My fiance' has custody of his two kids, a home, a job, three dogs and all the responsiblities for taking care of everyone and everything. He doesn't have much time for me. His kids are always with him (their mother rarely sees them) and he doesn't feel comfortable getting a babysitter. His children constantly interupt us when we are in a private conversation or behind closed doors. They are old enough to fend for themselves, but constantly demand their dad's attention. It's been three weeks now since we have had any time alone (going out to dinner, etc) and I find out that tonight will be no different. The kids mom "still has the flu". Not sure if that's a cop-out or if it's really true. Happens too often. What should I do? Any suggestions?
2006-10-27 05:09:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How do you feel about him? You obviously knew he had kids when he got together and there is no giving kids back they are a lifelong commitment.
Take a step back and look at the situation...is this something you REALLY want to do? Can you see yourself without this guy? My kudos go to the guy...he's being a responsible parent...not something found too often with guys. He sounds like a keeper to me if he is that devoted to his children.
So if you really want to be in this relationship you have to realize that when kids are involved you will always take a backseat. My husband and I had the same issues but with our own child. We have learnt to enjoy the time when the little one is asleep.
If you want to goto dinner or a movie then discuss it with your man, tell him you'd like to have a date night once a month. Find someone trust worthy to watch the kids for a couple of hours so you can have some grown up time. My husband didn't like the idea of a babysitter so to start I had a family friend come over. Our son allready knew her and she is a Grandma herself so I knew there wouldn't be any problems. After that first evening it got easier for both of us to have a grown up dinner away from home.
So be open to your guy and tell him your concerns...after the kids goto bed so you don't get interrupted. Good luck!!
2006-10-27 05:20:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really love him you must realize that it's part of the package. You'l have to decide if he's worth it or not, those types of things are hard to deal with in a marriage. Put locks on the doors and use them!!! You do deserve his time and maybe you guys need to sit down and set up time that is guaranteed for just the two of you and doesn't get interrupted for anything but blood flow! Also understand that he wants to be there for his kids as much as possible and is probably trying to compensate a little for the fact that their mother is not involved like she should be. What are the concerns with getting a babysitter? If it's a trust issue is their a relative who could watch them for a few hours now and then? There are nanny services that do full background checks and very reputable which could also be helpful. Good luck, and try to talk to him more about it and find some compromise.
2006-10-27 12:19:14 · answer #2 · answered by hideemosquito 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The day you decided to become this man's fiance you should've known already the extra package that was coming along. My advice would be to not nag him because he'll feel you're trying to make him choose between his kids and you (which will probably turn ugly) instead of getting upset with the kids treat them as if they were your own and let them know when their dad is in conversation no matter who he's talking to it's impolite to talk over the conversation, set bed times that will give you enough alone times with him if they're old enough to not have early bed times give them a time when they should at least be in their room. Try helping them with their homework early, feed the dogs, basically help your man out so that he won't be doing everything alone.
2006-10-27 12:15:21 · answer #3 · answered by bettyspagettii 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds like...you came after all of this...he had is children first, not saying that you shouldnt be of any importance but you have to realize that if the have a dirt bag mom than all they have is their dad....there are not many men out there who even take responsibility for their children, and i think it is great that he is so involved with them,,,plus you say the kids are always interupting..well ill tell you from experience , when your own mom and dad split up and a new person comes along, you feel threatened by them possibly taking him or her away from them, attenetion or physically wise! but the doesnt justify that fact that you get NO TIME WHATSOEVER with your fiance......you are going to be married to him and it wont get any better unless you bring this all to attention in the write way to him,,,,communication is the key to happiness in a relationship...maybe if you let him know how alone and ignored you feel he will attempt to work on it to his ability.....
2006-10-27 12:16:16 · answer #4 · answered by Life....it blows! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not often that a man takes his obligations very seriously. That speaks well of him already. Tell him you think he is a wonderful guy and that you care about him but you would like some time with him as well. Don't get too demanding cause he doesn't have a lot of free time. Just enough to make him understand he has to work on your relationship as well. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for one night alonge with him.
Just my thoughts.
2006-10-27 12:16:02 · answer #5 · answered by Tony 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him if he has room in his life for you?
If he does not support you or care about how you feel(I hope you discussed this with him already)then I would question his motives...
The children see you as an intruder and will do everything in their power to keep you part.....
If he doesn't support the union and let the kids know when they are crossing the line. you do not have the relationship you thought you did.
Better take a closer look.......
2006-10-27 12:23:47 · answer #6 · answered by doclakewrite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u should try to talk to him about it let him kno how you feel and everything don't hold nothing back but the kids part why don't yall do things togetha like a family regardless if it is your children or not because nobody is just gonna drop there kids to be with a man or woman
2006-10-27 12:13:17 · answer #7 · answered by Antinitra B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well why did you agree to marry him if he doesnt even have time for you. He certainly isnt going to have time for you when your married. Maybe his kids dont want you to have their dad all to yourself. Maybe they feel that your going to get all his attention and they wont get any at all since their mom doesnt spend any time with them. Did you pring up this issue with your fiance. You have to have communication in order for your relationship to work.
2006-10-27 12:12:46 · answer #8 · answered by . 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that you adore the kids but you'd like some alone time together. Soon. If he can't pull it off, he never will. Accept him as he is or move on.
2006-10-27 12:18:15 · answer #9 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His kids are lucky to have a father who would rather spend time with them rather than an adult!
Unfortunately for you, he's too busy to give your relationship much thought or time.
If you can wait it out - stay - if you can't - leave.
Those are your choices.
2006-10-27 12:15:02 · answer #10 · answered by brenny_boo 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋