yes to him, does not mean anything until he comes to you first with genuine divorce papers at hand.
You hardly know this man if you need more time to get to know him and how can you love someone you hardly know in the first place?. Your instincts are telling you to walk away - your indecision is telling you that this situation isn't exactley right and that something is going to go horribly wrong and it will if you decide to have anything more to do with him.
Find out from his wife what the real situation is if necessary and I am sure that you will find things aren't quite what he wants you to think they are. Be very cautious, because this man is never going to leave his wife no matter what he is telling you - he would have done that for you by now if he loved you.
Run as fast as you can from this creep, because he is nothing more than an imaginary fairytale and you are still young enough to meet someone deserving of you and who will offer you what you are looking for in a man because this man is not the genuine article and is setting you up big time - I can see this from what you have written.
2006-10-29 05:39:32 · answer #7 · answered by Shikira-trudi 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My love, i really feel for you as I am in a similar situation x in that i'm involved with a married man. I don't think he's lying to you i think he's damned if he stays with his wife and damned if he leaves her to be with you.
I know its hard to decide about commitment but i'm sure you'll find you will reach that with time.
i would suggest a break for a short period of time to actually see how much you miss each other, i'm sure that won't be easy for either of you but love always finds a way.
Check out my question I posted yesterday in marriage & divorce
I am inturmoil....
2006-10-29 05:49:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Again, I'll say I am not here to judge. I don't feel that this is a situation where you will be happy in the long run. He is married, probably no intentions of leaving his wife. You are walking into a life that will not be pleasant. You will eventually start to wonder if he is not being faithful to you. Pretty much, the writing is on the wall. Your choice.
2006-10-29 04:30:24 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl! REALLY! WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN! He is not fair game! AND BESIDES if his marriage was a "SHAM" then he should LEAVE it regaurdless of weather he has someone to rebound onto! I personally would walk away from it all and reasess my self esteem! I know you're 40 and single and if prob feels like youre "running out of time" but really you're just wasting more valuable time by staying in this situation!
I also KNOW that if he does LOVE you then that MEANS he does'nt LOVE HER! So, he should have no problem divorcing her! Period!
Stop "cheating" with him...it's not right its selfish...tell him if he does LOVE you and his marriage really is a sham then he should ge a divorce. Then after a long while of living your own lives for a while ...if you still feel the same about eachother DATE. Get to know eachother.
But really. Don't be fooled by FLATTERY! I know its most girls dreams to feel "special" in these situations, but step back from your own "emotions" on this and just look at HIM! He is confused....doesn't know what he wants (cuz if he did he wouldn't NEED your verbal validation) and he has NO respect for the woman he went through A WEDDING and VOWS with. Imagine if you had gone through all that emotions and trusting and planning and finally feeling like ..."ok were married...we will always be together...I can trust him...I love him."...and then he cheats on you and basically has a whole "second" life going on that you don't even know about! Its happening to her! Don't think that youre so special (to him) that it wont happen to you.
Get away for a while don't text, dont call, dont "get together" give yourself another road to walk and consider.
Then decide.
Somebody else is out there! He is DAMAGED GOODS!
Besides how can he expect you to give him 100% if he isn't giving it to you! He is just stalling and getting what he wants....and obviously you already gave it to him. He wins! You lose! Game over!
Hes prob lieing about other things too!
2006-10-29 04:06:11 · answer #10 · answered by Al 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out of the relationship. He can't be trusted. If his marriage is a sham, then why not end it. Did he tell his wife he is seeing you? I bet not. If he doesn't have the courage to end his marriage (which he should be working on to begin with), then what do you think is going to happen when you are with him and a 32 year gets his fancy? You are making a mistake. People who engage in an affairs while married rarely if ever marry the person they had the affair with after the marriage is over. Get out: you are young and you will meet someone else who is single and available.
2006-10-29 03:51:12 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋