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My wife and I have been married for 10 years and last night we fought over some money issues (we are in major debt) and are currently going thru debt councilling. My wife says she does not love me any longer and thinks that I am a bad father (which breaks my heart because I love my boys with all of my heart). I know I haven't been the best at earning a living ( no education) and have been out of work for a few months during our relationship but I dont think that constitutes me a bad father. She said some things to me that I dont know if I can ever forgive her for. I have been a pot smoker for 25 years and currently have been clean for 11 days.
I have for many years denied that it was a problem but now I have seen the light and will do what ever I can to rectify that problem. My wife like to pick fights in front of the kids which I think is totally unfair?? I am scared to leave which is what she wants me to do. She wants a divorse and i am considering leaving. I am lost and confused.

2006-10-28 03:36:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

We have been fighting for years now. Should I accept what she says and take full blame. She wanted to controll all of the financing since we have been married. I have 2 credit cards that I use and she has 10. In her eyes I can not fold laundry right or load the dishwasher correctly and any thing I said in the past was wrong in her eyes. I let her take control not because I was weak but because I truly thought she wanted too do it and handle it better than I could after all she is college educated and better organized. She always made me feel below her and her family. I grew up in Brooklyn new york and was poor growing up, I feel I did ok for myself considering my backround. I wish things did not get this far and I truly wish I could fix it. My wifes pride is too strong to seek councilling. I sometimes feel like ending it all but my children keep me going.

2006-10-28 03:45:21 · update #1

I have not done anything but pot. My wife also knows that I have quit and long I have been doing it and her answer to me was to late. She does not support me but almost makes it seem like she wants me to go back to it so she can use it against me. I admit that when we fight I will respond to her viciously too. All I wanted from her is to support my choice to quit but I guess she really does hate me.

2006-10-28 03:52:25 · update #2

9 answers

Hon, pain is real, you are feeling is real. there are some real control issues happening, and it sounds like your wife has some serious issues herself.

Big thing is to take control of your own life first and formost. You cannot help anyone until you have helped yourself first. It sounds bad, but can a car run on an empty tank of gas, or water?

Your wife wants control and picks fights in front of the kids....when your stoned you react back in the way she wants...I would say that you need time away, and if she doesnt understand, then to get out. you have two cards to her 20? and you are paying half the debt? I hope that what you are paying is your debt, not hers....or is that the problem...she wants control so that she can do the spending...your in debt consolidation...you are in serious trouble here, need some proffesional help.

2006-10-28 04:57:13 · answer #1 · answered by shortandcutetoboot 2 · 0 0

First of all, congratulations for giving up the pot...you should if you have children, it's illegal and they don't need to be involved with any of that. Second, you should get some legal advise before you just leave. Leaving may not be the best thing to do legally. You also have to think about your children in this. Fighting in front of them should never happen. It's not their problem but kids tend to feel guilty when their parents fight and blame themselves. No child should feel that way...it's not fair to them.See if your wife would be willing to get counseling with you. If so maybe you still have a chance to keep it together...it would be worth a try to keep your family together. There are places like the United Way that provide counseling for what you can afford to pay. Good luck...get some legal advise.

2006-10-28 10:45:31 · answer #2 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0 0

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It might be healthy for you to be alone and "find yourself"! You do need to talk to her about your feelings especially they way she talks to you in front of your boys that should be outlawed. Parents don't realize how they hurt their children by making mistakes like that!

You can go to AA/CA meetings to get a feel of what its like to have a community to talk things out with. Pot is a drug just like alcohol and crack, you mentioned denial and its the same whether u want to believe it or not. I divorced an addict I have been there. You need to help yourself before you can help your marriage. Maybe if she sees your effort she would be more willing to work with you. I wish you all the best and I hope everything works for you. I am just sharing my experience and I hope every little bit helps.

2006-10-28 10:46:02 · answer #3 · answered by HereweGO 5 · 0 0

she is verbaly abusive towards you an that isn't right. sorry to hear you are going through so much , i am sure you are hurt by it all. sad to think a marriage could not withstand money issues , isn't it? a divorce is just walking away from your problems , but i would never put up with the verbal bull_sh*it! just ask her if she is ready to give up that easy? it is over money an not you personaly...if you don't want to loose everything , just consider the oppions....like better employment. don't know how much education you have had....you said not too much. but there are opportunties if you look in the right place's. such as restraunt....grows into a manager postion!

2006-10-28 10:45:39 · answer #4 · answered by ~just_jd~ 5 · 0 0

you both need to see marriage councillor as well as a debt councillor.
you always say things when you are angry!
don't leave try and stick it out for the children and try and work thro the problems. things may be ok once the money problems are out of the way. cut up ALL!! the credit cards. if you are still using theses it will be making things worse rather than better.
hope everything works out for you both

2006-10-28 13:43:30 · answer #5 · answered by NOT TELLING YOU LOL 5 · 0 0

Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you are really tring to change things, and you wan to give the marriage a shot. Also, after somking that long, you are going to have withdrawl symptoms, prepare her for this, after about 2 months, you will be ok. Your jonzing may be gone, but you are going to go through bouts of big mood swings, be prepared. HOpe it works.

2006-10-28 10:43:33 · answer #6 · answered by shrimpseys 4 · 0 0

Maybe she is frustrated and the burden of the financial problems is weighing heavily on her. If you know within yourself that you are a good father don't let her kill your spirit, you would know within your heart if you really are a good dad.

2006-10-28 12:56:43 · answer #7 · answered by DownAndOut 4 · 0 0

You should both see a marriage counselor.
Do you think your drug use has been part of the problem? No education, no job?
Perhaps you should see a therapist on your own.

2006-10-28 10:39:19 · answer #8 · answered by WendyD1999 5 · 0 0

Hey Dude,Do not leave,you will be fu*ked then. As soon as you leave she will be down at ss, wanting child support. You need to work this to your advantedge. Try to please her,for the time being. Untill you can get your stuff straight

2006-10-28 10:49:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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