how do i get my confidence back after a divorce?

Question

i used to work in a corporate think tank. i divorced 2 yrs ago after a 25 yr marriage. my ex was so controlling and verbally viscious that it was a relief. now i can't seem to get over the feeling of powerlessness... i can't imagine even finding a job, excelling in anything anymore. is this normal?

Answer 1

10 years ago I was in your position. I had no self esteem, just like you. I felt worthless, ugly, fat, horrible....everything negative in this world I felt. I think when you are mistreated for so many years by someone who supposedly loves you, your self esteem is the first thing that is attacked and you usually dont know its happening. I dont know if there is an easy answer. It took me 5 years to find my self esteem and even now it is still not back to normal. I dont know whether it ever will be. But I am 100% more confident in myself than I was 10 years ago. You need to be around positive people who are always prepared to say good things about you. You need to be complimented on the way you do things....told you are attractive and capable. But more than being told these things you have to start believing in yourself. The only way you will get your self esteem back is to actually go out there and do it. Apply for jobs, go for interviews. Buy some new clothes, make-up...pamper yourself. If you need to lose a few pounds then now is the time do do it. Start to look after yourself....start to do things that make you happy. You do have the power, it has just been laying dormant and considering the abusive relationship you were in for so long I can certainly understand how you could be feeling this way.

You are the master of your own destiny, believe you. You can do anything you set your mind to, believe it. You are the only one who can change yourself. Start small, tell yourself every morning what a nice person you are. Look in the mirror and pick out something that is attractive about yourself.....Maybe your eyes....tell yourself you have nice eyes, or a good body, or lovely hair, a beautiful smile. Fill your thoughts with positive ones even on the days you dont feel like it. Positive, Positive, Positive....everything must be positive for you to move on and to start believing in yourself. Everyone has personal power, you just havent found yours yet...it has been lost for a long time. Just go out and start doing, procrastination and negative thoughts will only bring you down. Say to yourself, today is the day that things are going to change and start making changes. You can do it and it is only in the doing will you know that you are more than capable of finding a job and you will excel...with confidence you can do whatever it is you want. If you cant do it by yourself then join a self esteem group....find friends with the same interests...find out what courses are running at your local college....There is so much you could do and like I said its only in the doing will you know that you are capable.

Good luck, well no, you wont need luck....all you are going to need is determination and guts to tackle the things that are making you afraid. I wish you well.

Answer 2

Yes it is normal to feel bad some days and have to really try to put your best foot forward, but if you have a really strong overwhelming feelings of lack of self, strength, ability, wiliness and the need to go out into the world to begin again, it might be depression and you should go talk to your doctor first, then maybe something more severe if he or she was not able to help you. This will pass, but you have to get up and make the effort, no matter how hard it is. God bless you and good luck. Try and gather your family and friends around for support and encouragement.

Answer 3

Very normal. That's why there are counselors. If you spend 25 years being trained in powerlessness, isn't it reasonable to spend some time getting empowered? While you are at it, find something you are sort of good at and develop that interest until you are really good at it. There is nothing quite like mastering something to change how you feel about yourself.

Answer 4

After all you have been through- not only is it normal it would be really weird if walked away unscathed... I have never been divorced- but I lived through my mother's nasty battle with it.
You need to find yourself again. When you do you will fine renewed confidence and I bet there are tons of things you didnt know you liked because you have never been able to chose to do them on your own. Get out! Take some chances and you will find yourself, and you will learn to love the new you! She is worth knowing!

Answer 5

of course its normal. Its hard to move on to new things. Sometimes people stay in bad relationships because they are comfortable. I have been married and divorced twice. Both times I got married I was sure she was "the one"... people change.

What helped (or helps) me is a positive attitude on life in general. I KNOW that eventually.. I will find someone who is the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Until then.. I must continue to live.. continue to put one foot in front of the other and greet each new day with a smile.

its not easy.. its not fair.. but until you are happy with YOU first you will never be happy no matter WHO you meet. So get out there and LIVE. learn to love YOURSELF. One day you will meet a person who loves YOU for YOU.

The easiest way to move on is to simply take each new day and move on for that day. Soon.. weeks... months.. years will pass and you will be a new person. with or without someone else.

Answer 6

Normally, it takes one year. No that's not normal. If you are having job issues and don't want to excel, then you are definitely depressed. I would talk with a professional therapist- a minister or a psychiatrist or both. You may have issues that need a more focused, professional approach to solve. Take care!!!

Answer 7

i think its normal es with your circumstances. u just have ot take one step at a time. start doing little things like looking up events on weekends where u live. go browse around art festivals, go to the library. start small. find intrests again and make small contributions. you will get our confidence back. go to counseling also. there is a website. coping.org i believe that has lots of excersises. dont hold on too long to it. u can make your life better. just set your standards hgh and take responsibility for anyhting bad you did too. good luck!

Answer 8

after the end of my abusive controlling marriage, i also felt this way, felt i could do nothing right anymore. sometimes one has to take little steps, than some more. but we have to put forth the effort. seek therapy,get in a good church, where you have a support system you need to be good to yourself,you have a responsibility to yourself. you are still angry at this man.you have to somehow rebuild the injured parts of your soul. rely on god to heal you, no one else can help you get through this but him.be happy you are free of this monster, he deeply wounded you, but there is life after divorce, it is not the initial hurt that keeps you down but your response to it.

Answer 9

Divorce and the abuse preceding it can certainly create these feelings.
You may want to check with a counselor to make sure you have not stuck on one stage of grief.
You may want to check with a physician to make sure you don't have temporary depression.
You may want to volunteer to begin your ascent up the ladder - if that is what you want. Try a homeless center/abused etc where your superb assets can be well used.

Answer 10

Find a support group to start dealing with the issues you have- the feedback will set you up for success. Remember success is never instantaneous