How do you tell your husband (in a way he'll listen) that you're not happy w/ how he's treating you?

Question

I posted a question a few days ago about struggling w/ feelings for another man. This man makes me feel smart, appreciated, beautiful, and just makes me full of energy. I've never been unfaithful to my husband, but I'm struggling w/ my feelings- I don't want to have feelings for someone else, but my husband is pretty inattentive and selfish. He's not very affectionate, his needs always come first (in many ways), and there are days where I'm just beyond fed up. The most frustrating is that he worries more about himself than me or, more importantly, our daughter. Things are always done on his terms- if he doesn't want to do something, it doesn't get done. When it comes to sex, he's extremely selfish. In the almost 3 years we've been married I've never climaxed during sex because he can't stop worrying about how he feels long enough to see if I'm enjoying myself. I want to work on things- but I don't know where to start. I'd like to get some serious, mature answers from you all. Thanks.

Answer 1

Ask him if you guys can talk about something that's been bothering you and go from there. And if he won't hear it, then suggest someone that can mediate you guys. You would never guess how a 3rd party can get light on a situation, because they can't be biased, but only giving feedback. And just tell him how you really feel and that you want to make it work, and that you basically feel unappreciated. But I don't know if you want to break it off if he doesn't comply or if you're still gonna stay but you just wanted a say in something. The guy sounds like an a**h**e to me. But it's for better or for worse so try to work it out, get marital counseling if you can. And if your differences are irreconcilible, then u know what u gotta do.

Answer 2

Serious and mature? Good luck!
Here's mine hope it makes the grade.

First your husband only treats you the way he does because you have allowed him to treat you this way. You didn't put a stop to it when it started for one reason or another, now you have to hard job of trying to change a situation where your husband is comfortable being, he likes the way things are going.
You must decide if this is the way you wish to keep living or not, you must make your husband understand that the way he has been treating you is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it any longer. You must make him understand that he married you for some reason, and you two, both, must find your way back to that feeling you felt when you married.
But most of all, you must be determined to end the treatment that you are getting, and you must make your husband see that what he is doing is wrong. Ask him if he would really want your daughter to be in a relationship where she is being treated as you are?

Answer 3

First off you need to stop thinking about the other man. It's just going to complicate your thoughts at the problem at hand. Secondly you need to get into some counseling immediatly. You haven't been honest with yourself for three years. Expecially if you can't be honest with your husband. Are you afraid to mention that maybe in bed there are some things that he can do for you to bring you sexual satisfaction. If not there is no communication in your relationship and doomed to failure. You better go ahead and go talk to a professional who can help you figure out a way of dealing with the lack of communication in your marriage. You are headed towards a time when you will feel nothing but anger and resentment towards your selfish husband and as your daughter grows up she is going to see it too and be hurt by it.

Answer 4

I think that it's obvious that you need to work on some things. First, there is NO REASON why you should live a life where you are treated in the manner that you just described. I think that you need to initiate a conversation with your husband and explain things to him from a non arguementative perspective. Tell him how much you love him and how important your marriage is to you, but also how afraid you are that if things continue the way that they are currently you will not be able to stay in the marriage. You might also try writing him a letter (I find that it is easier to stay with your train of thought in a letter than in converstaion), and then sit down and talk AFTER he has read the letter. It might benefit you to go to some counseling. Best of luck, Sweetie...and remember that you are important and that your well being is currently in jeopardy.

Answer 5

Not to make you feel bad but he treats you like this because you let him your De-Selfing yourself you are not making him respect you. I went through the same thing but after four years of marriage my Husban kicked me out last year in Oct. I got back with him 3 months ago but now I'm a strong independent women going to college with a life of my own. At first It seemed like we both grew up but he keeps wanting to go back to the old ways by getting mad if I don't skip class to be with him and now were splitting up again cause he does not like who I've become some one he can't control any way he pleases. Oh yeah I have a 6 yr son & 2 yr daughter. If I can do it you can. About that other guy your not thinking stright don't go for him you'll only get more confsed & hes only using you because your weak right now.

Answer 6

I think a guys POV on this would be helpful, I would tell him you've written something down and you want to share it with him, I would start by changing up what you've written here a bit since you wrote from your heart, start with I feel you are inattentive and selfish not very affectionate, your needs always come first etc. Believe me, sometimes guys just don't even know what there doing till its to late, you still have time to club him over the head, I mean speak from your heart...........good luck.

Answer 7

Using what you've written here; I'd write him a letter (the written word has impact) and also you could SAVE copies of the answers that people send to you from this question, and see how he responds.
And, always have a plan B, if one thing doesn't work, what could be done to handle it anyway.
If you are intending to stick by the marriage; he needs to be told, by you, and find out if he still has a purpose involving your lives together.
Good luck

Answer 8

wow. This sounds like my x marriage. I gave so much to someone who never gave back.....unless it made him look good.

Aflter many years with him I felt like I would die from the lack of touch and intimacy. I wore myself out giving and giving.

The entire family was going crazy becasue of the dysfunctional self centered man. The word is narsistic. And if they are so self centered if they scrafice the family for their own well being. That steps them up to Sociopath.

I understand your attraction to the man at work. He is giving you what you needed from your husband. I would advise that if you feel the need for an affair then it is time to get out of the dysfunctional marriage and become secure in yourself before you start another relationship.
You will be suprised how many wonderful men are out there. Just be sure you are ready to take the steps to clean up things at home before you start playing house elsewhere.

And remember it is better for a kid to be from a broken home than to live in one.

This man at work has set off feelings of what is lacking in your marriage.

I regret that I stayed so many years in my dysfunctional marriage.

I forgot to answer your question of how do you tell your husband. first of all don't tell him about the guy at work. That is personal. You need to be open with him and ask him to listen to you and not argue. Tell him you don't get enough affection, attention, intimacy and so on. Be as specific as you can. Ask for counseling.

The sad thing is these guys usually don't know how to be attentive. My X never learned. He finally admitted to me that the only way he knew how to show his love to me was by buying things for me. I told him that I didn't need any thing buy him. And he just shrugged as if he had no clue of what I was saying. Then he bought a timeshare in Hawaii telling he hoped that would help make me to stay. I started to cry and tell him that he just didn't get it, I wanted him, not a time share in Hawaii. No matter how I tried he just didn't get it. I have no regrets for leaving, I just regret that it took me so long.

Answer 9

i never was in a marriage with this situation but when I was dating I cheated on my boyfriend with another man because this man gave me attention, and I never went back to my boyfriend. Your love for your husband is gone and you need to move on, because I couldn't see myself being unhappy with an unloving man. You can't change him, so you can change the way you react to things, be more outgoing and try to have dates again and go out and have fun instead of worrying about reality, try to be a young couple in love and go out. Your man doesn't want a woman to tell him what to do, so do it yourself if he sees you struggling and he intervenes tell him thank you, if he doesn't he is an a$$

Answer 10

Hope springs eternal. That's what kept me with a guy who was just like that. But, they don't change. Ever. Narcissism is a behavior so deeply engrained that it can never be cured. Seriously.

If you have an opportunity to be with a good man, or even just to get away from chuckles, do it. You won't regret it. Don't waste any more time.