Does anyone have experience staying with someone they don't love because they think it is best for kids?

Question

I have been dating a wonderful young woman 25 for 1 year, and we fell instantly in love. Never having been a father, I also learned to be an influence on her beautiful 3 year old son. I have been able to offer her affection and happiness that she hasn't had previously, at least that is what she had told me. Lately, she has trouble with the time spent apart from her child when he is with his father, and is considering going back to him to spend more time with her son. He spends about 2 nights on average a week at his home, but the rest of the time at her place. She had lived and been with him off and on for 6 years, and she finally moved out permenantly about 1 year ago. I make a good living, have offered her the chance to stay home throughout the week to maximize the time with her son, but she can't stand being away from him. How successful or damaging can it be to grow up in a household where the mother doesn't love the father, is it best for the kid?

I guess from the responses I am getting, I have to get to the root of the problem, whether I am still a viable option. We are still passionate about each other, but she is extremely focused on what is best for her son, and knowing that this is a priority for her I want her to do what is best. But yes, I believe her love for me is honest and sincere, but maybe not enough to overcome the guilt of taking her son away from her father.

He has made no changes in the way that he treats her, though it is not mean or abusive, he is pretty simple and lacks any type of affection, per the history. So this is not likely to change over time, and he wants her back out of jealousy and convenience more so than thinking he can do the most for her. We will see what happens. Thanks for the comments.

Answer 1

NO Take it From Someone Who KNows that it isnt the Best For the Child.. The Child is Fine With Knowing That he Goes and Sees daddy two Days A week. But what Happens if she does Move back in and The Argueing gets bad And The Fighting Gets bad and Later on down the road She Decideds To Move out Again.. The boy will be Older and understand ALOT more.. and in turn Prob blame himself when it isnt his Fault. Tell her to Stay if she is happy. and ask her if she thinks it is the best Choice if YOU get yanked out Of his Life when you have been There For him too.

Answer 2

It's definitely not the best for the child because as the kid gets older they will see how their parents act and how they don't get along and mimick that in their own future relationships. As a child grows if you explain to them that the parents just didn't get along it is a lot better than arguing in front of the child. Also, your life isn't ALL about the child, she may want to be with him all the time- but if she doesn't love this person why would she stay with him? Are you sure she is over the situation? I guess, I would just be careful because if she does go back to him chances are they'll probably get back together! It just sounds like a poor choice on her part and hopefully she's smarter than this!

Answer 3

I would advise her that is does not work. I know what she is going through and it is hear wrenching all the time when your child has to leave to go see the other parent. But as time goes by the pain does go away. She needs to stand up and be strong and realize just be case you can not have your child 24 hours a day is not a reason to go back to the ex over and over again. Is it possible that there are more feelings there for the ex. I would hope you would voice your opinion on this matter and not wait around if she is going to be a yo-yo with her ex until her child turns 18. Good Luck!!

Answer 4

I grew up in an environment where the parents stayed together because of us (3 daughters). We were nervous wrecks and would have much preferred our parents splitting. In hindsight, both had their advantages but staying together was "their" choice.

We benefitted because we were not a separate family unit, as some we knew at school. These kids acted out, schemed to get their parents back together, blamed themselves, pit one against the other and manipulated their way through life.

So, I cannot say that the split has no effect. There is going to be a backlash on the child and his development. It was meant for man and woman to remain together once married. Your really have to know that you have what it takes to make things work before bringing children into the world.

I agree, she should make it work. Both parents have to put their feelings and wants on hold - afterall, the child did not ask to come there. Now that it is here, give it a fighting chance by setting a good example for it. Instill good morals and values by sticking to their promise to love honor and obey, through good times and bad. No one does it anymore, but they really should honor their vows.

I know that is not what you wanted to hear. But children absolutely do fare better with both parents there. In cases where marriages are arranged, eventually you develop feelings for that spouse. In cases where divorce is not an option, people learn to put their feelings on the back burner if they are counter productive. These are the types of sacrifices we were supposed to make to create a viable human being (which is what a child is).

Answer 5

your girlfriend seem to be using her son as an excuse to be with the father.....if the child lives with her and only sees the father for 2 days out of the week....I dont understand what's the problem.....if the parents still together just for the kid it usually much more damaging than being apart. Kids, always know what's going, even if they may not say it or how much the parents try to protect them. You should ask your girlfriend what's the real problem with the child being with their father?

Heads up: Be careful you could be the rebound love even if its after a year...

Answer 6

i would like to tell you that you are a wonderful person also staying with a perosn for the kids is not the greatest i did it for 8 years and i am 25 my ex and i have had many problems and thought we could be together for the 3 childeren we have but enough is enough you will see when there is no love and you will feel alone inside with no touching someone who wants you and it will eventually the kids will see the stress between both in my opinion if you know its over leave but continue in the childs life for the love you and you dont have to lieave out of there life

Answer 7

Its not best for the child. A child needs a loving stable environment to grow and be a healthy n loving adult. Children are much smarter than some adults give them credit for. Babies feel stress in the womb from the mothers stress, of course they can see and feel the stress on the outside. A disfunctional home is not safe for any child.

Answer 8

This actually can be done. Most people do not think so because they can not get beyond making it clear to everyone that this is what they are doing.

My wife has no clue that I am staying because of the kids because I do not project this.

I am doing what is right for the family now because that is my duty. My wife thinks we have a great marraige because I accepted the fact that she no longer has a sex drive.

When the kids are out of the house I will put all of my cards on the table.

Answer 9

It is very important that both the couple stays togeher atleast for kids reason being , kids feel and understand everything and whatever their experiences are in young age , they tend to replicate the same when they grow old .
It is more of a conditioninig for the kids , so make sure that if you can stop all this do it right now.

Answer 10

I stayed with my husband for the kids...left when they were 17 & 19 and it was held against me for living a lie. There is no reason that both parents can't be a part of this childs life while being apart. It just takes effort on the parents part. There seems to be more to her story than she is letting on.