I need some advice from a gay man. Please tell me what stages did you go through when you were confused and how old were you? I'm only 15 and i want some kids but i can't if i'm gay. I love gay people but i don't want to be one so if i did go gay is there any way i could go back? Please tell me you're my last hope. I'm so sad and i don't want my parents to know if I am gay.
2006-10-26 20:50:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
OK, as others have said, 15 is a time when your hormones go all over the place and a LOT of people (male AND female) go through a stage where they have mixed feelings about their sexuality. Some of course decided the enjoy males and females.
It does depend a bit on how things have been though - if you have have always felt much more interested in lads than girls, then this might not be a phase - in which case you might want to ask more questions on here and do some more thinking. To follow the comments from someone else of "push down the emotions and never look back" tends to mean "have a miserable marriage with both sides regretting they are not with more suitable partners". It really isn't a good plan UNLESS you are ALSO attracted to women - in which case you might make it work. People who "live a lie" are usually not very happy souls.
As you are 15, you have some time (a LOT of time) before you need to be making any hard and fast decisions anyway. See how your thoughts and feelings change over the coming months perhaps. If they start to change to females, you might have you wish granted. If they stay firmly with males, it truly ISN'T the end of the world and does NOT mean you cannot bring up children too.
As for what stages, people find different things. I knew before I was 10 that I "liked the look" of lads rather than girls. I wasn't quite sure why but by the time I was about 12 I knew exactly what I liked the idea of - and what I did not. I experimented with a lad and a lass, found one worked for me, the other was just an "unusual evening". My feelings have never really moved since.
Other people however find thet 12-16 is a time for all sorts of change of feeling, some wait to see what the final outcome is, others experiment a little with friends, others take notice of what they are thinking about when they are alone in bed.....
Some folks however identify as preferring males BUT manage to suppress their feelings - and need to have a failed marriage before finally admitting to themselves they need a man in their life - and not a woman. This ends up hurtng them, their wife - and in some cases, involves children in a divorce as well. Messy.
It is a shame that you feel so sad - these days people have FAR fewer hangups about people's sexuality than before - look at some other posts on here - and whether you are str8, gay or bisexual, there is nothing to stop you enjoying a happy life - other than pretending to be something you are not.
As for wanting kids, irrespective of whether you agree with it or not, gay couples can also adopt children in most Countries these days - AND it has been shown that it has no effect on their childrens sexuality. Children of gay couples grow up into regualr folks just like any other kids too. "Warts n' all" :)
If after you have thought this through some more - and have been honest about it with yourself - and you find you ARE more attracted to males than females, then please be terribly wary of "turning to religion or shrinks" to try and change you - in truth it doesn't work and you end up with some very screwed-up individuals - who if they had just been allowed to lead their own life with someone they wanted to be with - would have been just fine.
As a counsellor, there are many things that can be done with "talk therapy" but trying to make someone who is gay, straight is really not practical. Beware of anyone who tells you otherwise - especially if they want to charge!
As for the parents, they might ask sooner or later if you have a girlfriend - but they do not need to be told anything until you are ready - or they have sussed it out for themselves. I know that for some people telling the partes can be a very difficult ordeal - but again IF you think this might need to be done, then it will time perhaps to either talk to the gay friends you know OR pop another question up on here.
Depending on what country you are, there are plenty of gay/bi youth-groups and support groups around - to help young people come to terms with the sexuality - whatever it might end up being.
I do hope that helps you think about things a little - and that you realise that gay or str8, there is no reason why you cannot enjoy a happy, loving realtionship.
2006-10-28 06:37:32 · answer #1 · answered by Mark T 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi, I'm John. Although I am 44 now I was once you. I started thinking I might be gay about 14. I hated it. I wanted to be "normal" like everybody else. I didn't want to like boys like the other guys liked girls. I wanted to get married and have a family one day too.
I can't tell you if you are gay or not. I think you probably already know. I can tell you if you are gay you were born that way and it is nobody's fault and there is nothing wrong with it.
I didn't tell my parents until I went away to college and met more people like me and could stand on my own. I have friends who were kicked out of their families forever and other ones whose families didn't treat them any differently. I found that preparing for the worst response is best that way anything else is bound to be better.
You are going thru the most difficult age right now if you are gay.
There is no way around it. It just sucks. As you get older and learn to be proud of who you are it gets easier.
There are lots of good things about being different too. I'll be you are really nice and sensitive to other people's feelings.
And I have lots of friends who have found the right partner and are raising children of their own or by adoption.
It is not an easy life to be born gay in a world that hates you without even knowing who you really are inside. But know that God made you just the way he wanted you to be and you are special.
One more thing. If you are experimenting with your feelings always be safe. Try to stick with people your own age. There are those who will take advantage of your confusion. And if it becomes sexual always, always be safe!!!
There are lots of people who try to fight against the way they are born. They usually alway end up unhappy. If you are gay the only choice is to hide in shame or learn to love who you are.
I am sorry that you are so sad. It will get better. Find someone safe to share your secret with whom you trust will accept you until you have more friends and family to support you.
I wish you love and peace while you are struggling.
If you want to talk more you can e-mail me at johnboy483@peoplepc.com
I understand your pain.
john
2006-10-29 21:07:23 · answer #2 · answered by John C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, calm down. Second of all, take this one step at a time. Fifteen is an age when there are a lot of hormones in your body...one minute you feel one way, the next another. Might I suggest that you relax and take it day-by-day? You'll know in time if you're gay and, if you are, hopefully your parents will love you for you. (In that instance, honesty is the best policy in my book.) As for kids, ANYONE can have kids (their own, adoption, etc.) so no worries there. Just wait till you're old enough to be a dad. I bet you'll be a great one if you're already thinking about kids in high school. ;-) Best of luck!
P.S. When you're applying to colleges, look for a "liberal" one...it may give you the environment to explore your feelings and truly be you.
2006-10-27 03:56:13 · answer #3 · answered by WonderingWanderer 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being gay is because of your genes. It is something to celebrate as you are different from the majority of the population. What you are attracted to is something that is biological, not environmental, and can be a wonderful and special thing if you look at it that way. No, unfortunately, you can't change your sexuality like a piece of clothing but you can change your attitude about yourself. Personally, God made me in His image. Perfect, a man. But as a man, as all men, individual and unique. Celebrate yourself and love yourself for who you are. ANY part of yourself that you deny is a lie and obviously a part of you that you are insecure and ashamed about. Being gay doesn't have any thing to do with masculinity or feminity. Native Americans believe that homosexuals are the most divine of their gods and are often the medicine men and shaman (their wisest men) of their tribes. It's because you have been indoctrinated to think of gay people as something bad, or something you don't want to be because all your life have been exposed to being made fun of and called names, and of course, you may not understand it now, but if you keep hearing negative things about that, you naturally don't want to be that. Good luck through all your self discoveries and may you learn to be happy with who you are and love who you may. Lot's of love and positive energy!
2006-10-27 04:05:56 · answer #4 · answered by hawkhunk 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if youre thinking about going gay, than you are probably are already there. Why i know this is because I am not gay, and i never think about going gay. get me. i feel sorry for you man actually, i dont mean to make fun of you or anything. I know God doesn't make mistakes, so if you are gay, then thats what you are, but it all and please your parents and God if you stay celibate and marry just 1 woman. Than everyone would be happy, except maybe you, but youre already unhappy so bno big deal, what do you think? good plan i tell u
2006-10-27 03:57:47 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are only 15, give yourself time to grow and sort out ur emotions, I am afraid its rare to go gay and then turn back straight! If you are really bothered, you should talk to ur mom and let her take you to counselling!You know there are alot of cruel people out there and if they know your problem they will exploit u!
Be careful and trust your mom she is the best person to talk to!Its your life so think abt your decisions!
Love SANAM
2006-10-27 04:13:48 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i think it is just the stage of your development. you are only 15 and you are probably going through puberty, and that can mess up your mind pretty bad. When i was around your age, i thought i was going gay too. It was tatally messed up. Then i grew out of it. Just hang in there. It will be over.
2006-10-27 03:59:12 · answer #7 · answered by Desert Rat 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
WHAT??
Well, when you see Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom, do you feel like your getting a rise (orgasmic contractions)?
OR when you are just around boys in general, does your heart beat fast and hormones rage?
2006-10-27 04:03:17 · answer #8 · answered by What gives? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first of all you cant "go gay" its something you are born second who cares, you are fifteen and you have a lot of life to live when you know you will just know
2006-10-27 03:53:27 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'm sure that if you're gay, that a gay man can help you
2006-10-27 04:31:00 · answer #10 · answered by Its Y 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋