How do I make my little girl happy again?

Question

My husband decided he wanted to be single again & he moved out. This has been really hard on our 5 yr old. We try to be nice to each other for her sake. But she still misses him so much. She cries for him every night. Whenever she starts crying for him, I dial his phone number so she can talk to him. Lately she has been having more temper tantrums & after they are over she always starts asking where her dad is. I just try to reassure that just because daddy lives somewhere else he still loves her. He visits her about 2-3 times a week. Katie used to be such a happy little girl, but she is changing. She's picking up insecure habits & has started sleeping with me again. I just try to let her know that Mommy will always be here, because now she's asking when am I going to go away too. I tell her that Mommy is NOT going anywhere. but she doesn't believe me. How do I get my little girl to be happy again?

I wont talk bad about her dad infront of her. I grew up with that. & yes I save my crying times for when she is asleep or when I am alone. I try to get her to spend as much time with her dad as I can. I don't question her about alone time with daddy, unfortunately there isn't. He says he doesn't feel comfortable having her come stay at his place yet. He's pretty selfish & doesn't understand why Katie is so upset. In his mind he talks to her everyday on the phone & see's her a few times a week when he comes over here or at the park, so that should be enough. I don't agree.

Answer 1

It takes time and love, but, she will be ok. Just reassuring her can help, even if you have to do it everyday, every hour, every minute. It hurts her to think her daddy left. She is having seperation anxiety about the whole situation. Just hold her tight and love on her. She will eventually calm down and be better. It may take time, but she will go back to her bed. With your help she will be able to move on. You have to remember, she is trying to get over her daddy leaving, just like you are. She is heart broken over it.

Answer 2

Your daughter needs constant reassurance that you are not going anywhere. You and her daddy, regardless of your situation, need to sit down and talk with her TOGETHER.

You need to shield her from hearing your crying moments.

You need to keep your conversations about him free from her ears when you're talking with your friends.

You need to not question her about "daddy's house" and her visit there. Do not put added stress into the situation. Make this breakup more like a "fun experience" for her. Sounds tough...but it does work. Such as "Guess what, Katie? You get to go to daddy's house tomorrow! DO you want to go to the store and we can pick up some extra treat you can bring with you to Dad's place? How about we draw a pretty picture to surprise your Dad to put up on his refridgerator? Be FRIENDS with her dad. She will draw from those emotions.

Does that make sense? I know it sounds "bizarre" but when I divorced my youngest two were 2 years and 6 years old. I made it a "fun event". We went out and picked out daddy's new furniture and how they were going to be "lucky" and have a new place to visit every other weekend. I made it sound like an adventure. To be fun. Even though I was crushed and was terrified that it would have a bad affect on my children. Fact is, that was exactly what was right. I gave them a healthy attitude. I did not allow any of my stress to be seen by them or to be funneled down to them. EVER. That is the secret.

Remember, there are children whose parents go away oversea's to IRaq in this war and those children have above fears of their parent not coming home...but that is due to the possibility of "death". Those children are not having temper tantrums, etc. and the main reason is because the at-home parent is reassuring their children of what Dad (or mom) is doing and calms their fears and helps do creative things to vent out their frustrations on missing their parent. You can do the very same with your divorce seperation between your daughter and her father.

I wish you the very best much of your focus should be on reassuring her that she IS part of daddy's life and your life just in two seperate houses...and that neither one went away from her. You only went away from each other...not from her. Make sense? Best to you and Katie.

Answer 3

I would find a therapist that is good with children. Not one that sits and talks, but interacts with them while drawing pictures and such. She is so young. She doesn't understand why daddy left, that he wants to be single again. Bless her heart. You are doing the best that you can do. But get her a little extra help so she can learn to cope with daddy leaving. No matter what, she will never forget this. HE should realize that this has turned her little world upside down. But......... he is being very selfish right now.

Answer 4

Your hubby has to talk to her and have her understand, she is still loved and he is there for her and he didn't leave her. She is scared and vulnerably now and has to be made aware of what is happening in her and your life.
Try new things and new routines to help you both. Sure she will wish daddy is here but let her now that it's just the way it is now and that you are there and to have fun. Do not bash her dad, that will just make her resent you. Be confident and strong for both your sakes. Enjoy your time with your daughter anything can change in the blink of an eye. God Bless you both.

Answer 5

Five year olds are much smarter than we give them credit for. She has figured out that she can and does get what she wants by playing the victim.
Sleeping with Mommy is going to lead to a huge problem if Mommy gets involved with someone else. DO NOT allow her to sleep with you. If you do, then when you are ready to allow someone into your life, you will have to kick your daughter out of your bed. To her that will mean rejection by you and resentment toward your new love.
Be firm, but loving. DON'T allow a 5 year old manipulate you. Either you nip this in the bud right now or you are setting yourself up for MAJOR PROBLEMS with her all of her childhood.
You are the adult-she is the child. Act accordingly.

Answer 6

There is nothing a woman cannot do.

You just be the loving and nurturing mother you are, and continue to do the best you can at raising her. Of course it breaks your heart when your child seems unhappy but the important thing is that she is learning greatly from this experience in life. It'll make her strong and ready to take on life when she's older, depending on how much you communicate with her. The more, the better!

Her being emotional is inevitable and it is so very natural that she'll miss him. It's ok. Try to have fun and surround yourselves with people who really matter.

Pray to God to help you through this tough time!

Answer 7

It's always the children that suffer the most when parents break up. She probably feels it is her fault.Has her Dad tried to talk to her and let her know that she is not to blame? It is too hard for them to understand that you will be there for them. Maybe he could visit a little more for now and you have to keep doing what you are, in reassuring her that it will be all right. Good luck.

Answer 8

Its very imp. to take care of your child at this age ... otherwise the same feeling will lay foundation for the childs future attitude ... first u need to tune up your attitude so cheerful that the child should able to forget other harsh things in an easy way (which u might already be doing). Pls take attn. that the child is not reminded about any those issues which could trigger the feelings of insecurity ... take simple actions like ... diverting the mind every night with good stories ... interesting indoor games .... good jokes ... good question & answers ...

encourging the childs creative side like paiting / dance etc. Do not expose the child to TV / Films much ....

Your attitude is going to be more effective ....

congrats in advance for growing up your child very strongly in postive attitude

Answer 9

You have definitly said the right words to her. I think your a good mom (smile). It is hard for a 5 year old to grasp what's been going on with mom and dad. There is the possibility,that the 3 of you should seek a counselor, because this person is professionally trained,to bring out thoughts and fellings in small children,that we can't get them to talk about. Hopefully your husband will agree to this,for the sake of his daughter. (I'm just hoping that you and him will get back together again!).

Answer 10

My sons dad left at a very young age and I did what u are doing now. She is going through the process that they go through.My son did the same thing.She sounds like she is at the anger stage right know.This is when they start testing u to see how far u will let them go. You sound like u are doing everything u can do. The only thing I advise is that u do not let her get away with things that u wouldn't of let her get away with before your husband left. I made the mistake of doing that and things got worse. When I realize what he was doing I put my foot down but it would of been so much easier for both of us if I would of just stuck by the rules from the start.Like him talking back to me. I would ignore it.Big mistake.Kicking and screaming I wouldn't punish him.That was a big mistake to. It just got worse. So my advise to you is to give her not only love but to keep the guide lines clear with her.My son did get through it and now he is in college.She will get through it.It just takes time. Good luck