I just found out my son is gay?

Question

I found out about him and asked him, with proof, what the deal was. He asked me not to tell his mother, that he will on his own terms and time. What should I do? respect his request and keep a secret from my wife? He's 23 and almost done with college and hasn't lived at home for several years.

Answer 1

First of all, you need to realize that you found out about him before he was prepared to tell you. Due to how society views gay people, he is scared of his mothers reaction. Since you found out about him and he did not tell you, he was most likely scared of your reaction also, so you need to be supportive of him and tell him that you are not judging him and love him as much now as you did before. As far as your wife is concerned, marriage is based on honesty and if you do not tell her you are not being completely honest.
It is very important that you tell your son that you love him unconditionally and that what you want most for him is the happiness of sharing his life with someone that he loves, and that when you share your life with someone that you love you cannot keep secrets. Tell him he can tell other family members when he chooses to do so, but that you cannot keep his secret from your wife because you love his mother as much as you love him, tell him that he is the one who needs to tell her and offer to be there for him and support him when he tells her.

Answer 2

Leave this one alone. You will ultimately cause more harm than good. I know.

two weeks ago was "national coming out day" A top ten university that I attend had a program for transgender, gay and heterosexuals. Person in charge of program is head of diversity, head of women's studies curriculum, has her office right beside head of student affairs, well loved by all faculty and students. She teaches my women's studies class. She told her story (she is gay). A local paper was there, reported it and all hell broke out. Peoplefaculty/students/family all knew she was gay; not a problem until the reporter said that this teacher "seduces girls"

Repercussions: called on carpet to the dean, lost many friends, labled, lost parental rights to her brother's children, emotionally I can't begin to tell of ramifications, humiliation I could go on.
This reporter without (any Permission) took pictures, stories, told lies etc about the whole gay community at this school. This should have never happened.
Some gay and transgender students parent's are paying for their education. If parents found out, the student's would be cut off from their family, financial aid, any emotional support etc. Like I said, leave it alone. When the time is right, he will tell whoever. Don't destroy another life. I am not gay, but I am outraged at what happened at a prestigious top ten university who promotes diversity, makes us take at least four classes on it and they almost took this teacher's tenure.

Answer 3

Parents and relatives of GLBT folks are often upset when they find out their children are GBLT. They they become pissed when they learn that they are not the first to be told. Why do GLBT folks not tell those closest to them first? Because they have so much more to lose. I've know GLBT folks who's families were closer than anything have their families toss them out when they learned they were GLBT.

It becomes even more difficult when a parent must keep the secret with his/her son/daughter from his/her spouse.

Each GLBT person must tell his/her story in his/her way in her/her own time. Be supportive, offer your support and love and offer to be there for them when they tell others. Offer to be there when he tells his mother and offer your support. But be sure that you love and support your son. He is still the same boy you've always loved.

There's lots of good information available from groups such as Pflag (http://www.pflag.org/) and several good books available to help guide you along your path.

Answer 4

you know you have to keep you sons request and not tell your wife
but you also love your wife and i bet you can not keep lien to her
normally mothers can tell from an early age about their sons but that is a stereotype gay
you should say to your son that you will help him though 'the telling mum stage' as your son is your son if your wife dose not support him you should
your son has come along way by telling you about himself
weather you support him or think he is nuts but being able to tell your own father your gay makes him a big man

your son is an adult and if he chooses to keep this from his mother for what ever reason let him
if you wife asks you in the mean time tell her like she should have already know
than tell you son as fast as you can to worn him if she is going to start any thing with him
better then him finding out that you misplaced his trust
good luck

Answer 5

Family issue that may require some counseling for your son. Now he is grown but it will help to talk with him about it if you are in disagreement. Respect his wishes and hold off telling your wife. He lives outside your home and can do as he please so he thinks. His college career is okay but his lifestyle is not. Tell him how you feel and perhaps you may win his heart.

Answer 6

Part of me says respect his request, The other part of me says you should "pre~pair" her for when he does tell her. Is she close to him? I mean like, he came out and told you. He must have alot of respect and trust towards you. Sometimes if the other parent is kinda tough to get along with, I can see why he would be hesitant.
He's an adult and will tell her in his own time. But if you feel comfortable enough maybe you can pre pair her for the initial shock. Good luck.

Answer 7

Be patient with him and loving. Telling your parents isn't easy. Please let him tell his mother himself. It will make him stronger. It will make your relationship stronger if you respect his wishes. If you need someone to support you through this, look for an organization in your area called PFlag. It's a group that helps gay parents.
Keep your family strong and pat yourself on the back because your son trusted you enough to tell you!!

Answer 8

Respect him and do as he asked of you just tell him he needs to do it soon that you dont feel comfortable keeping secrets from his mother just dont tell her, that could only make the problem worse

Answer 9

I too agree with what eilishaa said. Also think about yourself attending some meetings of PFLAG and getting the nitty gritty on this issue from those who have actually been through this. Most importantly support your son and let him know he will always be loved.

Answer 10

tell your wife because u dont want ur family 2 b full of secrets.... u should b able 2 love and support your son no matter what