Teenage daughter and their VERY unruly boyfriend!!?

Question

My daughter is 15yrs and is a follower of my house rules which are probably quite strict, but not without reason. Meaning that they are consistant and do not bend. However, she has had a boyfriend for about 6 months of who I disaprove of as he is a BAD BOY (15) who has and is often in trouble with the law. I cannot split them as I have tried and I can only punish her if she does wrong. I have waited for them to split naturally which has not happened and they claim to be in love.
My problem is that he has difficulty following my house rules and he will not do as I ask when asked to go away or not harrass her when she is upset with him. In my opinion he treats her with intimidating tactics and threats of finishing. He is someone that you can talk to once you have got past his initial anger but it is the anger and pure defiance that I cannot deal with. Has anyone any ideas as i am at the end of my tether and I cannot take him getting in my hubbies face cos he knows he cannot touch him.

Answer 1

I would talk to your daughter about the fact that you expect her friends (which she invites) to follow the house rules in the same way you expect her to. I would explain that if he cannot follow the house rules then she is not allowed to invite him over. I would not mention the fact that you know he has been in trouble and that you don't like how he speaks to her. She needs to make her own mistakes and decisions. As she follows your rules I suspect she is a very sensible girl and will realise soon enough that he is not for her.

Sometimes I think parents are so protective they want to tell their children how to make these decisions - naturally! But take it from me - my mum decided not to let my boyfriend come near the door since she didn't like him and it made me more determined to stay with him - and I did for a year! I know it wouldn't have lasted more than about 2 months if my mum wasn't enforcing her opinions on my all the time. I am school teacher now and 25. At the time I was 16 and like your daughter followed all the rules and had no other problems. Good luck!

Answer 2

Tough situation - most of the reason why the relationship is so enticing is because it's forbidden.

Use reverse psychology. Be honest. Tell her that you AREN'T going stop her and that she's becoming old enough to make her own decisions. Tell her that you think the boy is not the best for her, but that it's up to her to learn and decide. Then along with her normal teenager rules give her a different set of rules with increased seriousness.

Rule One: You are not allowed to do anything that will get you arrested. It's too tough in this world enough without a record.

Rule Two: You are not allowed to do anything that will get you hurt for maimed.

Rule Three: You are not allowed to do anything that will get you killed.

Rule Four (optional but weirdly effective): You are absolutely allowed to use any and multiple forms of birth control.

Tell her that she is the most important person in the universe and survival intact is a must. Place the responsibility for her survival right on her shoulders. From experience, it adds a different maturity to decision making.

I know this may sound strange to do, but it works. When deciding what to do, she'll think of her rules (these can't be rebelled against in the same fashion). You seem like good caring educated people. You know you did a good job raising her, and she knows right from wrong. It's this rebellion (probably more for rebellion sake) that you can't stand - how could she take his side instead of yours. It's a part of growing up so give her the freedom to think instead of just react. From these rules, she'll understand the seriousness and consequences of her actions, and she is responsible for herself.

Another thing is to deemphasize the situation. Again, keep her normal teenage curfew etc, rules - turn this situation into something more mundane instead of the juicy teenage tragedy that can get way out of control. Remember that all these feelings in her are so new and so strong and so sweet - feeding the cliche role of evil parents just make it more intense like feeding a fire. Again instead of hate use the real opposite of love which is detachment. Remember that the boy is irrelevant to a degree - it's the way her makes her feel that is her world

Take care and good luck.

Answer 3

Most schools now days have an Student Resource Officer. Basically this is a sherriff deputy that stays at school. I would contact him to see what could be done legally. You say he is already in trouble with then law then he probably has a parole officer. You could try a restraining order ( not sure if you could do that with the age and all something you could ask your SRO) Just don't let this go unnoticed no one will come into my house and not obey my rules I would for sure call the police and never let him back if he does not follow your rules. Unbelivable how bold some people can be. Remember this is YOUR house.

Answer 4

This is a serious situation. I understand your reluctance to confront him, and your reluctance to ruin what your daughter no doubt feels is the big romance of her life. But you can't allow anyone to oppose you in your own house. That is setting a bad example for your daughter.

Have you tried to talk to his parents? The counselor at your daughter's school might have a few ideas for you. If no one at the school can help, you will have to follow the advice others have given. I'd opt for Social Services rather than police, because of his age. But don't stop. Make a plan of who you will contact first, and take their advice about what to do next. Try to hold on to your wonderful sense of logic and priorities - more people should have a mother like you.

The one thing you must not do is kick your daughter out. And the one thing you must continue to do: make sure your daughter understands that you love her very much.

Answer 5

If this has been going on for six months then your daughter would have brought it to you if there were any problems but since she hasn't then there probably aren't maybe she just likes those kind of boys, you should just wait for it to all play out and do what you seem to think is best but nothing to drastic that will upset your daughter or make the boyfriend take extreme measures to meet up with her.

Answer 6

What i think that you should do is talk to his parents. If that doesn't work the next time he comes to your house, like he's running things you put him out and dare him to say somethimg to you. You are grown and he is a child you need to let him know that. I know that you don't want to get in your daughter's love life so sit back and let it go because if you split them up yourself she'll hate you and sneak around with him. But if he puts his hands on her you tear his *** up and tell the police you was defending your daughter.

Answer 7

Hun,my suggestion is to sit down,both of them together and have a talk.You,Your husband,your daughter,and the boyfriend.In this "meeting" sort of thing,you need to speak of everything that is bothering you.I do not mean only you,or you and your husband alone,but give each person a chance to talk about things and try to get an understanding of their feelings as well.It is natural worry,and to night like your little girls boyfriend,because in reality,reguardless as what to what people say,the parents never like their childrens girlfriends or boyfriends,lol.That is just how it goes.In this meeting,state that when he is in your home or around your home and you and your husband that he is to know the rules in your home and must abide by them.You cannot say "They claim to be in love",as you do not know what they are feeling.Six months at their age,is quite a while.However,him threatening to finish it or intimidating her into do as he wishes her to do is inappropriate.Any issues you have,speak about in this meeting.Speak calmly and dont lose your temper.You must take into account her your daughters feelings.Speak to him about that "anger" and figure out where it is coming from.Maybe you will come understand him a bit more,and help him deal with his anger in a better way than to harass others or have such a "bad boy" attitude.If he is something you can talk to once you get past that anger,then there is something that is really bothering him.If you speak to your daughter and tell her not to have contact with him she will only sneak and speak to him,and it will make her want to be with him more.You must come to an understanding and speak to him before you actually make the statement that you donot like him.Good luck with that,and i do see where your coming from.However,i think you should try to see where he is coming from as well.Have a good day hun.

Answer 8

Try talking with your daughter, and telling her how men like this don't always change for the better and how she deserves better. Communication is key with your children- I will always remember this because my mom didn't talk with me. She had her harsh rules (not consistant in any way) and all it made me do was the opposite of what she wanted me to. She also adored my ex and hated my boyfriend at the time. My Dad however, did try to get me to see how bad of a boyfriend he was (always thinking of himself, giving me examples of what he did wrong to me), and that did help me. Sometimes my mom over powered my Dad, and my mom would say she was going to call the cops even if I went over to my boyfriends on christmas eve. It ended up making me stay at my boyfriends for weeks at a time a few times. She'd tell me to pack my bags and never come back... and honestly, I didn't want to go back to that. My mom and I have never had a good relationship- she was always yelling at me... I did her chores- long list of them every day, but they wouldn't always be done "right" in her eyes. I even obeyed her ridiculous curfews- be home by 2:30pm (gave me an hour-that's the drive to and from my boyfriends)... stuff like that, she just wouldn't talk to me like a normal person, and always had this control problem. Ending up in many arguments and fights, and not a good relationship with the person I'd love to be best friends with- my mom.

Please talk with your daughter. She obeys you, she loves you, let her know you care for her more than anything and that you want her to be happy. Goodluck. It's difficult!

Answer 9

what involvement with law enforcement does he have? if his crimes involve violence, do not take any of my advice if you feel it could provoke him unless you are in a public place with other people around. even then, i would get restraining orders and just tell your daughter - no. no. no. no violent people, you would be abdicating your responsiblity to her if you tolerated that.

apart from that, i do believe you should take a legal route. if someone doesn't leave my house when asked, they would have the police called on them.

i think the next time he is over, go up to him and tell him you need to talk with him and you need his input. tell him he is doing things that you may not permit because they endanger your family. tell him mature members of society accept people's boundaries and leave when asked. tell him you expect that of him and all people in your home. tell him that you've concluded, based on his unwillingness to take responsibility for his actions, that you will need to call the police if he doesn't leave when asked to.

i know there is a terrible fear that she will choose him over everything and any steps will push her towards him. however, you are there to protect her. i think if he is actually harassing her and intimidating her, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that you should move. if he kills her or any one else in your family, you won't be saying - that's not fair, we're the good guys, we shouldn't be punished.

if this kid is in your husband's face, i'm deeply concerned. if he is crying out for a family to love him, he would be on his best behavior and lapping up the attention. instead, he is demonstrating to himself and his girlfriend that her parents will allow her to be treated badly and, in fact, will allow themselves to be treated badly.
i would call a domestic guidance hotline in your area for further guidance. i'm very concerned.

Answer 10

If you try to break them up then it will make matters worse. When your daughter is mad at him and doesn't want to be bothered with him is the best time to talk to her and try to make her see who he really is. Show her how he is acting. Make her see it for herself. Like they say love is blind, and if this is her first real boyfriend then it is very blind. Just try to talk to her and him to if it would help. Sit them both down and talk. It might be hard but just try.

Good Luck!!!