My ex and I were together for over five years, about 2 weeks ago I broke off our relationship and asked him to leave. Ever since he left he has been spending everyday around my family members and finding excuses to stop by my house. When he stops over he lingers around. I sat him down and asked him why he was doing this and he said he didn't have anywhere else to go. But he does have a large group of other friends he used to spend time with while we were together. What is his deal? I told him that by being around so much it made things harder for me, but he didn't respond. I think he is already out meeting other women, I saw him dancing with another woman last weekend, and last night he stopped by to pick up a set of keys all decked out ready to go out. I need some input here. I was thinking of talking to him about us going to counseling, but don't know if I should bother.
2006-10-29 02:45:49 · 13 answers · asked by kandekizzez 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No their is nothing physical going on at all.
2006-10-29 02:56:04 · update #1
He does not want to leave you and he is also trying to make you jealous. If he can make you jealous then maybe there is still hope. But the ball is in your court. Do what you want.
2006-10-29 03:03:39 · answer #1 · answered by ally_oop_64 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
5 years is a lot to get over in just 2 weeks. Your going to go through a lot yourself, not the same way but your going to miss lots of stuff about him. He's just going back to his comfort zone. Remember if you did the breaking up then it will be a bit easier for you to deal with.He maybe going out but he's not happy with that. Counseling would be great if he sincerely agrees. It has to be a 2 way street. Sit him down and ask him what he's been doing when he goes out. If he's never been a cheater or a liar then he should be able to look you in the eye and tell you. If you can make him cry, usually when a guy cries he'll open right up. If he feels that he has just lost the best thing that has ever happened to him, he'll do anything to get you back. If you start dating him again it's on simple terms: it's you he sees and only you ( you also must do the same) and you want to start over fresh...just like 5 years ago but better, no living together until your married and he has to be decked out when he comes to see you. If he loves you he'll be like a little boy again and worship the ground you walk on. DO NOT MESS WITH HIS HEAD!!!!!! Say what you mean, mean what you say, actions speak louder than words, yada,yada,yada. It's only you that knows if he is a good guy.....good enough to put the past behind you and look forward...only forward. Can you trust this guy? You broke it off after 5 years.........if it was for petty reasons then he deserves another chance......but if he was cheating/lying or stealing then you have already made the right decision.
2006-10-29 03:14:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know you asked for men's advice only, but I couldn't help but notice your question. I recently got separated and then divorced from my boyfriend/husband of 14 years and he did the same thing. In fact he still hangs out with my family sometimes, even after 8 months. I have one sister who lives right next door to me and he will bring his new girl friend over to her house and has BBQ's with them all. He use to come back to my house and sit around as well.
I think they do it because they still love us. It sounds to me like your ex wants you back and is making himself show up in places that he knows you will either see him or hear about him being there. If you are interested in making it work with him, now might be a good time to do so. I do not know your problems with him but maybe counseling would be a good idea. However I advise you to make sure he is worth it and is going to be someone you want to stay with forever, other wise it makes no sense to go through the pain of a break up over and over. Or the heartache of staying in a relationship that you know isn't fulfilling you. If you do not want to get back with him, you may have to do what I did and train yourself not to worry about what he does. I have learned that I can not change other people, so I have to change myself. It's hard work sometimes but can be done. The brain is a very powerful tool.
Tell yourself you don't care what he does and mean it. Force yourself to think of something else. Let him hang out with your family if he wants to. Take it as a sign that you have a cool family. Don't let it bug you. Don't tell him that it bugs you either. If he is doing this to get your attention then it will only verify to him that he has. When he, or your family members tell you something he has done, give only positive feed back and wish him well in all he does. I have noticed that my attitude and cheerfulness in this hard time has helped not only me feel better, but it has helped him in the separation. After all it is very hard to change patterns and friends that you have had for years. It will come in time. He will get the picture. Be patient and above all be positive. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you think and speak positively.
I wish you well and want you to know you are not alone. I've been through many a box of tissue in the last 8 months. Cry and let it out and then get right back to being cheerful.
2006-10-29 03:24:08 · answer #3 · answered by M C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is exhibiting the attributes of an adolescent adult. He is only worrying about gratifying his own love and acceptance needs...thus still hanging around you and yours.
He also wants to experience more of the lust/excitement of new relationships because many men of his age have not matured enough to realize viable relationships move through phases which (this is healthy and appropriate for well adjusted and mature couples). He feels anxiety because he has moved out of the "honeymoon" phase and is anxious because he no longer feels the intense sexual excitement (not to say he doesn't find you sexually stimulating --it simply doesn't have the "Newness" many men mistakenly connect with with love) and is looking for that feeling while still trying to maintain the comfort, reliability and companionship with you.
He is also trying to incite some jealousy from you...if you fight for him he gets to feel a little of the excitement he is looking for from you...as ill-conceived as it is, he is linking your jealousy with a gratification of masculinity and ego.
If you think it will help...and is worth it...get some joint counseling focusing on communication of feelings and desires. Otherwise he will continue to try and generate stress and anxiety from you while trying to self-justify himself.
There are many books dealing men and their misconceived masculinity...my favorite would be Iron John written by Robert Bly.
2006-10-29 03:08:55 · answer #4 · answered by silverback487 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He is in the weaning stage. And so are you. Make an in depth analysis of why you broke off... are the reasons still valid and as good as before? If yes, bar the door... he's messing up your recovery and the potential perhaps happier more exciting life... without him.
2006-10-29 03:40:28 · answer #5 · answered by McDreamy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need the counselling. The only reason you think you guys should go is because he is moving on and you don't like that. You probably thought he would just sit around crying for you. Guess what? You are wrong. Quit playing mind games. Get a life!
2006-10-29 02:51:24 · answer #6 · answered by joyall57 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sounds like he misses you very much and cant let go.
Just be unavailable and tell you family to do the same. Otherwise you could just remain friends, stranger things have happened.
2006-10-29 02:49:40 · answer #7 · answered by pixilated 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's too lazy to break away from you completely. Get on with your life and tolerate his behavior for a while. When you have a new love, he'll get over you.
2006-10-29 02:51:04 · answer #8 · answered by S K 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is still getting over you. Just keep pushing him away and letting people know that it is over, to help him find someone else and stay away from you.
2006-10-29 02:50:31 · answer #9 · answered by ronnny 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he wants the best of both worlds . he wants you for the sure "good time " but wants to play the field too. my advice to you is to let him go and move on . start seeing other guys . that will probably drive him insane, but it will do him and you some good in the long run.
2006-10-29 02:52:31 · answer #10 · answered by pickledaddy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋