How do I tell my husband to get his stuff together or I am leaving?

Question

My husband is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He is in counceling for severe depression and on meds. His mom thinks he is perfect "just the way he is", but she doesn't know about 75% of the things he has done or is doing. He is looking at porn and WAS looking at kiddie porn. He promised me AND his shrink he would not delete anything in his history if I promised not to put parental controls on his acct. He is deleting his history. Also, to justify his actions, he is going through my e-mail and IM's to see what he could find. I have since changed ALL my passwords. His mom thinks he is "perfect, just the way he is" (her words) and would not understand if I left. He wouldn't tell her the truth anyway. I can't afford to leave right now and have no family in the area. I want to try ONE more time to work it out, but feel like its a waste of time. How do I get him to see that I am VERY unhappy and ready to leave if he doesn't get his life together?

I have nothing in my e-mails or IM's to hide. I don't go into chat rooms, I don't go look for relationships outside of me and him. He just needs to justify the fact that he has given me permission to check his history so he can prove he has nothing to hide. I know he has deleted it because the old stuff I found is deleted. That is the only reason he is going through mine. I have also found, and called him on it, my daughter's MySpace profile, 3 times in one day, in his history, though he claims he has no idea how it got there. He has since deleted it, too.

My daughter lives with her dad so she can stay in her school instead of transferring to a new school here. I don't let her come here when I am at work. I believe he would never try anything on her. He likes the pics too much.....fantasizing.

Answer 1

Well, you can't do anything about his mom. There are mom's out there who think their children do "nothing" wrong. She will never know the whole truth and nothing but the truth, because she wouldn't believe it even if she were told. She is not your worry anyway. Your husband is your worry. I commend him on getting help for alcohol and drug addiction. This IS one thing he has done that will save his life. I'm sure it has been rough for you though as well. I think you just have to tell him straight up that your not happy with the way things are going and if they don't change then you are going to make arrangements to leave. If you don't trust that he is doing what he says he is doing, this is a problem. All you can do is talk to him. Sit him down and tell him that he has to listen, he has to change his behavior or you want out of the marriage. It's enough that you have gone through so much in the past, why have the future bringing even more problems. Open communication is what is needed. If that doesn't change anything, then........... you know what you have to do.

Answer 2

WELL IT TAKES TWO TO TANGLE. The way you have narrated your side of the story it just doesn't make any sense that without any reason he would simply get up say all those mean things which hurts you and then sit down. then again after a couple of days come to you while you are sitting cool and calm and every thing is going on perfect in the house and he would once again start on you and huts you again. A person who while not even earning enough was there for his parents and helped them out in what ever possible way he could just doesn't seem to fit in the kind of picture you have created. But anyhow if for some reason he has been difficult there is always a chance to sit down and talk about your problems. you have to nurture relationships at times you have to overlook a lots of thins Don't mess up your life over petty issues Think now what will you do after he is gone forever. Now a days people don't have much tolerance or patience and these are the 2 keys to keep up with your marriage.Two people with different natures living together will share episodes of disagreement but if you are a wise person you can mold him into something which you want him to be but for that you need a lot of patience and tolerance power. Respect your relations don't abuse them. My genuine advice

Answer 3

You know what If my husband was looking at kiddie porn I'd be out of there so quick, especially when you got kids. How do you know he's not looking at it anymore, you say he's always deleting stuff. I'm sure with all the stuff going on with you guys, he knows you're unhappy. And you've dealt with all of this so far and haven't left, so he probably thinks you won't leave, therefore he'll just do enough to get you to quit nagging at him all of the time. As for your mother in law, she would probably rather see her son as perfect, rather than the way he really is, just because she's his mother. The last thing you want to do is to complain about him to her. She doesn't have to understand your leaving. Think about what you want for your daughter, and you will do the right thing.

Answer 4

Change the locks and boot him out, at least temporarily. Get a restraining order as well. His mom will take him in because 'he's perfect the way he is'. She can decide what parental contols he needs. He'll never get the message. You don't owe his mom any justification. This is between you and him. In the meantime, file for divorce. You are kidding yourself to think that he is going to change for the better. He is an addict and a pervert. Don't let yourself be a victim. I know you can't afford it, but get out of this relationship now before it just gets worse, so you can begin to enjoy a good life. Don't you deserve some happiness?

Answer 5

From the information that you've provided it sounds to me as if he has an addictive personality, between the drugs, alcohol and now porn and kiddie porn to boot. I have to tell you that when I saw the kiddie porn that would've done it for me. Thats a complete and total turn off, messing with children whether its in his fantasies or physically I don't care I would be history. Be careful that you don't fall into the old co-dependant thing. You should contact Alanon the people that help families of addictied people, to detach with love.

Answer 6

Sounds like a pedophile. No cure, I am afraid. Better just get out. He is acting out and is breaking the contract he agreed to with you. If he is looking at your daughter's profile, he is looking at that of other girls. Pack a bag, take your child, get a restraining order on him, whatever you need to do to keep her safe.

Does he have a history of arrest for this? Does he have a case pending? If not, he will one day soon. It is only a matter of time before another girl reports him.

You need to be very firm with him. Go to a coffee shop. Write down what you will say to him. Don't make any threats you are not willing to enforce.

Forget about his mother's opinion. That really does not matter in this case.

Answer 7

You are a good wife and I respect you for wanting to stand by your man. Right about now, your man is showing his ***. It's about time for some tough love. I don't know whether he's still using alcohol or drugs, but he is putting you through unnecessary changes. Tell him that you love him and you have been there for him, but his refusal to take out the negativity in his life lead you to no other choice but to leave. When you say this, keep your word and leave. He hasn't had a serious wake up call yet and your leaving will either be that wake up call or it will get you off a capsizing boat and either of these works in your favor. I pray for you and him.

Answer 8

I don't blame you for being unhappy. He is VERY sick right now. Ask yourself these questions -

Does he have a sponsor? Is he going to meetings? When is the last time he did the steps?

If he lies to you, he lies to his shrink. Whatever financial security you have won't be in place long if he keeps doing what he is doing without paying any consequences.

Stop enabling him and get out. It may be the only way to save his life and yours. Don't play with this drama anymore. He is using you to keep from facing his behavior.

Keep him away from your daughter. This is not a game, honey.

Answer 9

Be open with him, tell him straight up hey wake up and straightn up or my *** is gone. If that dont work leave him.

Now if your only stayin cause you have no family in the area. Make calls explain the situation and get the wheels in motion. Cuase your family will always be there for you. Just some times its hard to ask, but they love u regardless

Answer 10

Sounds like he's not worth your time. You're a WONDERFUL wife to stick through with all of this. If you truely think it's worth it just tell him plain and simple and make sure he understands. Say that he better get his life together or you (and your daughter I assume) WILL leave him. You shouldnt have to go through it if you dont want to. If he gets worse just leave you seem like a strong person and you'll do fine without him tying you down. Now Im not saying he cant improve and that hes not a good person, Im sure he can and he is, Im just saying that its unfair for you. Good luck and Im sorry! Have a great day!