http://home.playdo.com/Crowngirl123
2006-10-27 07:05:56 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Bella♥ 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Please remember I am only 10.
2006-10-27 07:11:22 · update #1
And this is for homework so constructive criticism only if that's ok :)
2006-10-27 07:12:05 · update #2
..while I did like your opening stanza....the cadence was well 'punctuated' and i felt the emotion. I think using names changes the tempo of your piece in a way that distances the reader from connecting to your experience. instead of using personal names you perhaps could have written;
...' I watched as she,
and HER...
then THEY!
ALL....
THEM !!
came and went
in...and out of your LIFE!
what about
...ME?...'
thus, your reader can identify more with your emotion without impersonal names getting in the way, the reader can thus feel a connection to you. Overall Grade: a solid 'B' (only because you are 10)....pretty deep for a ten yr. old....hmmmm.......
2006-10-27 20:09:19 · answer #1 · answered by Pie's_Guy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, it's true that we have read worse. However, it can be much improved. It starts nicely by repeating the same bit in different versions; but then (4th line) it deteriorates by putting together cliche after cliche (meaning, phrases everybody heard a lot of times). Try to think of new ways to explain yourself without reusing old stuff everybody has heard before.
2006-10-27 10:36:05 · answer #2 · answered by Rosina G 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's full of feeling, but it's a tad direct for my liking
I like a poem that you can asses different meanings from by looking at what is written in the form of similes, imagery and metaphors
Also didn't really like the background, very distracting...
2006-10-27 07:09:45 · answer #3 · answered by anto687 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you are 10. The wording in your piece belies it. The work itself is quite strong in the contents but there is a lot to learn about poetry.
2006-10-27 07:31:01 · answer #4 · answered by Mirabo 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's too sappy and it reads more like prose than poetry. Poetry needs to have a rhythm and create a picture. This is just angst-ridden drivel that stems from listening to too much crap pop music.
2006-10-27 07:16:55 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
You sound very lonely and really want this guy...I hope he reads it and finds you. Remember one thing though....in life you don't always get what you want and when you get it you sometimes dont want it so don't yearn too much. You will find someone that loves you soon so don't worry.
2006-10-27 07:11:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honestly? That is not poetry. Just because you write it in your diary does not mean it is poetry. Keep trying though. Poets use a lot of metaphors and symbols, very rarely do they use concrete words and names.
2006-10-27 07:08:33 · answer #7 · answered by J. P 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
it's pretty bad. i don't think 10 year olds should be writing love poems.
2006-10-27 12:56:16 · answer #8 · answered by General P 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Emmmmmmmmmmmmmm , not a lot. I`am sorry
2006-10-27 07:17:42 · answer #9 · answered by wolfe_tone43 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sorry hun, but THATS not a poem, it's a note. not a good one either. try again.
2006-10-27 07:09:21 · answer #10 · answered by !kyradarkmoon! 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋