Wonderful marriage for 20yrs, just found out about affair last year?

Question

My wife and I have had a fairytale marriage of adventure, always very close like soulmates with lots of friends and 3 lovely kids now in teens. She turned 40 3yrs ago and wanted her own job and more space outside of being a wife and mum. I encouraged her too and all was fine. Last year my work was very hard and I asked for more support but she didn't know what to do and focused even more on her own life. Last month I find new flirty text messages on her phone and she admits she had an affair last year but didn't give her heart away and is over - she just wants our family life back. But I feel different, everything has changed and it's undermined what was the centre of my life. How can I ever feel the same and want another 20 yrs together? I am expected just to accept this?

Answer 1

It is very difficult to hear that a spouse has had an affair. I know all to well what that feels like. My first husband and I were married 14yrs when I caught him with his current wife while we were still married. I did everything I could to try to forgive him but the resentment and hurt I felt was so overwhelming we ended our marriage. It is hard to earn ones trust back after it has been trampled on. If you truely love your wife and you want your marriage to work then I would suggest you and she sit down and have a very long conversation. Let her know how deeply hurt you feel and that she is going to have to earn your trust again. Maybe speaking to your minister (if you have one) would help. I would suggest marriage counseling but the other party generally feels intimidated by counselors and won't give it 100%.

You don't want to go on feeling this way because ill feelings will lead to divorce. You must sit down with her and really spill your heart to her about how badly you are hurt. She needs to tell you why she had the affair and make sure it is over. You don't want to confront the guy because that will just cause more problems.

I wish you well. Believe me the hurt does go away with forgiveness but you may never forget. Go see your minister and have him counsel both of you.

God bless.

Answer 2

Hey that sucks. Sorry to hear about that. Still, 20 years is a great ride. Maybe too good to give up without at least trying to work through this? "Just accept"? No, probably not. But, people go through life, sometimes not so smoothly. Let's see, you were married when she was 23? Have you checked out 23 year olds recently? They are pretty young. Turning 40 or 50 or 60 can do wierd things to people - sometimes they think they're dying. I had (one and only one) brief affair 12 years ago. It has not been easy working through the consequences, but I am still married with children 12 years later. Most marriges dont last that long. Also, I've been to counseling, and my counselor tells me affairs happen for a reason. It sounds like you want to go on, and it sounds like she does too. In the end, marriage, in my view, is not a promise that you can make once and forget about. It's a process where people decide to go forward every day. Maybe you and your wife should decide to go on for a while longer. What do you have to loose?

Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm really sorry, this must be a very difficult time for you. Only you can decide where you go from here.

You have spent 20 years with your wife, and you have three great kids. It's not an easy decision to make because whatever you decide, it won't just affect you and your wife.

I wouldn't be too quick to "toss in the towel" though. I think a lot depends on your wife and her willingness to do whatever it takes to repair your marriage. Counselling would be a good idea.

I think you'd be surprised at how many marriages have survived an affair. It is possible to rebuild trust, love and respect. It takes time and no one expects you to just forget it happened.

You may not feel the same today, next week or next month. But, it is possible to regain those feelings with time. If this was an isolated incident and not a "pattern", I think everyone deserves a second chance. Ultimately, it's your life and your family. You have my sympathy and prayers.

I hope you and your family will be able to work through this and down the road regain what you have temporarily lost. God bless you all.

Answer 4

Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry you had to be hurt like this. It is hard I know. No, you can't expect to just sit there and accept this. You gave her all of you. You loved and respected her enough to give her your loyalty, your heart and your love. Those are powerful, priceless gifts. She betrayed your love and trust. She pretended that all was well when it was not. She told lies, which is what you have to do to pull something like this off. That was not fair to you. Where is her honor? Her loyalty? Just because it happened a year ago, does not change the betrayal. Give yourself time to work through this. She made this bed and she is going to have to lie in it. However long it takes you, she is just going to have to accept it. How do you know that it was only one betrayal? How do you believe what she says after what she has done? I think you marriage is worth saving. I think you just need the time to forgive her. She is going to have to let you get all the pain and hurt out. She is going to have to give you time. If she is really sorry and really love you, she will not expect you to act like you are not human and that you can just kiss her on her cheek and tell her all is well. Don’t hide your feelings. This could cause resentment to build up and then explode later on. Take the time you need. She owes you that. She needs to answer ALL of your questions honestly. She needs to be an open book. You should be able to read her e-mails, look through her purse and see her cell phone bill. She needs to go where she says she is going and be there when you call. You guys also need a few sessions of family counseling. It will really help you and your wife through this. I wish you health and healing in your marriage. God Bless.

Answer 5

I am so sorry, how awful for you. Could you bring yourself to open up to her and let her really see how you are feeling about this? If you can ask her honestly and openly, why she did this, whether she too felt it was a fairytale marriage, what she felt was lacking that she sought outside the marriage - it may bring her to a realisation of what she has done. I am not sure from your question, whether she truly realises that she has betrayed you and potentially destroyed what you have.

It might be possible for you to overcome this, provided your wife realises what she has done, and is sorry, and wants more than anything to keep you in her life and go some little way at least towards earning your forgiveness. And if may be possible that she will have something to tell you about her feelings prior to the infidelity, that will make you realise she was not as happy as you were and in this way the two of you may find that the next 20 years, although different, can be more beautiful than the last 20 years. I hope you can get through this, but your wife needs to realise that once you have betrayed your husband's trust, it is no easy matter to get it back again.

Answer 6

I don't know why she would disclose that at this point unless she wanted to hurt you. If she is truly remorseful then you can feel justified in forgiving her if you truly still love her and want to continue. Sometimes people do stupid things but generally an affair occurs well after the problems in the marriage began. A man/woman will fool around with another because of how they feel about themselves when they are with the other person. It isn't a justification but just a matter of fact.
You will go thru a grieving process in forgiving her. You will feel much anger and when you do you will have to cast it aside and not dredge up the past. By harping on it ; it will only keep it alive and be a barrier between you. It is possible to move on from this point but it isn't easy and will take much longer to heal than it did for the hurt to occur. The decision to forgive is yours. Noone will blame you if you find you can't live with it. But if you can, you will save your marriage and your family. It is up to you. Can your ego take it?

Answer 7

(Some of these answers are really silly, aren't they. I'll try to give you some things to work on.)

Marriages are made of Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. When the trust goes, the rest does too, doesn't it. Your marriage is salvagable only if she as well wants to save it. And it isn't easy. It will be 2 years minimum before you will trust her again, and be able to rebuild the other three things. And it will only work if the two of you see a counselor for a few sessions, maybe more. Betrayal is the deepest cut of all..... it never seems to stop hurting....and it will always grind on you, sometimes a lot, later it will be less, but it will always be there.... And just a little ping somewhere in your brain will again set off distrust. You bet you feel differently..... that will throw anyone's life absolutely and positively upside down.

Firstly, you have to decide if you are willing to forgive (You can never forget....) You have to decide if you even wish to try...two years is a long time for no guarantee...... Sometimes going your own way for awhile will make an attempted rebuilding more likely.

Answer 8

I am really sorry to hear this.
You have given 20 years of your life to this woman, and if she still loves and is still IN LOVE WITH YOU, then it is worth fighting to get things back to how it was. Maybe your wife thought the grass was greener on the other side and when it turn a different colour she thought of you, and realised that 20 years of marriage is worth holdong on to, but she has broken your wedding vows & your heart. She has seen the hurt it has put on you, you have 3 lovely kids.
Talking is a good medicine, go away together and try to recapture the magic you had and also telling her about the support you have been lacking from her, after all you gave her the support to have her own business.
Also tell her what you want from her, and see if she can meet you half way.
If she is still in love with you, you have nothing to worry about,,,just get your life back on track.

All the best

Answer 9

I think you should understand that this could happen to you. You could fall in love with someone as well.
You are presenting yourself as a model husband but what if tomorrow you meet a girl that looks like your wife 20 years ago and you are in love.
Sometimes feelings are difficult to control... And mistakes are made. Forgive her.
Have a chat with her. Does she deeply regret it? Or does she not care any more.....
What was a centre of your life was an unrealistic expectation, an illusion, a myth that society imposes on us. In reality everything changes and people cheat.. If you can forgive her and maintain your emotional commitment despite her cheating than you are really going to make this into a real thing!
At least try!

Answer 10

your marriage was fairytale for you. The wife has always been unhappy and to ashamed to tell u how she really felt about the marriage. Sometimes the other party in the marriage is nver aware or either in denial about the other spouses unhappiness. I have been married 7 yr and i never would of thought my soulmate would of cheated on me with a chic from florida that he met online. He never has been a happy husband he has always pretended .. Why isn't my husband happy lets just say i don't do the things that pornography chic's do and that florida internet trick did all the sinful sex he wanted.. So I pray that she and u can work it out but i tell uu this your wife has pretentded to be happy for the first yr of marriage and the last 19yrs she's been miserable and couldn't wait to get out.. she wanted out but the guy in the affair dump her when he saw what responsibilites that would come with her as package deal.. He (her lover) didn't want to be no step dad . So he dumped her and she settled back for u because you are the safe guy.. That is how ppl are in relationships.They lie to themselves and make there lifes out to be a fairytale, and is a world were u God gives u free will ppl try so hard to be perfect and devious that they don't mean to hurt ppl but they do and then regret it or know that they other party will forgive them and take them back. Thats why she stayed but believe me she is not happy and she'll cheat again and you will be wondering for the rest of your day when?