I've been married for 5 years to a man i adored, and still do. The problem is I moved countrys to be with him and discovered last December that he was having not one but several affairs. One with an old girlfriend, one with an old co-worker and two with women we both worked with. In addition he was meeting women he had met on the internet thru a really sleezy sex site he had joined. Everything is out in the open now, and he swears he is very very sorry and that he will never cheat again. I just can't believe he did it in the first place and can't get over the hurt and the shame of it all.
We are trying to make it work, but there isn't a day that dosen't go by when i bring up the past. In my mind if he could cheat right in front of me at work and at every opportunity he could with so many women why should or how can I believe he won't do this again.
2006-10-27 00:13:09 · 23 answers · asked by brokenheart 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
if you feel like you can't trust him then why be with him
2006-10-27 00:28:46 · answer #1 · answered by Ms. Rockstar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Infidelity is always destructive, and often fatal, to a marriage. In your case a systematic infidelity is even more destructive but it is possible to avoid allowing infidelity to bring a marriage to an end, however.
Discovering the betrayal and anticipating the potential loss of the person most important in your life causes great distress. Unlike the trauma of death, which has an end and can be compensated for by positive elements in the relationship, infidelity undermines all that is good in the relationship and the pain seems to have no natural end point. Although not welcomed, death is to be expected at some point in a marriage. Betrayal is not. The victim of betrayal questions if the spouse ever loved them, and if so, what they might have done to lose it. It is as if the adulterous spouse has thrown dirt in the river of their marriage contaminating the water behind them and before them.
To recover from trauma, a victim has a natural tendency to go back to the traumatic experience, questioning, going over details repetitiously: “What did you do? Where? When? How often?” The traumatized spouse must go over the events until the emotional distress caused by them becomes manageable. They must reach a point where they feel there are no more surprises.
Often, the betraying spouse wants to get things over quickly, after admitting to their infidelity. They must develop empathy for what the betrayed spouse is experiencing, and be willing to live with the pain of guilt, until genuine healing can occur. In addition, the betraying spouse may learn something about them self in the questioning process. They may begin to see their own motives, vulnerabilities, and selfishness. If both spouses can tolerate and control the emotions involved, they may come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity occurred, signaling the beginning of a more substantial level of recovery. Recovery usually takes 1 to 3 years.
2006-10-27 09:18:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he cheated once, I would say you could forgive and move on, but as you say, it's been FAR more than once. I don't think you can trust him at this point. I think you need to get your plan ready and leave. Not only because I don't think you can trust him, but also because you can't forgive him. A marriage will never work without forgiveness. And bringing up the affairs all the time will destroy it as well. I'm not saying your wrong in doing so. Your hurting and rightfully so. I'm just saying if the past leads into the furture the marriage will not survive.
2006-10-27 10:18:38 · answer #3 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Faith. You need to have faith, that he won't do it again. The good thing here is that he did come out and tell you the truth. This can be the beginning of a new leaf. I have dated men that I haven't trusted. I'm sure you want to ask him questions at every turn. "Where are you going? Who are you going with? When will you be back? Why were you late? etc." If you truly want to stay with this man and truly believe that you can work through this, have faith that he is not cheating and that he is being truthful to your relationship. Eventually this faith will turn back into trust and possibly forgiveness.
How to forgive. This is hard because I am learning how to do this myself. I'd say: Forgive him because he is/was a jerk. He seems to be taking steps to not being a jerk anymore. Forgiveness is hard. I try to remember the saying "Forgive,but never forget." I hope you can make it work, but I also hope you don't get the wool pulled over your eyes too. Good luck.
2006-10-27 07:37:08 · answer #4 · answered by justme 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Normally, I would say you can get past an affair with a lot of communication between the two of you, hiding nothing and slowly rebuilding the trust. But in this case, this man didn't just have an affair, he's a serial offender. He finds it exciting and seems to need that rush of adrenaline. I don't think you can trust him not to do it again. If you don't want a lifetime of heartache, I would leave now, before it gets any harder.
2006-10-27 07:59:53 · answer #5 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK he said he would not cheat again wrong,he will.Having one or two other pardner will in a relation well it's just cheating,but having several and meet with others to have sex he is addicted, You see he has to get help or he will continue to cheat.For you if you decide to forgive your husband and fight for your marriage,you need to don't let life slip through your fingers by living in the past,Only you know what is best for you.Fight for what's yours,not the physically ,but mentally and spiritually even emotionally fight.
GOOD LUCK
2006-10-27 07:36:17 · answer #6 · answered by leah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Forgiving and forgetting unfaithfulness is a hard thing to do but not impossible. The first step to complete healing and rebuilding your marriage is marriage counseling. I think you both need individual counseling and also couples counseling. He needs to be accountable for his actions. It's ok to be sorry but it doesn't end there.
I would get on the phone ASAP and look for a marriage counselor that will help you forgive and forget and also help him deal with his issues to assure that this does not happen again.
Good luck!
2006-10-27 08:16:58 · answer #7 · answered by jazz_lover_25 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really feel for you. This is a very hard question to answer. It will take a LOT of time to get over those feelings, if ever.
He has to prove to you through his actions that this will never happen again.
I would suggest getting some counciling. Both of you need it, if this is ever going to work out.
2006-10-27 07:22:16 · answer #8 · answered by rustybones 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you can never forgive a person who has cheated on you 5 times, sound like he really does not wants to be married to you no more, i don't wish to be mean. but it is time for you to move on, you can find a better person then the one that you are with, sorry to say that, he has his cake and eating it to. that is not right, you need a man not a boy,
2006-10-27 07:24:09 · answer #9 · answered by dmncprkr 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Like they all said, he will do it again. Maybe you can get over it and understand that the affair has nothing to do with how he feels about you but how he feels about himself. It's just sex, he needs it and lots of it with a variety of women. Maybe you can be happy with him and allow him to endulge in this vice. Is everything else OK? Maybe this one thing isn't as bad as not having him in your life.
2006-10-27 07:20:50 · answer #10 · answered by m-t-nest 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I wouldnt be forgiving him at all.... I would be moving on and in time the pain will pass.
But its up to you. If you can live with it then stay and just try to forget what he did but know that the majority of cheaters continue to cheat especially if they have been forgiven.
2006-10-27 07:17:27 · answer #11 · answered by wickedly_funny66 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋