WANDERING IN A MAZE
Loneliness is his only companion
No rain of love in his sky
Assuming it will, it will someday
Strives he to keep his sanity
Struggling to keep his mind pure
In spite of all his efforts
He fails again and again,
His mind is tainted with jealousy
When he sees others falling in love
Composed by Rishikaysh
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2006-10-28 19:09:26 · 8 answers · asked by ricci 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Wow, that's really good. You might want to rephrase "No rain of love in his sky" I'm a little confused by that but none-the-less it's really good.
2006-10-28 19:13:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's a decent enough poem. You've utilized your vocabulary well enough to get your point across artistically, without mucking it up too much with over complicated word usage. That's always a plus. =) The line "strives he to keep his sanity" doesn't quite fit due to your wording, the style of the phrase doesn't have the same feel as the style of the rest of the poem, so it sets the reader off a bit. Also...there isn't much form to the poem in general. All of that being said; it's far better than average and I hope you're an avid writer as it's a wonderful way to vent. =)
2006-10-28 20:03:18 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I can absolutely relate with your poem right now in my life as well. I think it's beautiful and sad. I hope one day we can both write happier poetry. Just keep in mind, there are others in the world with tougher situations to endure. I know it can be hard to remember that when you're lonely, but it's true and sometimes to remember that there are millions of people all over the world who would trade places with you in a second, it can keep you going for at least another few minutes. Hang in there. The rollercoaster of life will start going up again soon. I promise! :-)
2006-10-28 19:15:30 · answer #3 · answered by Scarlett 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A rather tormented soul, sad poem, but the imagery and the way it is expressed is very good.
2006-10-28 21:39:11 · answer #4 · answered by Analyst 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
lacks emotion. poor composition. no essence. no timing, pacing. poor descriptive symbols...
."..no rain of love in his sky..."???
Overall grade D-
2006-10-28 21:36:54 · answer #5 · answered by Pie's_Guy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a good poem but dude, really, you need to let her go...
2006-10-28 19:17:33 · answer #6 · answered by sirus3810 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
nice
2006-10-28 21:45:04 · answer #7 · answered by vanillaspice 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i like it, keep it up!
2006-10-28 21:31:39 · answer #8 · answered by mrold_soul 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋