Does anyone have experience staying with someone they don't love because they think it is best for kids?

Question

I have been dating a wonderful young woman 25 for 1 year, and we fell instantly in love. Never having been a father, I also learned to be an influence on her beautiful 3 year old son. I have been able to offer her affection and happiness that she hasn't had previously, at least that is what she had told me. Lately, she has trouble with the time spent apart from her child when he is with his father, and is considering going back to him to spend more time with her son. He spends about 2 nights on average a week at his home, but the rest of the time at her place. She had lived and been with him off and on for 6 years, and she finally moved out permenantly about 1 year ago. I make a good living, have offered her the chance to stay home throughout the week to maximize the time with her son, but she can't stand being away from him. How successful or damaging can it be to grow up in a household where the mother doesn't love the father, is it best for the kid?

I understand that I may be getting snowed under, but I am going on the assumption that she does feel strongly for me, still does, and always will. I have thought about the fact that maybe this is her way of breaking with me, but the times that we are able to spend together are still wonderful, and I don't think that is the case. She has such strong affection towards her son that she can't seem to be able to spend it apart. I do agree that this can lead to smothering down the road, or placing high expectations on a child to be the focal point or cause of happiness for both of them, but that is only my opinion.

I am just wondering based on others experience if visiting two locations as a child is hindering versus one home that may not come to love the other spouse. He seems to want her back because of jeolousy and convenience with his kid, he has never expressed that he feels he is the best for her needs. She loves her son more than anything, and she will probably always wonder.

Answer 1

I don't have experience with it, but I know it's the worst thing you can do. You have to make your happy and if you're not happy believe me, your children won't be eithter, they can pick up things.

Answer 2

You know, I think it'd OK for a couple to stay together because it is best for the kids. But this situation is different. She's not considering going back because it would be best for the child. As you tell the story, the problem is that she can't stand being away from her child. That's not good for either her or the child. He is old enough to be spending time with Dad and be OK without Mom there. And she needs to have a life of her own.

Yes, visiting two locations can be a problem. My parents divorced when I was a teen and I had a very busy life. Moving back and forth was a problem. The bigger problem was that my parents were too busy fighting with each other to pay any attention to how things were affecting me or to listen to me or care about what was best for me. It didn't matter a bit to me whether they were married or divorced, but it mattered when they expected me to run from here to there every week. For younger kids who are not as busy I think this is OK. And if the paerents are smart you can work out creative solutions.

Answer 3

It will do more damage than good if the parents are together just for the sake of the child. If she can't stand being away from her son, then what is she going to do when he gets older and moves out? It might seem like a long time down the road, but it really isn't when you think about it...she needs the time away from him so that he can grow. He also needs time with his father away from her, all kids do. It would be best for her son if she stays away from the situation with her ex.

Answer 4

I would say that there is more going in mother's emotions regarding baby's father then she is letting on. Often times it is very difficult for a baby mother to let go of a baby father, there is a bond there, however disfunctional.

I think she is using the child being away 2 times per week as an excuse. If you are really serious about her, maybe some counselling for her is in order? I think she really needs to figure what she wants out of life. For instance, what is going on in her head, what feelings does she have to give up on starting new and moving on, to going back? Perhaps she is insecure and needs to work on her self-worth? Perhaps she needs to understand it is important to have a life outside of motherhood and disfunctional family.

You could offer to discuss these things with her, but she is likely better off to see a good counsellor. Keep looking until she finds one she connects with. It is an investment, but will payoff one way or another. You will find out what she 'really' wants. She will be more empowered to make the right choice for her future.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Best for the kid? NO! Way would she think about being with someone who she doesn't love much less want to be with! that doesn't make sense. I can understand the fact that she doesn't want to be away from her child, but to a point she has to learn to let go, she will eventually smother the child! Kids cope with things better than grown-ups do for whatever reason. Is she not happy with you? Is the realationship between the two of you bad that she would think of being with that other person? I think personally that you need to talk to her and see what else if there is anythign else that might want to make her go instead of just the child.
Good Luck!

Answer 6

you know you hear a lot of this!
stay together for the kids! well the kids can heal a lot quicker then adults! and whouldn't just really mess with the mind of the child to know that soon as there were an adult there parents only stay together because of that new adult! I mean how would you feel if on your 19th birthday you found out your parnets only put on a fake show! umm wonder if that kid would turn out fake that they woudln't notice!
my mom raised me with out a day my hole life i don't see the problem! i figure honestly is the best !!!
never went threw a devorse tho i do here they can be bad... i just wish people would think! and not get all caught up in lust or in the moment! good luck

Answer 7

If the parents are nice to each other and work as a team, the kid won't know if they "love" each other or not. I don't think the feelings matter-- it's the behavior. I think she has the right idea. She should go home, and allow the child to grow up with both his parents. Life isn't all about what you "feel"-- it's about making a sacrifice and doing the right thing and living up to your responsibilities when you create babies.

Answer 8

I did this for about 2 years. It was the worst experience of my life and a total waste of 2 years. Things just got worse and worse between my ex and I until I just had to get out! If I had left when my son was 2 years younger it would have been a lot easier I think.

I just wonder if she is telling you the whole truth. I miss my son very much when he is at Dad's, but I know that it is necessary time for them and it is good for my son. Are you sure there isn't more to the story? Maybe she wants her ex back? Maybe he is pressuring her? Maybe she just needs counseling...

Answer 9

my parent split up when i was 5 and I think it was best for me. They fought all the time and I was in the middle. My parent learned to get along, without being together, for me. I went to my fathers on the weekends and my mother during the week. Maybe when I was ten I didn't think it was great but I'm 27 now and I think they made the right choice, and I now have a great relationship with both of my parents.

Answer 10

I am a little confused on how much her son is with you both verses the father.
It seems like the (based on what you said) a different arrangement needs to be worked out with her son ....I mean why would she want to leave an awesome guy like you if it can be worked out? Or maybe I am lacking information.
Are you POSITIVE she doesn't have feelings for him anymore?
I personally am currently leaving a man of 4 years (we are not married) because I had the opportunity to have my daughter come live with us...it is something he was not ready for....we are like best friends....but my daughter comes first.....however IF I were in love with him...and vise versa....I would have fought like "h*** to have them both......gosh I hope this makes sense and helps somehow :(?

Answer 11

I'm no expert, but I don't think it's a good idea. Kids learn many things by watching their parents. If their parents are in love with each other and treat each other with love and respect, that is what they will seek in a romantic relationship. If their parents don't love each other, the kids may grow up not knowing how to love their significant other. You can't just tell kids what love and marriage should be like, you have to show them.