I recently found out that my husband of 9 years, has a 2 year old daughter! We have two daughters ages 8 and 5, they have a half sister now. Whats worse is the childs mother has been married for 12 years and has 4 other daughters, her husband just found out that the child is not his and does not want my husband involved at all. I cant look at him the same and i don't think i can forgive him. also I don't want to play step mommy. Its all so complicated, should I leave?
2006-10-28 14:52:38 · 38 answers · asked by kker 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Good gawd, why in the world would you want to put up with him!?! Just wait until his girlfriend's husband gets tired of looking at her skanky cheat a$$ and kicks her out. Your husband will start feelng sorry for her and you'll have to deal with him cheating again. Get out. Let him deal with visitations with an 8, 5 and 2 year old alone. That's more punishment that most men can possibly stand, and it'll chase away any woman he tries to date.
2006-10-28 15:02:54 · answer #1 · answered by ***&&*** 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough question, but unfortunately, this isn't the first time a child has occured in the course of an affair, and it won't be the last.
The important thing is, the child did not ask to be born, and should not have to bear the brunt of foolish adults' judgments.
This child's mother and her husband, if he is willing, should be the couple parenting the child.
If the husband leaves, you and your husband could then decide if you both (or he alone) wants to play a role in this child's life. I would stongly urge you make this decision with the help of clergy or a professional counselor.
Don't leave at the moment. Assess the situation. Go to marriagebuilders.com and see what advice you can glean there.
Forgiveness takes time. Forgetting may never happen. But just because it's complicated is no reason to leave.
Hang in there, get counseling (alone and together), and don't make any rash decisions. Give it at least six months to a year, and for heaven's sake, don't mar your own children's memories of the holidays or birthdays with that being "when Mommy kicked Daddy out of the house". They understand much more than adults give them credit for, trust me!
2006-10-28 15:14:06 · answer #2 · answered by Johnna L 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I read all these responses that say stay with him... blah blah blah. I don't know where they are coming from - however I do know where I have been. My husband cheated on my while I was fighting the "war" in Iraq. I tried to do the right thing and go to counseling, work through it, forgive him, etc. That was over a year ago. He is fine. I am not. Sometimes I wish I would have just left. At this point, I am not healing emotionally. Understand that if you do stay it will take years - not months to fix what has been done. I can tell you from personal experience, if I do stay with him I will never look at him the same way again. I guess that is something you will have to accept if you want to make it work.
- Just as an add in - I was a child of divorce. My parents were married for 20 years - unhappily. After they got divorced ( I was age 15) they were happier and both lived better lives. Don't "stay together for the kids" if the life that you will provide them by staying together is unhappy and full of tension.
2006-10-28 15:09:43 · answer #3 · answered by AVD 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, it sounds like your husband of nine years had to have cheated on you in order to have a 2 year old daughter with his ex since the child is only 2. You have to look at the marriage and understand why he never told you and on the other hand how much he may love you. I do NOT suggest throwing it away but you 2 must communicate about this if you expect to survive the bad things. I assume he still wants to be with you, but you both will need to discuss the effect that this will have on your relationship and not to mention your kids. I only know that once you give up there is NO going back. Do NOT leave yet, but try to make this work. Leaving is the easy way out and most women don't think rationale when bad things come crashing in on their marriages. Take some time to be with your husband and try to work this out, there are way too many divorces now and days for things that can be worked out and way too many children without their parent's.
2006-10-28 15:03:54 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well.....because of a sordid affair 5 live are effected. You, your husband, his lover and her husband, and the poor child.
Regardless of who initiated the affair both are at fault. Your husband shows very poor judgment and this, above all, should be your consideration. We all can be tempted by someone who may be open to an affair but what we do about it reflects the kind of person we are.
The loss of confidence you have in your husband will be forever. He has no way to make that better. You know of this affair because of the daughter. How many others may there have been that he didn't get caught in.
You have to decide just for yourself if you can continue with him. This may be forever complicated because of the child. If you choose to not leave you have to know this is going to continue to be a problem. He after all has a responsibility to this child....especially if the husband leaves her.
There is no easy answer here. It all comes down to what you can except. If this will always be a problem for you.....you cant except this other child......you had better get out now. Your husband will have financial responsibilities for your children so should help you start over.
Only you have the answer here.
i wish you well.
2006-10-28 15:17:31 · answer #5 · answered by John B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Has there been a paternity test done yet? If not, don't take this womans word for fact. If she was cheating on her husband with your husband, who knows how many other men she was with.
My grandma and grandpa were married for 40 years when a 20 year old young man knocked at my their door and told my grandma that he was my grandpa's son. She handled it all with so much class and dignity that she should have received an award. She told him that she was happy to meet him even if the circumstances were so unpleasant. She welcomed him in her home and drank coffee with him until my grandpa got home. She didn't raise a scene while the young man was there. She did though when he left. She didn't leave my grandpa over it either.
It's up to you whether or not this ruins your marriage. If your husband is willing to put his all into fixing this situation then I think you should try and work on your marriage. Maybe you should get some away time though. Or at least move out of your marital bedroom. You do have children together so you should at least try. I'm sorry that this happened to you. But in this instance you need to ask yourself what your marriage is worth to you. Good luck in your decision making.
2006-10-28 15:00:50 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, do not leave, you will get through this. Its supposed to be in sickness and in health for better or worse. This is the worse part. He is human and made a very enormous mistake. I think your husband should not try to be involved with the child. It technically is not his. He stole the other man's wife. To make things better for everyone, including the child.... let her go. Nobody needs the constant reminder of the deeds. Her life will also be less complicated. She can find out when she'd old enough to deal with it. I hope your husband realizes this. I am sending hugs as I know this must be so hard and heartbreaking.
2006-10-28 15:03:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the husband don't want him to be involve at all then fine, leave it that way or else its trouble. Leave it alone. Your husband should repent on what he did, apologize is not even enough. Take your kids with you and move on. It won't be the same once you're hurt like this. Its a problem. I think counseling is just a waste of time and money. Your husband know what he did and kept it for years. Relationship is build on trust. If you think you can't trust him again then move on separate lives. If you want child support then divorce him.
2006-10-28 17:11:09 · answer #8 · answered by Cindy R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, this is VERY complicated. It's hard to say what you should do. Only you know how the past 12 years have been. I would also look at how this whole thing got out of the bag so to speak. Did you find out from the other woman? Would your husband have told you if he didn't have to because you found out from someone else? I'm sorry you are going through this. I would not want to be in your shoes. This will be a hard thing to recover from. ((HUGS))
2006-10-28 18:47:08 · answer #9 · answered by A Curious Mind Wants To Know 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Normally I tell someone to get out and not look back, but in your case I wonder if you should stay.
He is the father of your children, too. How will they handle it if you divorce him? Can you financially make it on your own? Of course, you must also wonder how to tell the girls they have a new half-sister.
He is a cheat and a liar. How many other times has he cheated that you don't know about? Is he going to be required to pay child support? Will he have visitation? There are a lot of things to consider in this mess.
I hope you will talk this over with someone close to you. You need guidance through all of it. Good luck.
2006-10-28 15:01:07 · answer #10 · answered by physandchemteach 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋