How do I be more forgiving?

Question

I have a list of virtues I need to work on (it's pretty long) but the one I need to work on right now is forgivness.

It's really hard, because I can say, "I forgive him/her" and tell myself that but deep down I still feel anger for that person. I need to be a better person but I don't know what to do to get there.

Answer 1

Forgiveness isn't about excusing the offender. It's about letting go of your self-righteousness.

If you are angry, it means that you are hanging on to the idea that you've been wronged. It's about holding a resentment toward the other individual.

Forgiveness means that you let go of that resentment. It doesn't mean that you suddenly deem the individual as trustworthy, or that you will then be able to be friends. It simply means that you choose to let go of the offense, and in doing so, you let go of its hold agianst you. It takes a bit of practice, but in the end, it's really worth it.

Look back, and start with the resentments that you're holding over simple things. Maybe somebody cut you off on your way to work, and you're still angry. Look at what that anger is costing you; the space you're renting out in your head to that other driver. Let it go. Choose to not have it rule that portion of your mind. When that one's gone, look for another.

When you've been able to deal with the ones from the past, start dealing with the present. Ask yourself if a particular slight is really worth the energy you would put into it in the form of anger and resentment. If you don't want to have it rule you, let it go.

Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to like or love a person afterward; it simply means that you aren't going to let an event have control over you. An evil person is still evil, but what they do doesn't have to take up space in your head.

--Dee

Answer 2

There are basically three steps...

Step 1: Get some perspective on your pain and anger. People who were able to get on with their lives refused to see themselves as victims. For example, if your spouse cheats on you and leaves, you aren't an unlovable dupe -- you're a devoted person who was stronger than your spouse.

Step 2: Attempt to empathize with the person who hurt you. Think about what he/she was feeling at the time of the transgression, and understand the pressures and factors that made him commit harmful acts. This doesn't mean that the acts were justified. It means that you have put yourself in the transgressor's shoes. This is the crux of forgiving and perhaps the hardest part.

Step 3: Stop thinking of forgiveness in absolute terms. Many people fantasize that their compassion will inspire gratitude from the person who hurt them, followed by a reconciliation and a state of peace and comfort. What you often get is partial relief -- a release of your most intense anger -- that allows you to move on.

Remember, forgiveness is not condoning, pardoning or excusing the offender. It is acknowledging that although you may not be responsible for what happened, you are fully responsible for your long-term attitude.

In-depth forgiveness is not an epiphany or a one-time event. It takes practice and patience. But the rewards are powerful.


Recent studies about forgiveness have proven what major religions advocate -- showing your antagonists compassion and letting go of the desire for revenge can improve your psychological and physical health.
Forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression and stress and lead to greater feelings of optimism, hope, compassion and self confidence.

A helpful website for you
"Forgiveness can be learned..." :
http://www.forgivenessandhealth.org/html/howto.html

Answer 3

This is the honest to God truth.
Until I was in my late 40's, I was the same way. I began to read the Bible every morning. As I read the Bible and was reminded of each sin, I prayed for forgiveness. Of course it took many years for some extreme behaviors to be taken from me. However, it was worth the wait.
You are to forgive but you do not have to forget.
I was called a liar by a shrink because he did not believe everything that had been done to me throughout my lifetime. That is how bad others have been to me.
I have been given the gift to forgive and the gift to know that I will not forget. If you forget, you will not remember the lesson you learned from the situation. You must remember so that you will be more careful the next time that situation happens to you. GOD BLESS YOU. Do not give up.

Answer 4

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to forget what they've done to you. But to harbor resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die! A very destructive emotion.

Don Henley (ex-Eagle) said it in his song "Forgiveness" if you keep carrying it around it'll eat you up inside.

Write them a letter - pour out all the violent, hurt, anger the ugliest meanest nastiest letter you can telling this person why you're so pissed. Then once you've gotten it out of your system, make a big production of burning it, along with all the emotional garbage in it... I hope it works...for YOUR sake!

Answer 5

I found a quote a few years ago that I thought really hit the nail on the head; "Unforgiveness is the poison one drinks in the hope that the other person will die."

Forgiving someone does not absolve them of responsibility for what they did. It simply releases you from staying connected with your hurt, which is the basis for your anger. If you don't forgive and let go/forget, you are the one who gives up part of your life for nothing.

Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to be buddies with them either, if you choose not to be. It is your release from the connection to the situation.

You can choose how you react to a situation. If you give your power to someone else by not forgiving them your are their prisoner for as long as you choose to be.

The best book I have ever read on Forgiveness is "Forgiveness and Beyond" By Marlene Oakes. You can get it on this site;

http://www.bestprices.com/cgi-bin/vlink/0936383011BT.html?id=abGZcBIG

Answer 6

You have to first figure out whether its something you ought to forgive over. Some things really are unforgiveable - I don't care what some people say.

Then you have to figure out if the person intended to do whatever it was or if they did something and didn't realize the consequences. That makes it more forgiveable.

You have to tell yourself that life is short, and being angry over stuff that isn't all that big a deal isn't worth it; neither is losing relatinships that are worth anything to you.

Try to understand that sometimes someone in a situation may do something because of that situation, and if you were in their situation you may have done the same thing.

Answer 7

A lot of times, if you stop and take a step back to try to see the other person's perspective, you can see why they did what they did, and it's harder to be angry with them when you understand that. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with what they did, mind you - you can still think what they did was wrong, but it helps to let go of the anger.

Answer 8

You have to figure out how to let the anger/hurt go. Only then can you move on to true forgiveness.

Answer 9

Put yourself in the person you're forgiving's shoes. Think of how you would feel in their situation. It always seems to work for me.

Answer 10

It's easy, picture yourself doing the same deed and think if you would like people to forgive you.