How do I turn off my self-defense mechanisms?

Question

I had a difficult childhood with a personality disordered mother who later turned schizophrenic, and I developed Reactive Attachment Disorder as a child.

Now I find it extremely difficult to open up to people and receive love, and I do not desire physical proximity so much as other people do. I haven't had a sexual relationship despite being in my twenties but I've felt unrequited romance a number of times and I really desire to develop emotionally warm relationships, but I somehow keep applying my self-defense mechanisms unwantedly - maybe because I'm so much used to them. I also have a very low level of emotional intelligence.

How can I get a better control of my thoughts and emotions? How can I open up to people?

Answer 1

Practice practice practice!

At least you are aware that you are like that. That is a very good start. If you are aware then you can change it. And it sounds like you really do want to change.

Sometimes the way we think and act is a result of habit. Breaking habits takes time and patience. The main thing is to replace your old habit with a new behaviour.

So for example - if you normally find it hard to open up to people and you normally dont converse well with someone you like - next time try to talk about yourself a bit. Or ask that person some questions - people love to talk about themselves normally. Then contribute when you have a thought about what that person is saying.

Or another good habit to start is to just smile at people. Get in the habit of smiling often and it really does make a big difference. You will get good responses to people and they will want to talk to you. Then it is your chance to practice practice practice!

A really good idea that works is to visualise how you would like to be. Sports players use this technique all the time. Just take some time as often as you can (eg once a day or once a week) and imagine ...... imagine yourself talking and opening up to people. Imagine yourself smiling at people, having some good conversations and connecting. If you can visualise it - then your subconscious mind will work towards that.

Talking to a counsellor may also be really helpful. There are probably underlying reasons why you are like this. Sorting through them by talking about them could really help.

Try catching yourself at times when you are applying your self defense mechanisms and see what you are actually thinking. Catch yourself out - maybe something negative is going through your mind and then really challenge this thought. You can then talk back to yourself with a more positive thought.

All the best.
You will get there!

ps start by opening up to really friendly caring people. Otherwise you may find it more difficult. It is hard for anyone to open up to some people

Answer 2

Remember...
Thoughts become Words
Words become Actions
Actions become Character
Character is Everything

Start by thinking positively and really examining your thinking patterns. Are they more negative than uplifting? Do you put yourself down alot? It's amazing how when you stop and analyze thinking patterns, how many times we don't do something because we think we'll fail or look stupid...or even because we already have in our mind that there is proof that I have this disorder or these symptoms. Don't ever let labels get in the way or your social functioning. I know that therapy can help you with social situations and proves very helpful indeed. There are techniques you can do like role play. Are you too nervous to say hi to that pretty girl and strike up a conversation? Practice with someone you trust, preferably a best friend or close family member. Have them pretend to be the girl and you be yourself. And if in real life, she gives you the cold shoulder, don't take it personal! It's important to relalize that taking the risk is better than sitting in the sidelines wondering and longing to take part. Practice makes perfect, yes, even in social interactions. good luck to you and God bless!

Answer 3

I think that it would help alot if you try to relax, and keep telling yourself that to open up won't hurt you, and no one is out to hurt you if you open up.

By opening up I mean taking a look at what exactly makes you uncomfortable and ways to deal with it, and by being honest with other people about your wants and needs.

If you think theres someone youd like to get closer to, start out by trying to make eye contact occasionally during conversations, and listen to and retain what people tell you. Get a conversation started about what you did the other day, find some hobbies in common.

keep tabs on people you care about, and take notice if they're having a bad day, or if they're especially happy or excited about something. comment and offer help if theyre having a bad day, offer to listen.

If you take an interest in other people they will begin to take an interest in you.

and lastly: don't sweat the small stuff. if a person blows you off don't take it as a slight to you personally, perhaps they're just having a bad day, and you can always try tomorrow..

be safe, be happy and best of luck to you.