Is it out of order for me to ask partner to change job?

Question

I have been with him for 4 years,we have a home and 2 gorgeous girls 2years and 7weeks. Since our new arrival I have been struggling with the kids as he works away mon -fri and really enjoys his job. Although our new baby is an absolute joy she screams all day and most the night. I feel like I have no life outside my kids and want to ask him to find local work but dont know if Im being selfish???

He dont work in a fixed location, goes up and down the country wherever the work is

Answer 1

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I know how hard it can be without a partner around, and when he gets back he might be too tired to help. It is important even for the children to see dad taking over the kids now and again.

I would let him know how i truly feel. If he is willing to change Jobs for a better pay (obviously not a paycut) then why not! If he is unable to, then why not negotiate times for him to take up certain activities, giving you some time.

I have found since having three children, that routine is quite important, it makes organising each day more manageble. It will also help with getting your partner a time slot for a certain activity that you'd want him more involved in.

You have to put your foot down and make time for yourself. If you can get someone to look after the children on those planned days/nights.

Another thing i found is that children love meeting other children, so either visit a playgroup, mother & toddler, through which you could meet other parents, hopefully the children will be exhausted and sleep well at the end of the day.

Answer 2

I have a question for you before I answer yours. How can a child be an "absolute joy" when she screams day and night? I would not call that a joy. She has a problem. An infant should not do that on a daily basis. You need to check that out.

If you have this wonderful life with this man, why are you not married? That bothers me almost as much the constant crying.

Do you work outside the home? I hope not. It doesn't sound as tho you do.
If these children were brought into this world by the two of you, they are half his too. He should be home every night to help out and enjoy his family. You need him and so do the girls. There is no question about it, he does not have a choice.

I would discuss this with him and explain you need him on a daily basis to maintain a family. A family is not when one of the adults is gone five days a week. Don't feel guilty about this. If anyone feels guilty, it should be him.

I would also give him a deadline on this too. If you don't, it is not going to happen.

Answer 3

It wouldn't be selfish to ask, but before you do, consider a few things.

1 - If your new daughter wasn't so demanding, would you feel so overwhelmed by the situation as you do now? The phase she's in won't last long (and yes, you should get that checked out - a baby that age should be doing a lot of sleeping, not perpetually screaming), and if you were content and coped with your partner's work arrangement before the new baby arrived, the chances are you will do so again once she has settled down.

2 - It may not be fashionable in these days of merging parental roles, but it suits some couples to live the way you do. And it's not that rare - members of the armed forces often have to live with protracted separation, and one partner shouldering all the domestic responsibilities, and many like that arrangement and make it work. My brother and his wife did the same as you when their children were young, and although it wasn't easy in lots of ways, there were compensations - the w/ends were romantic and exciting, and they both made efforts to spoil each other because they'd missed each other. My brother chucked himself into looking after the children with real gusto because he'd missed out on seeing them during the week.

3 - After only 7 wks, your own hormones are still probably in a tizz, and that plus the stress of caring more or less alone for a fretful child and active todler may well have caused you to suffer postnatal depression. If so, you need help with that from your doctor and health visitor, as well as understanding from your partner and as much support as you can raise from family and friends. But that again is treatable and will pass, so try (I know it's hard) not to persuade your partner to do something as radical as change his job if you think you may be in the throes of a depressive illness and that is what is making you want him there so desperately now.

4 - BUT.......if deep down the problem is that you really don't like and are unhappy with the work/family balance as it is now, and have felt like that a long time and just been trying to tough it out, it probably is time to have a serious talk with your partner about changing it. Find out, if you haven't already discussed it, how he sees his future career developing - is he planning on still following this work pattern in a year? Five? Ten? If that's not how you want your family life to be long term, if you want a partner who is more hands on involved in the responsibility of running the family day to day, explain that.

This is his family too, and he has responsibilities to you and your children to do what it takes to make it function happily. He might really enjoy his job, but if you seriously hate living this way you are getting squit 'job satisfaction' out of your role (and you are as entitled to enjoy yours as he is his). Just be a mite cautious about pushing you both into (another) major lifestyle upheaval on top of having a baby, when that is such an emotionally volatile and vulnerable time to make big decisions in itself.

Answer 4

Do you know how hard it is to find a job that you love and enjoy not to mention finding a job period? He is doing the best he can for himself and for his family. I don't believe you are being selfish, but what if he couldn't find another job that he does enjoy. The problem with not having a job he enjoys would be he will come home mad and upset resulting in you two fighting all the time.

Answer 5

You are not being selfish but i advice you dont ask your partner to change job cos he might blame you for his misfortuned if anything happen in his other job especially if his curent job is his life long dream.Discuss with him about the need to strike a balnace in his job so that he be arround more often for the baby and for you.Family is most important than all the wealth in the world.

Answer 6

I don't think ur being selfish. He may enjoy his job but surely he loves u and the girls more. Perhaps he could make a compromise take more days off if u can afford it. If it is possible for him to work locally surely thats better or perhaps u guys moving to be closer to him. Its hard work with newborns my little girl was exactly the same.

Answer 7

Maybe give him a choice - either change jobs to be there to help you a bit more or pay for some outside help to give you a break for a few hours a day or a few nights/afternoons a week. The issue isn't his job, it's that you are drowning and need help. There are multiple ways to solve that problem without forcing him to change jobs - and keeps the focus on the real issue.
Good luck!

Answer 8

it won't hurt to ask,but if he's happy with his work why rock the boat.women often feel over burdened when we have most of the kids,most of the time.ask for help at nite,but also these things happen with some babies and although you are stressed,try to find some joy in that little one,today and everyday. If your man is doing a good job at work you do a good job at home.all this is part of marriage and child raising.

Answer 9

If legally those are your hours of custody, you have the applicable to take her. If he would not choose to conform, get a replica of the orders and bypass to the police station. tell them he's meddling with the orders a choose granted. Request that they incorporate you to %. her up. He has to legally enable her bypass. If no longer the police will intrude. do no longer enable this guy bully you around or make you sense that he has the skill of once you will see her. He would not. in easy terms the courts do. sturdy success.

Answer 10

Instead of approaching it as a demand, tell him what it is like for you and see if he comes up with some solutions. Men like to solve problems. He thinks he's doing what he's doing for you and the kids so appreciate him for it and tell him what the new situation is like for you and that you need some solutions. You'll be surprised.