Do I stay, or do I leave?

Question

Im 27 yrs of age, UNHAPPILY married, with 3 kids, 2 of which are my biological children. I work as a loan officer which in this day and age has its ups and downs. My wife works part time for USC and attends school fulltime. The original agreement was if you took accelerated units and completed school fast I would work and hold home down. That was 3 yrs ago. Times and money has changed. I asked her at the beginning of the yr to get a job so she could help. If need be take time off of school. Instead of taking a $60k a yr job she took a $13hr job so she could still go to school. Now money is super tight, behind on bills, and now Im the triflin one, im the one who isnt doing his job. Mind you im commision only. When I was out in the streets, I was everyting she didnt want. (Her opinion) Now im trying to do right, Im wrong! I fore warned her, she didnt listen. Now that money is gone and times are hard, she hates me. No Sex, Attention, the kids are constantly put ahead of me. Help!

Answer 1

After reading your question a second time, I had to add this: The kids are being put ahead of you? Well, in case you didn't know that, humans are wired to put their children ahead of themselves. Otherwise, we would do put them out to fend for themselves. And we would not be at the top of the foodchain because our species would have died out. Children need to be a very high priority in a family. Please read on.

I am doing a similar thing with my wife. And, she is not working at all outside the home, She does take care of the house and baby, which is about an 80 hour per week job. She is also holding down a full time schedule at school and doing the check book. She squeezes every last penny out of every dollar we have. Somehow we manage on my meere 30 grand per year.

A couple of times we have had financial problems over the last 3 years and she has wanted to go to work and help out. I have insisted that we keep doing what we are doing since for her to stop school would mean we would have to start paying back the student loan and if she worked, then we would have to pay more daycare. This would all add up to actually having less money in the end, or to default on a student loan, which would mean she would be stuck at the low-paying job.

I have found that knee jerk reactions are usually harmful. But sticking to a plan and adjusting it as needed, without panic, tends to work better in the long run.

You may have noticed I used the word "we" a lot. You and she need to renegotiate or whatever, to make the thing work. If you are off in your own head all full of resentments, that is going to create more problems. Discuss your concerns with her. Weigh it all out.

If you can't come to an agreement, seek counseling. It is easy to get tunnel vision when the pressure builds. Money is usually a big deal in a marriage. The lack of it, that is. So get someone in the middle that has no agenda- meaning a counselor. Discuss stuff. You may be surprised how much better you feel after you get some imput from someone who can look at your situation objectively. Most of the better feeling will come from being reminded that you have more options than you think.

When all else fails, you may look into yourself and ask yourself why you got together with her in the first place. Is it all about living in a fancy house and having the newest and coolest car?
Is that what it is about for you? Yours and her salaries? Or is there something more? What about the kids? Do they care how much you make? Really? Do they realy have to have expensive brand name clothes? Good luck.

Answer 2

If you are commission-only then firstly if the monies are tight you need to seriously re-evaluate your own employment. Maybe a job with a regular guaranteed income would be better.

If you are asking whether you should stay or leave your marriage then I would suspect you do not have a marriage. The choice of course is ultimately yours, but before you make it - spare a thought for the trauma you would put your children through.

Try sitting down and having a rational discussion with your wife without arguing or sniping at each other, and make sure you both actually listen rather than just hear.

Answer 3

You got married for better or worse. In good times and bad. You sound like your problem is all about money, but if you leave your wife stuck with 3 kids you will be paying child support and depending on what state you're in have to keep medical insurance, on 2 of those kids & then you will be broke!
However, if you want out so bad you might as well just leave because if you truly loved your wife it wouldn't matter if you both worked at McDonalds & could only afford to eat bologna sandwiches.

Answer 4

yes she is on the right track, she is staying in school because after she is done she will be doing more for herself and her family then she would have if she took the $60 job. You are puttign pressure on her the kids are driving her crazy school isn't over fast enough and she feels the kids and you are blaming her for this, she knows she is responsible and she is trying to do the right thing...and really she is, she is making a brighter future. and you are the only one she has to take her aggressions out on. Give her some time to relax let her know you are there for her and you are not giving up, just let her hear those things and if she still loves you she will change hopefully she wont give up school but she might try a little harder to bring in more money. get on her side for a little while and see what happens. what can it hurt.

Answer 5

Stay or leave you still are going to have the same bills and less money as you will have to pay child support,rent etc. Do what you feel is right. I would try one more time talking it out. Maybe you need to look at job that has a salary. Or a part time job to help with the bills.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

Of course kids are put ahead of you! they are KIDS and NEED adult attention...you simply WANT it & by the sounds of it you are all about the money & it's hard to fall all over a man who is constantly whining about money.
Why don't you get a different job? If you can't make it on your commissions that is YOUR issue. Why try to make it hers? You think money is tight now? If you divorce & are ordered to pay child support - which will be based on your ABILITY to earn (which will probably be your highest commissions) how broke do you think you'll be then?
Try to stop being jealous of the kids, stop insulting your wife & look at YOUR part in this as that is ALL you have any real control over (yourself).
Good luck!

Answer 7

Physically I leave. Until I calm down. I know myself well enough to know how I always feel less upset about something if I remove myself to "cool off". But I stay in the relationship. It usually takes a lot for me to walk away from someone, romantic relationships and friendships alike.

Answer 8

Your wife seems a little selfish. She should pitch in and help more when times are tough. If you can't put up with it, then you should leave. You have to think about the kids too.

Answer 9

Stick to it, do your job. But put your kids, {3} first. as she should. If unhappy, than move ahead, but kids come first. as with her.
times always get tough, thing is struggling people look for an out before looking to mend, seems as if your looking to mend, SHE should too. Council would be good.

Answer 10

Think how tight it will be when the judge forces you to pay half of everything you own to her for the next 18 years and you have to set up a new apartment for yourself.