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Question

My father passed away on a thursday a couple of months ago; ever since then, one of my sisters in law calls me every single thursday to check up on me, and although I know she does this to keep in touch and with good intentions, every time she calls she brings up my Father's death and how she is feeling about it and asks me about my own feelings. No matter how good I might be feeling when the phone rings it ends up reminding me of the big loss and it saddens me still. How can I get her to stop calling on thursday or stop talking about my Dad without hurting her feelings? Any ideas? only serious answers please. Help is greatly appreciated.

Caller ID never shows it is her calling...it is a long story about long distance calls, and since my whole family lives elsewhere if I don't answer the calls I'm risking not talking with Mom or other members of the family and friends.

Answer 1

Your sister-in-law is just worried. And what you have said about her, I would say if you just told her just how you feel, she will understand. Your trying to start your life again, everything you once knew is gone, just let her know how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness, you just need sometime to really figure out how you are feeling. It's like when people come to you and say "I'm sorry" and you want to yell, why, what did you do???? Know one knows what to say to someone who has lost someone they love, and sometimes how they feel they are helping, just isn't. Get her a card if it is something you would rather not do this in person. Losing your father is a big deal, it's a change, and it takes awhile. Just let her know you need time to accept everything. And when and if you need anything she will be the first person you call on. Good luck!!!! Hopefully things get better for you soon. And I'll say it "I'm sorry" just for the fact that you had to feel that kind of pain.

Answer 2

Women in domestic violence situations are victims 100%. You have no idea how awful it is to be in an abusive situation. A man that abuses a woman doesn't just hit her, he breaks her down emotionally to the point where she accepts his behavior as being a part of her life and her fault. He'll make her feel so low and pathetic she won't have the will to stop him or walk away or in some cases even protect her children. Abuse changes who you are, it's nearly impossible to function in your life when you suffer abuse. Even if your family intervened, she probably wouldn't have listened, she had to get to a point where it was too much. It is a good sign that she left when he turned on the kids, it shows she isn't completely under his control. Now, it's about staying strong for the kids. Perhaps since one has issues relating to the abuse, she'll be more focused on keeping him away. Try to have some compassion for your sister, you haven't been in her shoes, you can't judge her.

Answer 3

Glad you can see her intentions are good. However, you are looking to move forward with your life. Sort of difficult to move on with your sister-in-law always calling. Have you thought about calling her first? Call her and tell her that things have been getting better for you. Say something about her phone calls (they've been appreciated). But, mention you're ready to move on. Talk about good things that have been happening, what you're looking forward to do, positive advice your dad might have left you before passing away. This should send her a big hint about no longer needing to call you so often. If it doesn't, start screening your calls. Return her call the next day. Keep the conversation short. What do you think?

Answer 4

Confront her when she calls and tell her how it makes you feel to always talk about your dads passing!

You won't need to yell or cry or hurt anyones feelings.

If you're alone than your sister-inlaw will be a good friend.

Just tell her you appreciate her calling and that you want her to continue, but not to bring up your Dad any more.

Although, Talking about it is healthy, you might not want to talk about it with some one that's not blood!

She should change her questions if it means she can still call!

Answer 5

Really the only reasonable way to go around it is to tell her how it makes you feel. She may not realize what she is doing to you. Just tell her you don't mind her callin on thursdays, as long as she doesn't bring up you father. As long as you don't get nasty with her you're not going to hurt her feelings. Thank her for being so caring to worry about you, it's just you're ok and are trying to move on. Not that you're ever gonna get over losing a parent, but not bringing it up every thursday will help the healing process. Good luck with everything.

Answer 6

Caller ID. You don't have to take the call.

Meanwhile send her a small but gentle note that lets her know that you appreciate her compassion but that talking about it keeps a wound open where you want to find healing. Set your limits in the note with kind words, but still invite the call.

Wehn you do talk, don't talk about his death -- talk about his life and the good things in it. Remembering them out loud will solidify them in your mind and your sister in laws mind and maybe she can get over it as well.

Find laughter when you can, and in time the grief will heal.

Answer 7

Tell her that you appreciate her concern but you need to frieve in your own way. Then tell her that you're thinking about joining a Thursday night bowling league. Even if you have no intention of doing anything like that it'll show that you're not sitting home moping just waiting for her call.

Answer 8

I'm really sorry for your loss.
Next time she calls, talk about what you've been up to. When she brings up your father, just tell her you are still sad about it, but talking about it all the time is making it harder for you to move on in your life. Let her know you are there for her, and that shes a friend you can always talk to, but hopefully she'll get the hint that it bothers you. I hope everything goes well, take care.

Answer 9

Tell her how it makes your feel, or just don't answer the calls on that day.. Hopefully she gets the hint. Sounds more like she calls you to comfort herself. Let her know that replaying those kinds of memories about your father is not the ones you want to keep being reminded of. Sometimes, those that mean well don't really know how to comfort those in situations such as yours. So, they feel obligated to constantly see if your ok, rather than leaving things unsaid for fear that you may think they don't care. let her know that your okay, and i'm pretty sure that your father would rather not drag the day of his death on and on. :)

Answer 10

I'm sorry to hear about your father's passing and I know how difficult this time is for you. You have my sympathy.

I have a similar situation, only mine is much stickier than yours. My mother passed away about a month ago, and I have a lot of estranged family members that are suddenly contacting me after 15 or 20 years of being apart. They want to talk about my mom and her death and, of course, they want updates on my life. I'm not sure how I feel about my mom's death, and I'm definately not sure about all these people butting into my life. What I've done is just to be honest with them. Of course, I'm talking about my mom but you could change to talk about your dad by saying something like ...

You know, ____ (insert name), I know that you have good intentions and my best interest at heart, but when you bring up my dad's death it hurts me. My dad raised me and was a big part of my life, and now he's passed on. I don't really know how I feel about all of this because it's just too soon to talk about it. When I figure out what I'm feeling and how I'm doing, I'll let you know. But, in the meantime, could you try not to bring up his death when we talk? You can still talk about him and our good memories, but I'm really not ready to talk about his dying yet.