My ex says I'm very hostile although I feel I'm just still finding the situation painful and hard to even look him in the eye. But we both feel that the children's stomach aches may be a result of their sensitivities to the tensions between us.
2006-10-28 09:24:24 · 16 answers · asked by green_womble 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Think of your children not yourself.
2006-10-28 15:00:26 · answer #1 · answered by fajita 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are no strategies just be polite. Remember that you are not married nor living with him. It is painful and hard. In time everyone will get used to the situation. Don't hide too much from your children. Be real. find a good friend to talk to to help you get over how you feel. Write a journal to put all your feelings down. Take all the good points and point these out to your children. But be realistic with the things you don't like. Keep these to yourself. When they're old enough you will be able to be more open with them. Try not to burden children who are too young. It took until my daughter was in her late teens to understand how I must have been feeling.
Be good to yourself. Take your time. There is a future it will unravel in time.
2006-11-01 07:42:10 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your both right. In his eyes (that is why is a ex) your hostile. I mean if he said, "I know you're feeling hurt and it is hard to even look at me", chances are you would not be divorced.
Don't buy that though. You are most likely hurting and in lots of pain. Divorce has a way of draggin us down that road. You ever been driving down the road and steering straight ahead, and then for one minute you look away and your over in the shoulder on the gravel? You don't want to overcorrect or you'll lost control, and you don't want to drive into the brick wall staring you down. This is where you are in this point of your life. Your on the shoulder and need to get back on the road, but easily and steadily. Take your time and don't jerk the wheel. Ease back onto the road and when you do you'll find when you look into the back seat your kids are safely buckled and watching a DVD. Take care of yourself and in return they'll be okay too.
The kids stomach aches are most likely from the stress. Look in the mirror at what it does to you. Imagine it double for them, they love you both. Take the higher road, be the bigger person. Get busy gettin on with your life and find some form of happiness for yourself again. Try something new. Hell, try lots of new somethings. You have the right. Don't look at this as an end. Look at it as a fresh new beginning for all of you. Dr.Phil said, "You want to be right or you want to be happy."
Would you lay your children down and run them over, over and ove again, no matter how much they screamed? No, obviously not. But that is what your doing to them when you CHOOSE to be hostile, or in pain and not fix it.
I wish you and your children the very, very best. Nothing is easy, but that don't mean we can't move it, climb it, jump over it, or chop it down, or go around it. Keep your hands on the wheel and slowly steer out of this. You be back on the road in no time.
Hint: Have a mediator ( friend, family member, etc) to exchange the kids until the pain lessens and you are on better ground for your children. If there is a school event, you pick one and let him go to one. Better for the kids then they don't have to feel divided with loyalty and can focus on being, a kid.
2006-10-28 10:13:18 · answer #3 · answered by cowgirlup64 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He must of really hurt you.
What I would suggest you do is talk to your ex, explain to him exactly how you feel about him and the whole situation, until you get all this off your chest it will be hard for you to "put on a front" for the kids.
Don't let your ex be an unsympathetic bastard, he is trying to brush your feelings under the carpet so that he doesn't have to deal with them, well I'm sorry but if this situation is affecting the kids he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
2006-10-28 09:45:27 · answer #4 · answered by debs1701 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
just do as you say BE POLITE, explain to him you find it hard, and if it is initially difficult make it easy on the kids by getting your mum/dad, hids mum/dad to join in and help with access, its not easy for any of you, you really need some support from family, make sure someones there at meeting times as an ice breaker, and could you not go out for a meal or coffee with him and explain, he may be in just the same position and you may end up understanding each other a bit, if you still love him hostility is going to get u nowhere, and if you despise him why bother, either way it doesnt cut any ice and will just give you sleepless nights, just be civil, cant be teaching the children any form of hatred, hostility its not fair, you want at the end of the day for them to love you both the same, coz they will make their own minds up at the end of the day. I went to live with my dad when I was ten because i felt sorry for him coz mum was horrible! consequence being she's never spoken to me since! be careful and very very careful.
2006-10-28 09:37:27 · answer #5 · answered by manx girl Isle of Man. 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Away from your ex - try yoga and or meditation. Imagine how you want your next meeting with your ex to go. Imagine being able to smile and not necessarily maintain eye contact for long, but long enough to be civil. Breathe deeply before you meet him and remind yourself of what you imagined. Try and put up a mental barrier so that you are watching yourself in a play, rather than really being there.
At least you are trying to put the children first and have seen what they need. Keep trying. Good luck.
2006-10-28 09:28:52 · answer #6 · answered by Older&Wiser 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Accept that if he's your ex, that means there's no return to the olden days so hatred and hostility really don't have a place in your relationship with him. Learn to see him as a member of the family rather than a lover/husband. Have you heard that hating a person is just punishing ourselves? Letting go is probably the answer to your question.
2006-10-28 09:38:47 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hello,
What I'd like to suggest to you is getting the book "Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. Very good book. It helped me alot with my hostile feelings towards people, helped with bitterness and forgiveness etc...You should try going to a Christian church. The Lord can do so much for you and your children. Open your heart to accept Jesus. The children can benefit Big time to interact w/ other kids and be in youth Bible classes etc...
Trust me, I know...I'm living testimony. I wouldn't change it for anything.
I have so much joy, love, and peace...something the world cannot offer you except Jesus!
I pray the Lord directs you to do the right thing.
2006-10-28 09:40:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know its very hard but for the sake of the children just be polite when he's about and dont ever say any thing bad about him in front of them.I went through this when my children were younger,but now their 30,28 & 20 they know what he put us through and form their own opions,they still see him,cause when all is said and done he's still their father,and when I see him I can hold my head up and be polite and say Hi,I have my pride and my dignaty..
2006-10-28 12:50:30 · answer #9 · answered by beckham 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would feel the same,some things are easier said than done,you just have to crit your teeth & smile sweetly.try not to spend much time with him,I take it he lives elsewhere,if so just hand over the kids at the door,if your kids are old enough to understand explain to them your finding it hard & you want to keep your distance until you feel better & you will feel better you just need time.
2006-10-28 09:38:08 · answer #10 · answered by Chocoholic 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes children often have stomach troubles through anxiety and therefore get attention, it is so hard to have a decent break up when you are hurt but keep going and you obviosly a good person
2006-10-28 09:29:26 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋