I am dating a man (and love him dearly), and he's recently proposed. I'm uncertain partially due to view of my friends. SItuation, he has a daughter (age 7) and he is a terrific dad to her. We live in Boston, she lives in Maine. He does everything for her. He has another daughter, age 3, she lives in the midwest. He has never attempted contact with her, and doesn't plan to. Totally absent. He has been contacted by the mother on several occasions but he insists on the mom "finding a new dad" for their daughter so he can be "out of the picture". This is disturbing, but I still love him. I need input. Should I assume he could possibly go down this same road with me in the future, completely dismissing my child (if we conceive one....after marriage)? When I ask him about it, he says that she "trapped him", and he isn't going to be taken advantage of. Yes, he pays support on both children (by court order). Ladies, would you stay away? Move on? Men....input too please.
2006-10-27 13:39:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If your gut is telling you something is wrong, 99% of the time your instinct is correct. He's being very vague about his other child, and I feel if there is a great connection between you and him, he should be able to be open about this situation to you. That's what love is about, communication and trust. I think you both need to discuss this thoroughly before any wedding arrangements are made. Tell him that this is bothering you. If he doesn't open up about it, or even if you still feel something is wrong, then you should break off the engagement. Good Luck.
2006-10-27 13:51:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no way I would marry him. NO WAY. I don't care how that child was conceived. It's HIS child and he has NO right whatsoever to be an absent father. I have no respect for this man, how can you? Marry him, HA, I would tell him to go and find another sucker that has the same terrible morals as he does! That child needs the love of her father, NOT just child support. Why would you even want to be with a man like this? I would be concerned big time about marrying him and having kids with him. But.... in my case, if a man told me this is how he felt about a child that he brought into this world, I would have walked away a longgggggggggg time ago.
2006-10-27 23:10:26 · answer #2 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would marry him and then start leaving things out where he could see them. There's nothing to keep you from making contact with the girl's mother. Pictures as she grows, you can send the birthday and Christmas stuff. Once he starts getting used to seeing her around he may want a visit. At least she will know she has a loving stepmother. He can't say you trapped him! He already asked you. I would wait a while to have a child with him, if ever. Some men just don't make good dad's.
2006-10-27 20:50:04 · answer #3 · answered by marciacarter@sbcglobal.net 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His Response to your question aside. Its possible that he is a great dad to one daughter because he has life experience with that child. He has done things with her and she knows him well, that is very hard to walk away from. However on the same note it can be very hard and painful to have a relationship with a child that you cant be with so he may be trying to avoid more pain for himself and for his 3 year old daughter because she is still Young enough to have a good life without that pain. A new dad for that girl, one that can be there for her would be in her best interest and he probably knows that. He does note hate the child its just a messy situation and he want to protect his daughter and himself. If you truly love him and he you. Get married have children because you know he will be a great dad. especially when the kids are at home with you and him. Have faith and good luck.
2006-10-27 20:55:21 · answer #4 · answered by mskylers 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is only my opinion... You should let him know that this bothers you. I am a strong believer that, "You reap what you sow"! If he doesn't nurture this child the way she deserves to be nurtured, it will come back to him in the future "BIG TIME". You will be his wife, so his decision will affect you too. You seem to have a good heart. Hopefully you can make him understand that the child should not have to pay for the mothers mistakes. She did not ask to be here. Furthermore... there is no such thing as being trapped. He should know that there are people in the world who lie about being protected during sex, so he should have taken the extra precautions to protect himself. Good Luck In Life. Hope this gets resolved.
2006-10-27 22:36:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The thing is, can you accept the way he is with his two children. The way he shows favoritism..... So what if he had been "trapped". The 3 year old is still his child... And you also brought up a very good point in regards to how would he treat your children when this comes about.... You need these questions answered by your boyfriend...
2006-10-27 20:46:35 · answer #6 · answered by Bikerbutt 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this should be very easy for you. Picture in your head if you are willing to risk the fact that he may one day abandon one of your kids and how you would have to explain that to him/her. He may or may not, but he has shown that he has very little regard for ALL of his kids. I don't always get along with all of my kids all of the time, and I quite often butt heads with my 11 yo, but I would NEVER love one or 2 and ignore the other!! This is the truest test of his character, or the lack thereof!!
You didn't find a real man. Real men honor their families. Bottom line. Go find a real man and then be happy with him
2006-10-27 20:45:51 · answer #7 · answered by TotallylovesTodd! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If that's his 'current' view of his child...hmm...perhaps he's still got some maturing to do and if I were you I'd wait on having kids. He isnt near either one of them...take the hint that though he supports them by legal order...he'd not have anything to do with that if if werent a legal order. Whats there to love? Doesnt sound very lovable to me. but, good luck with that.
2006-10-27 20:55:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well have you asked him about the situation? That is kinda wrong, i would probably think like you in that he left that child and he could leave yours in the future. tell him how you feel.
2006-10-27 20:44:13 · answer #9 · answered by mickey_ds 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is the individual you would like to marry? I would run in the opposite direction...He would probably do the same thing to you...Don't chance it.
2006-10-27 20:51:20 · answer #10 · answered by Miss J 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋