Who is right? She or me ? Married man of 39+Unmarried girl of 22-Please serious replies only..?

Question

I am married man of 39. She is 22, unmarried. We are great friends.

I have NO relationship with my wife BUT we are still with each other JUST because we have 2 kids and we do not want to ruin life of kids. There is nothing left between me and my wife.

I love this girl so much. She consider me as her BEST friend and she has proven it that I am on the TOP in her life BUT she SAYS that she could not love me because I am married man.

I agree that she is right from her view and I THINK that I am also right from MY view because I am also HUMAN and I have rights to love someone.

We are with each other since last 6 months. She is working with me so during day we are officially with each other.

I am not living with my wife since last 6 months and since I met this girl, we are spending ALMOST every night with each other. Believe it or not BUT I have not even hugged or kissed her BECAUSE I VALUE HER FEELINGS THAT SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME.

Am I doing anything wrong by loving her ?

Answer 1

I was amazed at some of the responses you have received. You haven't committed any adultery if you haven't even hugged or kissed this girl.

There are a few things however that I do want to ask you. Are you absoloutely certain that you are not just interested in this girl because you have lost romantic interest in your wife?. Just be certain of the reasons as to why this girl is attractive to you and why. It may be that it is far easier to run away from a problem than it is to face it and you really don't know if this girl will leave you after the excitement is over.

Some women are attracted to a married man and usually because unavailable men are faithful and are desirable because of that reason. I am sure that your own interest in her is genuine, but that it is an alternative solution to a much larger problem itself. I am sure that this girl likes you too and definitely has her moral values in place and respects you as a married man. But, she may also be thinking that if you are married and contemplating an affair with her (or leaving your wife for her) bewilders her a little and is thinking that if you could do that, then what would you do if she becomes involved with her?

This would raise a lot of questions in her mind and you are a decent man of course I can see this, but that doesn't change the fact that you are still married and trying to be honourable to your wife. Some people, even sincere ones, sometimes like to push boundaries (that is part of human nature and how we succeed in life with jobs and with relationships) so, people we are attracted to is a challenge and if they can succeed in gaining your interest, then it's like they have got their winnings, but is now no longer of interest because it was all too available and too easy for them.

I know it sounds crazy, but this is how people usually work and want to know what is in it for them even after winning the love and if this girl sees you as someone she can have at the drop of a hat , she will be thinking that but will the same happen to me if he gets bored of me? - will I become a step-mom to his kids? - this is what she will be thinking. She also, as many people do, want the chase of courtship and you as a married man, ready to give her all, will make her reject you in her mind because you are all too available to her.

The attraction of a married man for many single women is that he is simply unavailable and why women develop huge crushes on them because they represent something unobtainable. It is a temptation for this girl in another way, because you haven't given her any hard work to gain your interest, not only will she be less likely to stick with you long-term, but that she may very well be with you because she can, but unlikely to committ long-term.

You would think that she may not do, but if there is nothing for her to chew on (the chase of it all) and you haven't given yourself plenty of leaving your wife time to greive, this sends out a strong message to her that you really are careless and thoughtless to your wife even though you are not and explain that you are not to her. It kind of goes on a subconscious level with people and no matter that you do not love your wife anymore, will not give her any reassurrances.

I am sorry for being so blunt, but I want to give realistic advise and have done relate counselling in my life to know this stuff. This girl is going to run fast and not because she doesn't fancy you or isn't tempted by you, but because of the things I have mentioned earlier. Cut you ties with her.

Also, as with regards to your wife, try to work things out with her since you have been married for some time and if the romance has gone from the relationship, find some ways of re-igniting it. Get couple-counselling if neccessary because sometimes in marriages things go a little stale and the closeness you have drifts apart. Yoy both have to want to make it work otherwise a divorce is the better option. Not the ideal solution if things can be worked out, but well worth a damn good try.

But looking for an affair isn't going to do much for your marriage and your self-esteem and reputation. Be a single man again if you really aren't happy and it's not going to be in your best interests to work this out with your wife. But you need to communicate with her and tell her what the state of affairs are with you and if you want the marriage to work or not. The kids will be affected of course, but you cannot remain in this situation with things the way they are. It is unfair for everyone to remain like this.

Yes, you are human and deserve love and romance as everyone does, but seeking it whilst still married with someone else is really not going to fulfill you long-term and will do a lot more damage later on. Your choice is restricted I know, but the choices you have are endless and either you can try and re-build the love you had with your wife or divorce and then seek another relationship when you have had time to get over the loss.

Many people think that it is so easy to get over a wife or husband they didn't love anyway, but once you do leave, I can tell you, it is not as exciting as it sounds and many go back after they have realized that in fact, they do still love their partners and work things out. You have a guilt-free conscience so far for not pursuing things with this girl, so keep it that way and just be flattered she was flattered by you.

She is an adult at 22, but still young enough to pick and choose as it were and like many young girls of her age, will attract a great deal of male attention and so you will not be the only one waving a signal flag at her. You will find love and romance and so you should do because we are all deserving of it and is what makes life go round for us. But sort resolving the marriage is going to be the only way you are going to find love and romance again, whether you stay and work it out and get close again or divorce.

I am sorry this is so long, but it took this long to make my points clear and exactlet as they should be. Don't tempt anything with this girl - move on either with or without your wife, but end or resolve the marriage first.

Answer 2

You may not be doing wrong by loving her, but I do not think a marriage will last between you two.
You want a honest answer, I am giving you my opinion and it is only an opinion.
I have been there, done that but not with that much of an age difference.
I was once a bartender and a club manager, and I used to see alot of things go on with people that I served, plus ones that I know or knew. Very few of them are together now, because of the age difference. I am not telling you that it will not work out, but majority do not.
Myself I am 58, I have a daughter 38, a son 36 , and I would not even think about someone that young. I may look but that is far as it goes with someone that young.
I wish you the best, but if I was a betting man you will be trying to get back to your wife within 8 years.
Good Luck

Answer 3

Just based on what you wrote, feelings are involved, and it is hard, at least for me, to give you an objective answer on who is right or wrong. Sometimes there is no right or wrong.

Believe me, you are not doing your kids, or yourself, a favor by staying married. I was there in both places. However, it is good to keep a good relationship with your wife for your children. Be a good Dad and (ex-) husband, which is all you need to do to keep the peace in this 'corner'.

Even you are separated, you are still legally married, and in people’s mind. Married is married, separated or not.

I'm a little confused about the fact that you girlfriend cannot fall in love with you, because you are married. Wearing a wedding band doesn’t stop anyone from falling in love with someone else or some else with you. We should know that by now, you hear it daily. You fall in love with a person, because of the person’s character, personality, morals, outlook they have on life, etc.

So, if you not married anymore, she is going to fall in love with you?
I don't think that, that is the true reason, unless I'm reading your story wrong, and I apologize. It is maybe because you guys are working together? She doesn't want to date a 'married' man at work? Too be honest, I don't want that either, I can see that from her perspective.


You are not doing anything wrong loving her, there is no switch we can turn on and off and who we can love or not, but I'm not sure what you or she are expecting from this relationship besides a good friendship.
And I can appreciate a man like you that values a woman's feeling and I know it is tough for you, because you love her so much.
Maybe the first step for you to do, is to disolve your marriage and get that in order (closure) and than focus on your relationship with your girlfriend.

You can email me, if you want to reply.

Answer 4

Get REAL!! You are depriving that young 22 year old of a simple and beautiful young relationship. She does not deserve to have a once married man with an ex- wife and 2 kids that will never be okay with a mom that is closer to their age than yours. Grow up. Be a mature 39 year old and do the right thing. If you don't care for your wife, SHE deserves MORE. Your kids deserve to have an example of a loving and caring marriage that is real. What are you teaching them, by example??? Get a divorce. Get your head on straight and THEN find a loving and mature relationship that your kids can learn from. In that order. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Yes. You are just setting yourself up for a heartbreak. If you are not living with your wife, then why not get a divorce. There's no need to play the part of being a couple if you're not at home anymore. If she really wanted to be with you, she would have brought this point up the day you moved out. I think that you need to take some time for yourself and enjoy being single again. If shes there now, she will be there later. As a friend or lover. Good luck. Asking other peoples opinions are fine, but you might want to ask the person you're in love with.

Answer 6

Your not the first man to have a girl in waiting, even though you are not officially divorced. The short answer is both of you are wrong in carrying on a relationship. I have heard the same old story about a man not loving his wife anymore, but they are just staying together for the kids sake. It's a worn out adage and it's time you leveled with your girlfriend. The reason you don't want a divorce right now is because you do not want to be stuck with paying child support. It makes you sound childish to say your only staying with her for the benefit of the kids.

Answer 7

k, just because there is nothing between your wife, does not give you the right to find someone else... it doesn't say very much about your character to the 22 year old you say you are madly in love with. You made a vow, and that vow doesn't change just because you both or one of you has decided not to teminate the agreement legally. You have children, and you should be thinking of them first before your own needs.
You may be upset with me, but what you are doing is very selfish and unkind to those in your family, and this other person.

You came here to seek validation for your actions, when deep down you already know the answer. I am not comin down on you, and I am not judging you but I have alot of experience in many things, even though you are slightly older.
you have made a good start by living on your own, if it is over between you and your wife, but clearly you need to find peace with yourself and allow yourself some healing time before you jump into something with someone else.
Her age says alot... gosh at 22, she may be mature, but she still has alot of life ahead of her and you know that her wants and needs may not be the same in even two years as they are now.

there are women your age with the same wants and hobbies, and desires as you, you just need to give yourself time. Allow yourself the luxury of time. What is the hurry, sure you both may have similarities, and you may think she is your best friend, but she is only that because you have made her so. Do you have brothers that you spend time with, other friends that are neglected because she's in your life. Your life shouldn't be put on hold and rise and set on someone. She cannot take away your pain or cover it up.
Have you really told yourself why you are not affectionate with her? Perhaps it's because you are scared of another commitment, and leaving things as they are are comfortable, she'll hang on as long as you string her along, as long as the divorce isn't final, you have her where you want her... safe at arms length.
She's challenging your love for her, and once the divorce is finalized anything goes, she could stay or in a few months she may not. But when she does think about it, she's not getting hurt either, she's not setting herself up for a fall because she can't have you in a fully commited relationship. If she is smart she'll do some serious thinking and realize that if you and she ever had a commited relationship how could it work, because who's to say you wouldn't cheat on her as you did your wife? Why is she setting herself up for all the baggage and becomeing a mommy stand in?
You need to think more highly of yourself, by living by integrety and a moral standing you and the potential significant other you eventually find can be proud of.

The worst heartache is when you kid yourself and make wrong choices and never learn from them.

Answer 8

Its not doing your kids any good for you to be married to your wife and not with her...Part of a child's development is observing a healthy parental relationship...I think you should get divorced and then your relationship with the 22 year old unmarried girl can move on to a new level. I don't believe you are doing the no divorce for the kids. If you don't even live together they obviously know you aren't happy!

Answer 9

Sweetheart,,,,,,,,,, Always ,,,,always be true to your heart. Sit down with your wife and discuss divorce so you can move on with your own life. I know you stated that the both of you are still "tied at the knot" for the kids. But the kids will know that you and their mother are still there for them all the time! It is wrong for you to only be half alive/half dead. Show the 22 year old that you truly care by starting to be devoted even though you are with her each night.........start with a divorce. That will show her your true feelings. A lot of married men are tricky and sneaky,,,,,,they love hanky panky on the side and will tell any lie to get it with no plans of leaving the one they originally married. That is why the 22 yr old is skeptical. And i would be also if i were her. Trust me,,,,, start with the heart. Good luck.

Answer 10

Get a divorce. It will not ruin the kids lives. You have already separated emotionally. I think it would be healthier to have your kids see both parents happy. Divorce is a fact of life. Please don't stay together for the kids...you are only hurting them by doing so...and you are missing out on a relationship that will truly make you happy. It would be hard, I know......but come on buddy, you live once. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love? The kids will adjust and they will grow up and have their own lives. You need one as well. Good Luck...be happy

Answer 11

Yes your the one that's wrong cause your still married.If you don't live with your wife,getting a divorce is not going to hurt the kids anymore than they are now since your not there anyway.She's right by not doing anything with you until you free of your wife,and what you have been doing for the last 6 months is still cheating,so grow a backbone and do what's right.