My husband and I fought this morning. Just yelling, about nothing important. He became physical. The was the first time. We have been married for over a year. I hit him more than he hit me and with more force (instinct). Am I an abuser, is he? If it is not something that typically happens, does this mean we can reverse our behaviour or do you think it will only get worse. Neither of us have history of violence and we are in our mid 20's and both have had 5 year long relationships prior to being with eachother.
2006-10-27 07:17:05 · 16 answers · asked by Melissa B 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you were just defending yourself, you are not the abuser. If he raised his hand to you...get out, it will just get worse. I'm sorry means nothing from a violent man.
2006-10-27 08:35:20 · answer #1 · answered by Sunspot Baby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you... why, I was in a similar relationship. I don't know if you have kids, but we do and that really complicated things. The answer is the same though, get counselling immediately. If he will not go, you must leave. This is the start of an abusive, escalating cycle unless it is addressed right away.
There is no excuse for crossing the boundary into physical violence. If he crosses the boundary again, you must leave for your own safety. Once this boundary is crossed, it is easier to do it again.
Good luck! Do not take this incident lightly. Therapy will cost money unless you have a plan with your job(s), however that is a lot less expensive then divorce, and it sounds like you want to be together so it is worth the investment.
2006-10-27 07:26:19 · answer #2 · answered by David M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Arguing is one thing. The two of you could resolve the differences either just the two of you or with counseling, Physical abuse is completely different though since the two of you have lost the self control not to touch each other in a violent way. At the very least, I think that the two of you should separate. Either that or divorce. I'm not sure what your arguments are about, but I don't know of any situation that would warrant a physical attack one day and then the next day the two of you are buddy buddy again. Something else to think about..if the two of you have kids, want kids, or even just hang around his family or yours at thanksgiving and christmas....what would your kids or your relatives think seeing this kind of abuse going on?
2006-10-27 07:53:11 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well interesting question, why did both of you find the need to hit each other, is the question i would ask myself first, what made you both want to hit, is it because you felt you where not be listened to. i have never hit anyone in my adult life, and have wanted to at many times. when the anger is that great i have said enough, and backed off until my anger subsided. you both have been married long enough to know which buttons to push, to bring the anger out. its time you both leaned self control, and agreed as a couple, that you where both wrong in hitting. each other. neither one of you are Lilly white. and to stop the pattern you are building with each other will take the commitment from both that you will no longer speak out in anger. do that and the pattern by both to abuse will stop. otherwise if you don't its only going to get worse. and if it does the marriage is over
2006-10-27 07:57:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are in a mutually abusive relationship as well as emotionally abusive. You need to find out why you both have spun out of control. It doesn't matter what you had PRIOR to each other. What you have NOW is what you need to work on. The first few years of marriage are the toughest adjustment periods.
Learn to walk away when things get rough until you both cool down and then approach things calmly and honestly w/o alot of accusations like"you always or you never". Learn not to bring up the past and harp on it.
2006-10-27 07:38:24 · answer #5 · answered by AVA 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he was just hitting you, I would advise you to leave ASAP. It is never worth it, it never gets better, and as a friend of mine said "He only hit me once a year, but those other 364 days a year were hell because I never knew if today was the day".
But if it was mutual violence, you two might need some couples counseling together or seperately.
2006-10-27 09:12:52 · answer #6 · answered by dani_kin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was just that you were extremely angry and so was he does he abuse you verbally or mentally emotinally? if he does then this will only get worse///if this was the first time for everything the yelling and the hitting then you can work through this just dont let it escalate
2006-10-27 07:50:50 · answer #7 · answered by melanni 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are the most important perosn in the marriage. When and if the marriage becomes abusive, sister that is the time to move on. No one has a right to abuse the other.
2006-10-27 07:51:35 · answer #8 · answered by Trinity 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looks like neither of you know how to commuicate without using your hands. If you want this marriage to last, I suggest getting some marriage counseling and maybe even an anger management course. You don't want your arguements to keep escalating. Get help now!
2006-10-27 07:53:49 · answer #9 · answered by jazz_lover_25 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Counseling 101!
2006-10-27 07:22:43 · answer #10 · answered by Humility 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋