Is it cheating?

Question

Ok. My husband and I are separated. I went over today, we have been talking about reconciling. He told me he hooked up with another girl. He said he thought we were done, and I told him that we are not divorced.
If it isn't cheating, then why does it hurt? I can't even look at him. I am so mad that he would make love to another girl and yet cry for me to come back. What do you think?

Answer 1

That its grounds for forgiveness (you were separated after all, he might have been hurt too and was trying to fill the void). If you truly love each other this could end up strengthening the marriage. But if he seems distant and not willing to put more effort into the marriage...then it may be best to continue on with the divorce.

Answer 2

Why were you separated in the first place? So the two of you have talked about reconciling, but was he there during that conversation? I'm asking becasue dumbass hooks up with someone else thinking the two of you are done. Chances are it wasn't cheating to him, but you see it as cheating because you are looking at this as a marriage capable of being fixed. It's not wrong for you to be mad, but if the two of you aren't on the same page when it comes to this situation, you'll never see eye to eye and it's best for you to walk away.

Answer 3

I think you're too hung up on words in the situation where words have little meaning, and feelings and emotions rule. What difference does this make what a particular action is called? Do you mean that if you call something "cheating" it is automatically hurtful, and if you don't, then - poof - the hurt is gone? Whom are you kidding.

Do I personally think it is "cheating" for a spouse to go out with someone else after separation? No. If the two partners call it quits, both of them should be free to do whatever they want in their personal lives - they had terminated their committment to each other. After the comittment is done away with, divorce becomes just a legal formality, which can take months of years to come to pass.

Does it hurt to find out that your soon-to-be-former-spouse is with someone else? Of course it can. You can't just magically turn off the feelings you've had for your spouse all along. "Getting over" someone can be a long and difficult road.

Answer 4

It is hard to tell as we do not know the details of the separation. We do not know how long you were separated. If it was a short period of time between the separation and the other girl, I would say that at the very least it is inconsiderate of him; and it showed how little he really loved you. If it was a long period of time, then it is somewhat reasonable that he looked for some satisfaction, found out he can only be satisfied with you, and that is why he is asking you back.

In a way you have to respect the fact that he told you about it, it shows that he really wants a new beginning with you, and does not want any problems in the future that may affect your marriage.

Answer 5

Since you two were separated, you were both entitled to conduct yourselves as though you were not married under the law. Simply put, if you tried to claim in a court that he committed adultery because of this, the court would disagree. Unless the two of you agreed before hand that the separation was a trial separation and/or a cooling off period and that divorce was not necessarily in the picture, you both were effectively single during the separation.

It hurts because you were talking about reconciling. Is it also possible you are hurt because you used the threat of divorce in the hopes of rattling his cage, and instead he took you seriously?

Answer 6

The crux of this answer revolves around who's idea the seperation was.
If it was yours, I don't think you have any room to complain.
If it was his, now you know why he wanted out.
If it was mutual and you had an agreement to wait for a bit to see if the feelings were still there then you have some room to be upset.
If he was crying for you to come back I get the feeling that you left and it was your idea. In addition if you continued to resist your return while he was asking I think he had every right to begin to move on and get his sperm count lowered. True you were married but only on paper because you wern't there were you.
I'm not normally a proponent of sex outside of marriage but the reality is, what did you expect?
It sounds like you have reaped what you sowed.
I hope I'm totally wrong ,but I don't think so.

Answer 7

I don't think it is necessarily cheating if the two of you are separated and he honestly saw no hope of you getting back together. I started seeing someone before my divorce was final also, but I knew there was no chance for reconciliation.

Why does it hurt? I think it is because you still have feelings for him and it is difficult to see him going on with his life when perhaps you are ready to do the same thing. That's unfortunate.

But I agree with another lady who has responded to this. If you are feeling hurt and betrayed, what are the odds of your ever really trusting him again? It's time to let him go and move on with your own life. Let go of this relationship and find someone who will treat you better and respect your feelings.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

That is something you have to decide.
Where you able to think about moving on with your life?
Did he think that there was no way that you were getting back together?
I don't agree that it was right however I don't know everything involved either.
How long have you been separated?Why were you separated in the first place.
I have to give him credit he was honest with you.
If he had lied and you found out later then that would be a reason to stay separated.
I know it has to hurt and you feel he jumped out of the circle to fast. This is something you have to come to terms with or move on.
The heart can heal and forgive but can you forget?

Best Wishes

Answer 9

Tough situation. He may just have been seeing what else is out there, especially if he thought you were through. Its obvious he still has feeling for you and does want to try to work it out. While it is hard, you have to decide what you want. It is possible to work things out and have a better relationship than ever, or you could stay separated a bit longer and see things from different perspectives. If it hurt you that he slept with someone else, find out why. Are you just jealous that he had sex with someone else and you didn't, or do you feel betrayed? Either way, you have to decide what you want.

Answer 10

i'm sorry sweetie. i would take some time off from him and not make huge decisions right now that you're still hurting. if someone i love did that to me i would do the same thing to them. if i couldn't i would lie and say i'm sleeping with other men too just to see his reaction. it may not be right but it would make me feel a little better. i think he screwed up BIG TIME and if he did just make a horrible mistake, as we all do in our lives, he needs to like seriously prove his love for you asap. i would call him up and say you're not pissed anymore because you just had sex with some hot guy. then he would feel the same way you do, even if you didn't really cheat on him, but he'll have a taste of his own medicine.