please help me?

Question

I am married to the most wonderful guy in the world, but he has 2 children with his ex-wife and i am having such a bad problem. see I think she still sees them as being married just because they have kids, she calls and asks him stupid questions that don't even concern the kids and i get mad. she stills goes and visits his parents at least twice a week, then its like everything is suppose to go the way she wants it or else. and he always bowels down to want she says. and the bad thing is is she knows this is causing a problem between me and him and thats why she does it.she is very jealous. and i am sick of him giving in to her and she always treating him like he is a 12 year old child, just the way she talks to him and stuff. what am i suppose to do??? please help!!!!

Answer 1

Tell him what your feeling a closed mouth dont get fed honey if you want this to stop talk to him she has a control problem even if he is not with her she thinks she is still #1 and this sucks more for you then him so step up to the plate and spill it thats the only way

Answer 2

I will assume the kids live the mother.

About her visiting his parents: Because the kids are their grandchildren it is difficult to stop that one.

About her control over him: I will guess that he wants to maintain a good relationship with his children, and that is why he is submissive to her. The law typically favors the mother too much in children's custody and visitation cases. She may be the kind of woman that uses the kids as a tool to maintain some form of control.

The fact that she knows that it bothers you, just gives her more fuel. Most women in her position would feel the same about their ex-husband's new wife.

One thing I have learned in life is that you can only control yourself; everything else can only be influenced, but not controlled. So all I can suggest is that you try to calm down as much as possible for your own benefit, and talk to your husband in a rational way so he understands that this is affecting you beyond an acceptable level. More than likely you will not be able to change the ex, but he, as your husband, should try to make an effort and make some changes.

Answer 3

My husband has to deal with my ex because I have a son. We get along but sometimes even though we associate with the ex he doesn't go the way we feel. Remember not only are you into it for your husband but you are in it for the kids. Do what you think is in the best interest of the kids and don't worry about the rest. To stay mad is only hurting the children. Even if you have to bite your tounge as long as the kids are happy and stable it will pay off in the long run!!

Answer 4

Correction: You are married to the other most wonderful guy. I don't you to get into a fight with my wife.
So, you married a baby unable to set boundaries or stand up for hiw woman.
a) This needs marriage counseling. Trust me, most men do not appreciate their wife telling them they are a baby.
b) Boundaries are delicate concepts. You are probably going to have to build them just one block at a time. Explain how much her "honey do" calls upset you. Agree that you answer the phone and screen the reasoning. You'll stoke the fires of hell the first few times you tell her YOUR husband isn't involved in her xxxxy.
c) Start building a relationship w/ in-laws. This may mean sufferinng such has having them over for dinner once a week or so. When they come and bring up the Asp = explain that you are Mr. Wonderful's wife and you prefer not to speak about ASP. You may have to say it two or 55 times. Stick to your guns. Warn your husband so he can mumble his support. Reward him when he omes through.
d) If you are not yet religious, become such. It will help Mr. Won see you are sincere....besides, this needs a good shower of prayer.
God-s Speed The Other Wonderful Wife

Answer 5

I think your husband feels that if he speaks up too much for himself, she will take it out on him through the children. I am sorry to say but she has to stay in touch with his parents because she is their grand children's mother and if I were the children, I would want my grandparents to acknowledge and respect my mother. My brother went through a similar situation with my ex sister in law. She would always use the children against him and say that she would keep him away from him. My brother would always cower down until one day I told him to ignore her and act like he didn't care that he wouldn't see the children without him really saying it to her. When she would not bring them by or have them call, I told him to not call either so if the kids would ask about not going around their father, they would clearly see it was their mother doing. Do you know after that, she never did it again because she seen she could not use it as a weapon against my brother anymore? Just like you said in the beginning, that she knows it upsets you, that is the main reason why she does it. If you take the higher ground, don't let it upset you, and continue to be happy with your marriage, I bet you, she will stop because she would see it is not bothering you anymore. The children will always be there but be secure enough to know that she is on one end of the phone and you are on the other with your husband. You have him and don't be insecure because of one woman's game.

Answer 6

#1 -- get over yourself. His children will ALWAYS come before you, (as they should). His 'giving in' is just a tactic used when dealing with a crazy bit*h that holds your children hostage. There is no way to describe the helpless feeling men have when dealing with an ex and his children. A crazy woman could pack-up the kids and move 2000 miles away at any time and it would take years in court to recover. He is trying (for the sake of his children) to maintain a calm in the storm.
#2 -- If you really love him, you need to help him because he REALLY needs it right now. This situation won't last very long and those children deserve as much stability as possible. Kids grow up very fast and this whole mess will just disolve in time.

Answer 7

Sit down with his x-wife and have a conversation with her regarding her actions and your feelings. See what she has to say. It may be that you are perceiving something that the x-wife has not done or is doing unintentionally. If not, make it apparent that you intend to spend the rest of your life with this man. This will hopefully make her see your commitment to the relationship and, in turn, make her back off some.

Avoid talking to the x-wife about your husband. This will only complicate the conversation and move it away from the points that you are trying to make.

I wish you a long and more enjoyable relationship. Good luck lady.

Answer 8

Wow you do have a problem. I personally could not put up with an ex wife like that, but I can sometimes be childish about my feelings too. I'm not trying to sound negative about the whole thing, but are you sure he is over her? I mean if he does what she wants? I would be very truthful with your husband about the problem and make it really clear how you feel. Who knows maybe he doesn't see it as a problem and once you tell him he will try to work on it with you. My boyfriend tells me sometimes he is totally ignorant at my feelings and unless I share them he has no clue. Good luck :)

Answer 9

Apparently she wore the pants in their relationship. You need to stop worrying about her and talk to him. I know it's hard trying to help your spouse deal with his ex and you probably feel like you are crossing a line, but you are not. Yes he needs to be there for his children, but her welfare is not his problem anymore. Luckily my husband never bowed down to his ex, even when they were married. I don't have to worry about the same things you do. You have to speak up and tell him how you feel. Help him see that this is not normal behavior for a divorced couple. Remember as his wife you are also responsible for looking out for him too. Remind him out that. You are not trying to hurt but help.

Answer 10

This is a big problem & you are not the only one who has to deal with a controling ex. She will never back off so it's up to you to have a heart-to-heart discussion with your husband and rachet up the pressure on him to consider and carefully chose his priorities. One way or another. If he continues to be cowered, consider a joint therapy session so that you can both talk this out with this added support, and to underscore the seriousness of the situation and the fact that it is an unhealthy & destructive dynamic that cannot continue. Good luck.