my wife says she loves me, but is not in love with me, she says the love should just be there?

Question

we have been married for over 22 years, she is taking medication for depression, kids are grown and out of the house. she does not think she should have to work at the love that it should just be there. she will not go to marrage councling, or read any self help books, we have deiced to live together, but she will do nothing to improve the marrage. she still wants kisses, greetings and goodbyes and good night, but just 3 short pecks, nothing intament. I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix the marrage, but she does not want to do anything, and can not give me a reason why, what do I do

Answer 1

She may just be going through a phase don't get to upset.

Answer 2

If she is receiving medication for depression that usually takes a prescription from either a Family MD or a Psychiatrist. If she is seeing either one then maybe you can go with her and talk to them about the situation. It could be her medication too. Sounds odd I know but some anti-depressants can actually lower the libido. Not only that she may be thinking one thing but actually saying another. Anti-depressants depending on which ones can really have alot of side effects that can affect not only the mind but the body. Example, they can cause you to gain weight, be sleepy, lethargic, the list goes on. She might also be going through the empty nest syndrome with the kids being gone. You say your willing to do whatever it takes to fix your marriage. Well a suggestion might be to help her find out what makes her happy. It can be something as simple as the both of you having a picnic together, or going to a cafe for dinner together, or getting away for awhile together. Common theme here is being together. Romance her the way you did before you were married. Doing things that mean something to the both of you. Like what brought you together when you first met. Or even leaving love notes to her with a rose. There can be alot of reasons why she feels this way. But you can only do so much. And as for the love just being there, I don't buy that. A marriage especially one that lasts, takes work on both sides. It doesn't come easily. There are alot of different things that can be going on and the best answer I can give you is that if she won't seek counseling, then you go. There is nothing wrong with that. And after you have tried everything, and it's still the same then get out before it the love turns to hate. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like she has gotten too comfortable in the relationship. Everything is ho hum and she knows nothing is going to change. She may be wanting to split, but not wanting to come right out and say it, so she is going to do this to try to drive you away? It's great that you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage, but you can't be the only one wanting to. It takes both parties involved or nothing will get better. She may have been feeling this way for a long time and never said or did anything about it because of the kids. If she is not willing to work at it, then why should you try? Like I said it takes more than one person to make it work. Best of Luck!

Answer 4

a person suffering from depression is not thinking clearly. she has thoughts/feelings that she normally otherwise wouldnt. she either needs to give the medication some time, or try a different one. youve been with your wife for over 22 yrs, so you should know if she is acting like her normal self. a person suffering from depression most likely has a low libido and is not interested in intimacy or sex. if the depression/medication is fairly recent, then i would give it more time. maybe you can read up on depression to better understand what your wife is going through. she should also be seeing a therapist for her depression. if and when you feel your wife is back to her normal self, you should bring up your feelings and needs. it sounds as if she is content with the marriage and you are not. you deserve to be happy too. if she is not willing to meet you halfway and make an effort, then i dont know what else you can do. but i bet that she loves you and needs you and if she felt that there was a chance that you would leave, shed choose to save her marriage instead.

Answer 5

I totally went through this with my husband and it was depression and sometimes the medication doesn't work. You need to talk to her before it goes too far. I ended up thinking that my marraige was over and that I hated my husband and I cheated on him. I will regret that for the rest of my life but if someone had stopped me and said hold on a sec you have no interest in anything right now what makes you think it is your husband that is the problem maybe things would have turned out better. We ended up in councilling and it was the best thing ever as it helped us learn to communicate. The reason she doesn' want to do anything is cuz she is depressed and the medication isn't helping. Get her to try a different medication.

Answer 6

She say that because she don't see any passion from you. She needs to be acknowledge of how beautiful she is the first time you met her. She need to hear from you that she is the most beautifu wife you ever had and you are not wrong of marryng her. Give her self-esteem and make her feel beautiful again.Help her in the house, cook for her. She must be keeping her feelings for 20 years and you don't even know it. Your the man in the house take the initiative to make her feel beautiful and serve her this time. Tell her you want to grow old with her together no matter what she say that she is not in love. Take a stand and rekindle that passion again you once had and you will. Your the man of the house

Answer 7

it sounds like you are going through a rough time. It is great that you want to work at the relationship. That is the right thing to do. maybe your wife is just going through a phase. It is not unusual for women to do that. Also, the depression and/or depression medication might be influencing her actions towards you. It seems like she still wants your affection, but she may be feeling 'frozen' in a sense, because of the depression and medication. The meds tend to make some people feel numb, and depression can make people just not want to work towards things anymore. In fact, a symptom of depression is the inability to enjoy things you once did...another symptom is not wanting to work towards positive results, which i know can be frustrating. Just hold on for your wife and encourage her to keep up with her meds and counseling. (she should be in counseling if she is on meds!) She really needs you right now.

Answer 8

You have two options either stay in a loveless marriage or get a divorce! Depression is no reason for a woman to not want to be intimate with her husband! Have you cheated on her? If so then that may be the problem. Maybe if you went to counseling alone later on she would go with you. It is worth a try. Being in a marriage without the love is quiet stressful and not hardly worth the trouble. I know I have tried it!

Answer 9

I don't know how long this has been going on but if you give her some time maybe she'll come around.Maybe you could try doing some things that you did when you first got together. Play some music from your past that she likes.Music has a way with the memorey.Maybe she'll realize she is still in love with you. Sounds like you really love her I hope this work out for you.

Answer 10

Why Fix it when she does not want to? If you could go back in time to on of your happiest moments together where would you go? Think of the good times and talk fondly about them. Let he feel that no matter how she feels, it has not changed your love all these years. It might never to back to the way it used to be. at some time in you feelings you will realize that you cannot fix her, and you can only work on you.

Answer 11

it sounds like it might have something to do with the depression. i would stick in for a while because it might take her a while to level out or she might need to switch medicine. sometimes love changes. you can fall in & out of love with someone in the long scheme of things. you do have to work on things though. love happens on its own, but relationships grow strong through lots of hard work. you didn't get this far without working. perhaps she is so far over her head in depression that she can't manage any more. in a marriage, removing intimacy voluntarily is not good. it can only harm things. if it is something beyond your control that prevents intimacy from happening, that is different.

just keep doing your best for a while & see what happens. sorry.