can anyone correct my essay please?(1st body paragraph [1])?

Question

Each year more and more people in the United States develop life-threatening and serious eating disorders. According to National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. More than 8,000,000 people in the United States have an eating disorder of which 90% are women. It usually start in the teens but may begin as early as age eight. Victims suffer mostly from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. The similarity between these two disorders are their causes, for example, people with anorexia and bulimia have low self-esteem, poor body image, depression, obsession with calories and fat content of foods, and many other symptoms. With all the pressure people receive from others, it’s no wonder people wants to be skinnier. Just take a look at all these magazines, its almost impossible to find an overweight model on any page. Same case with all these shows on TV, no matter what channel people switch to, there will always be skinny men or women showing on the screen.

Answer 1

Each year more and more people in the United States develop life-threatening and serious eating disorders, according to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders.

More than 8,000,000 people in the United States have an eating disorder, of which 90% are women. These disorders usually manifest in the teens but may begin as early as age eight. The most prominent eating disorders are Anorexia Nervosa and Anorexia Bulimia.

The similarity between these two disorders are their causes, for example, people with Anorexia and Bulimia are known to suffer from low self-esteem, poor body image, depression and an unhealthy obsession with the calories and fat content of foods.

Peer pressure from the media is partly responsible for the overwhelming fixation on the “body beautiful”. Magazines routinely feature emaciated models and television merely reinforces the viewpoint that thin is definitely “in”. It is no wonder, therefore, that the many people that aspire to these images find themselves the unfortunate victims of an eating disorder.

Answer 2

[ ] = a little revision suggestion, in place of the preceding phrase or as an addition.

Each year more and more people in the United States develop serious, life-threatening eating disorders. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, more than 8,000,000 people in the United States have an eating disorder. 90% of those people are women. It usually starts in their teens but may begin as early as age eight. Victims suffer mostly from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. The similarity between these two disorders are their causes. For example, people with anorexia and bulimia have low self-esteem, poor body image, depression, obsession with calories and fat content of foods, and many other symptoms. With all the pressure people recieve from others, it's no wonder people want[feel the need] to be skinnier. Just take a look at all these magazines [any magazine], it's almost impossible to find an overweight [a healthy sized] model on any page. [It's the] Same case with all these shows on TV-- no matter what channel people switch to [you're watching], there will always be skinny men or women showing on the screen.

Other Revisions: If you don't somewhere else in the essay, describe what the eating disorders actually are.

Answer 3

Each year more and more people in the United States develop life-threatening eating disorders. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, more than 8,000,000 people in the United States have an eating disorder, of which 90% are women. It usually starts in the teens but may begin as early as age eight. Victims suffer mostly from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. The similarity between these two disorders are their causes. For example, people with anorexia and bulimia have low self-esteem, depression, obsession with calories, the fat content in foods, and many other symptoms. With all the pressure people receive from others, it’s no wonder people wants to be skinnier. It's almost impossible to find an overweight model on any page. The same applies to TV shows because almost every show or channel you turn to, there will almost always be some skinny or good-looking person either in the show or hosting it.

They don't *necessarily* have to have poor body image, sometimes they get this stuff because some stupid idiotic guy tells them they're "fat" when they're a perfectly normal weight.
I think you like to write things the way you say them. That's ok if you're writing scripts, but not too good for essays.

Answer 4

Each year more and more people in the United States develop life-threatening and serious eating disorders. According to National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, more than 8,000,000 people in the United States have an eating disorder, of which 90% are women. It usually starts in the teens but may begin as early as age eight. Victims suffer mostly from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. The similarity between these two disorders are their causes, for example, people with anorexia and bulimia have low self-esteem, poor body image, depression, obsession with calories and fat content of foods, and many other symptoms. With all the pressure people receive from others, it’s no wonder people wants to be skinnier. Just take a look at all these magazines, it's almost impossible to find an overweight model on any page. Same case with all these shows on TV, no matter what channel people switch to, there will always be skinny men or women showing on the screen.

I didn't do much, but i hope it helps a little.

Answer 5

Each year more and more people in the United States develop life-threatening and serious eating disorders, according to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. More than 8,000,000 people in the United States have an eating disorder, of which 90% are women. It usually starts in the teens but may begin as early as age eight. Victims suffer mostly from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. The similarity between these two disorders are their causes. For example, people with anorexia and bulimia have low self-esteem, poor body image, depression, obsession with calories and fat content of foods, and many other symptoms. With all the pressure people receive from others, it’s no wonder they want to be skinnier. Just take a look at current magazine issues! Its almost impossible to find an overweight model on any page. It's the same case with television shows. No matter what channel people change to, there will always be underweight men or women on the program.

Answer 6

You need a comma after “eating disorders” and before “according to National…
This second sentence should be a part of the first. It has no verb so it is not a proper sentence.

8,000,000 should be 8 million. It would be easier to read. The end of the same sentence is a little awkward. I suggest, “have an eating disorder and 90% of them are women.”

“It usually start in the teens” should be “It usually starts in the teens”

“The similarity between these two disorders are their causes,” Should be “disorders are in their causes,”

“With all the pressure people receive from others, it’s no wonder people wants to be skinnier.” Should be “no wonder people want to be skinner.” “want” should be singular.

In the next sentence “magazines, its almost” should be “magazines, it’s almost”. “it” should not be possessive but the contraction of “it is” or “it’s.”

“Same case with all these” Should be “It is the same case with all these”

“skinny men or women showing on the screen. Should have “and” instead of “or” because you see both.

As for the content of the paragraph itself it is pretty good. I would name specific magazines like “Teen, Cosmopolitan, Vogue, etc.” There are plus size women magazines out there, but the most popular magazines still worship the youth obsessed culture. These last three words are most often used to describe the root cause of anorexia and bulimia. The may be a cliché, but they are an accepted one. Again on the TV shows give example and name the most popular TV shows among teenagers (is anyone on 7th Heaven fat?). You also forgot to mention the commercials that are telling teenagers, especially teenage women what to buy. Look at all the Maybelline commercials with no larger woman. Only L’Oreal with Queen Latefia has a large woman in it. You can even point out that this example of commercials is rare because so few women are comfortable with their size. Queen Latefia is a notable acceptation.

Answer 7

Serious eating disorders, according to the NAANAD (these two sentences should be combined in one sentence and joined by a comma).
More than 8,000,000 people -- your stat on the 90% being female should be closer to this number. Otherwise it modifies the eating disorder, not the people.
More than 8,000,000 people in the United States, 90% of whom are women, have an eating disorder.
If you want to say the similarities between these two disorders are their causes you have to use the plural as you have listed half a dozen different causes, not just one. But don't tack on 'and many other symptoms' as you are talking about CAUSES not symptoms.
With all the pressure people receive from others, it is no wonder they want (singular) to be skinnier.

Here you move from a formal mode into a very casual one when you say 'just take a look etcetcetc"
Instead of edging into your statement that way, begin strongly by saying, "It is almost impossible to find an overweight model pictured in any of the popular magazines. Or to find overweight stars in television shows.
Again 'Same case with all these shows on TV' is very casual, and you aren't making a casual comment here.
No matter where one looks, the 'beautiful people' are always depicted as skinny men and women.

Answer 8

I found just two errors, they are in caps below. Put a comma in IT'S, and an S at the end of starts. Otherwise, GREAT JOB ;-)

It usually STARTS in the teens but may begin as early as age eight.

IT'S almost impossible to find an overweight model on any page. Same case with all these shows on TV, no matter what channel people switch to, there will always be skinny men or women showing on the screen.

Answer 9

develop serious or even life-threatening eating disorders
According to the National Association ..... Disorders, more than ....
..eating disorder, of which ...
It usually starts during adolescence but ....
The similarity ..... is their cause

dont use the words depression and obsession, feel depressed and become obsessed about calories and quantity of fat in food

i dont like the word "victims" too :) The most common eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa.

people want (not wants)

perhaps u need some paragraphs too :)
1st paragraph: each .....women (intruduction)
2nd: It usually ... other symptoms (main piece of information)
3rd: with all ..... screen. (discussion)

I am not saying more because then it wont seem like yours :)

Answer 10

First off, cite where you are getting this information. Usually starts. Victims suffer from, no need for mostly. What is the difference between the two things, you make it sound they are both the same. It is no wonder, I was taught never to use it's, always it is, I am and so on. Again, it is. In some cases, when watching Tv.