What the heck happened?

Question

I was married for 9 years and I cannot have kids due to uterine cancer. My husband and I were happy-or so I thought. He works construction and the last job lasted for 7 weeks. He went on the job to make money to pay for land and a new house we had purchased together. We had so many plans and talked every day while he was away and he told me how much he loved me and could not wait to move in our new house. Then 5 days before he came home he started acting funny on the phone and starting fights. He came home and told me he had been dating another woman for 5 weeks while he was away and that she makes him feel alive and passionate. He says that he loves me but is not in love with me but was gonna stay and move into the new house if he had not met her. I do not believe he was not happy or in love cause everything seemed so ideal. What do you think?

Answer 1

Based on what you say he doesnt seem like hes worth fighting for. This may be tough, but let the ba.s.tard go to his hoochie mama.

Answer 2

This is why is tell people to not get married. The marriage may have seemed ok to you, but he is certainly not on the same page. Shame on him though for not communicating to you.

The problem with marriage is that it becomes such a routine. Maybe it's not marriage itself that become routine, but just life itself. Unfortunetly your there with him everyday and you become part of the boring routine.

This he has been seeing is something exciting and new for him. Something that takes him out of his boring life. I'm not saying that you are boring. Your just part of his life and it seems that he isn't happy with his current life and needs a change.

Unfortunetly, marriage forces two people to stay together long after they or one of them have checked out of the relationship. People grow and change all the time and it's just a fact of life.

He is wrong for doing what he did and wrong for not communicating to you that something was wrong with him. But, he is human and we all make mistakes, big and small.

Be thankfull that you don't have children. Now you can move on with your life and start over or just start fresh. I know that is easier said than done, but the reality is that you don't have a choice. He made a decision that effected the both of you. That's another flaw with marriage. One person gets to have the power to effect two lives, whether is positive or negative.

Try not to read too much into it, but I'm sure you will. It's only natural to figure out every little detail. It will bring you pain, but it also may bring you some relief too.

It's time to start making changes in your life to move on.

But, if you really love him and think your marriage is worth saving then try to get the two of you into therapy. Maybe he can come to terms with his problems and realize that your not the cause.

Be strong for your self and what you believe in....Good Luck.

Answer 3

Maybe he didn't feel so good about himself and she made her feel so wanted which made him feel better about himself. Sometimes people need other people to validate how they feel. People do things for a million different reasons. But I think a lot of the reasons that cause infidelity is low self-esteem.

Don't blame yourself whatever you do. You did what you could and as long as you know that you will be fine. You are a great person and you should know that sometimes people make decisions because of their odd thought process, and it has nothing to do with what one person did or didnt do.

Sometimes people seem to be the perfect match for you but people forget that things change after being together for a long time and takes work with anyone. He will learn as time goes by that this may not have been the best decision.

Things always seem better on the other side but its very deceitful.

Answer 4

Your husband was probably happy with you, but he's telling you his true feelings. He loves you, but is not In Love with you anymore. I do admire him for that anyway. I think it was wrong too cheat on you, he should have ended this marriage first if he wanted too go out and play. Don't blame yourself, and don't blame the other woman. Your husband can't help how he feels, and in all honesty, I would be glad it happened now, instead of years down the road. It will be hard too end the marriage, but you will be fine. It just takes time.

Answer 5

I think you had a good marriage, although, at some point he fell out of love but felt you were good enough to stay. He has found someone who adores him, makes him feel great, and the sex has become alive. What was in your marriage that caused him to fall out of love. This did not happen overnight. However, all is not lost, be patient, and do not yell or scream, but reaffirm he is the love of your life. remember why you both fell in love with each other.Do not scream, but be kind, as hard as it may be

Answer 6

I so sympathise with you. I think your husband is making a huge mistake, and that he will realize it later... too late. It's impossible to know what goes on in another person's head, but I can try and make a few guesses.

"In love" vs "love" is known in psychology as "passionate" vs "companionate" love. Passionate love is an intense state of longing for union with another. This is the feeling that most people refer to as being "IN love". As blissfull as it can be - there's strong evidence that it is biologically unsustainable in the long run.

Companionate love, on the other hand, is the affection that we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined. It is achieved only between partners who are able to positively reinforce each other's intimate behaviors. Although most people hope to combine the delights of passionate love with the security of companionate love in a single relationship, actually to do so may be impossible, according to current research.

It seems that many people make the mistake of discarding the feeling of "companionate love" they feel for their spouse as not being "true love" because it doesn't resemble the feeling of "passionate love" they once felt towards one another. But if you think about it - companionate love IS the true love; this is exactly what the long-term attachments are made of. Unfortunately, passionate love often causes people to act blindly; they do usually "wake up" eventually, and realize what a huge blunder they made; but by then it is too late to repair the damage done.

Also, I am sure he feels guilty... And people have a need and an ability to "justify" their acts. Especially when they feel they're in the wrong. So of course he's going to come up with justifications. "I wasn't happy", "I'm not in love" - these are the most common justifications for walking out on the partner out of the blue. To me, this kind of conduct signifies that the person lacks wisdom and self-awareness; he is either not aware of the problem in the first place, preferring to self-delude himself into everything being "just peachy" - and/or he's not wise enough to approach the problem in a constructive manner; instead, he chooses to fix it in the most unconstructive and hurtful way.

I'm very sorry to hear of the situation you're in. Whatever you do - don't go blaming yourself for all of it. Yes, there were probably some things you could have done differently - but bottom line is, we ourselves can do the best we can, but we can never control what the other person's going to do next. I found out the hard way, my husband walked out the same way yours did, a few days after we both went on a trip to meet my parents (they live in a different country). Turned out, he had a woman on the side, and went to live with her. It was the most difficult experience of my life... it suddenly seemed that my whole life was over. All the plans and dreams that we shared were shattered, and there was nothing left. But, little by little, things got better. My friends and family stepped in, and supported me throughout all this. I'm writing this almost six years later; I just got married again last month, to a wonderful person. I can only thank my ex for giving me this opportunity to grow, and to make a better choice. (He apologized to me many times since, admitting he had made a huge mistake, and exercised terrible judgement; his new relationship did not work out that great, either - they are not together anymore.)

I wish you the best; you seem to be a level-headed person who can make sense out of this situation, and take away only the lessons, leaving the worst of it behind eventually. Do not go through it alone - call your friends, family, doctor, therapist - whomever you need to. Good luck.

P.S. Sorry, this came out very long... I hope at least some of it may be helpful.

Answer 7

it is all about him and the other woman, not about you. he has a new toy, and how can we compete with that?if he did come back after awhile would you really want him, knowing he chose her over you? if it had not been her it would have been another because it began as a thought in his mind. had very little to do with you. i would never allow a man to come back if they told me they weren't in love with me. men seem to be blind when another comes into their lives. the poor wife always gets the unfair treatment, and really there is very little we can do, but leave the marriage with dignity and let them go even if it hurts us, even if we think all was well. he chose this road, and all the talk in the world won't convince him to come back. sorry all of your dreams have been taken away, but there is life after divorce, there is someone else for us in our futures, but we have to move on first so we can find it.

Answer 8

No, I don't think he was truly in love with you like he said - and I'm not sure he's in love with this woman either. I think she merely represents a change to him. Temporarily exciting, but probably won't last. Take some time to think and figure out what you want to do. Good luck!!

Answer 9

Oh my gosh! Sounds very very similar to what happened to me!! Married 6 years, beautiful new home, great jobs, great families, friends, etc. and he started acting strangely and one day just said, "I'm not happy anymore. I want something else out of life". We sold the house, we are separated and he lives in a small apartment, by himself and is very miserable. To me it sounds, likean early mid-life crisis!

Be strong, believe in yourself! It's not you, it's him!

I wish you the best of luck!!!!

Answer 10

Am so sorry this happend to you, but 1st and foremost dont blame yourself, he is a jerk, at the time that he felt not inlove with you, he should have told you so that you sit and seek couselling or something, but he cheated and that is no excuse.
You are not to blame , am sure you are a good beautiful strong woman who will heal with time.
He has cursed himself and given you blessings.
What i think: sue his sorry *** for adultery and move on.He dont deserve u.

Answer 11

I think it's lucky you don't have children to consider!!

It's only a house - leave the bum -

He'll be back as soon as the "newness" wears off with the other woman - the grass always looks greener,......!

Hope you don't get "sucked" again by him....Stand your ground