Who can tear my poem apart, intelligently?

Question

Everyone always wants to say something nice, and that is very sweet, but it doesn't help me grow as a writer.

What's wrong with this poem? If you can't think of how to make it better, still tell me...but if you can suggest something better that will fit the meter (it's stretched in a couple places, I know) and the rhyme, all the better!

The Lily of the Mountains

A tragedy written by Ian S. Montgomery
© 2005 Ian S. Montgomery. All rights reserved.


In lands of emerald valleys and cascading crystal fountains,
Up from a meadow carpeted in gold Arnica stands,
--Just as you, lovely blossom, grace the parched Sonoran sands--
Bloomed one lone Mariposa: the Lily of the Mountains.

“What gorgeous fields of wildflowers!” commented passers-by.
With naught but Arnica to fill her humble field of view,
She drooped her pretty petals and lamented, “So, it’s true:
These flowers that surround me are more beautiful than I.

“More beautiful,” she thought, “as far as petals go, means more.”
And so resolved, now taking hold with all her sepals’ strength,
She rent each delicate petal three times along its length,
And sported now a dozen, having turned each one to four.

The Mariposa racked her mind for methods not yet tried.
Beholding pine tree pollen fallen freshly all around,
She slowly bowed, as flowers do, to the dew-dampened ground,
And three days spent thus wilted left her snowy petals dyed.

With twelve thin petals yellowed by the moistened pollen powder,
She popped her pistil forward; her corolla swept behind:
A simple, final step in metamorphosis designed
To make the Lily look like any Arnica about her.

A man with Lupine, Paintbrush, Rose, and Bitterroot in hand
Hiked up, seeking a centerpiece to finish his bouquet.
He grieved, “Here’s not one flower worthy of my fiancée.
Oh, for a Mariposa, loveliest in all the land!”

Although the former Lily heard, she never came to see.
Her petals flushed in anger, and her nectars seethed and boiled:
“The nerve of him, to say such things! And after all I’ve toiled
To make myself the beauty that I’ve always longed to be.”

Answer 1

Intelligently buddy!

You articulate your feelings and expressions really well!

Although! I have to say: you would need to be a thespian to understand it!

i lose you in the middle, but i am captivated by the end!

I'm still not a fan it is a bit long winded... but the point is grasped, i think more often than not, by people with a similar mind or knowledge base!

Life and death, love and sacrifice! blood sweat... or flowers falling! How do you see it? You answered your own question really!

Answer 2

Well, it is a bit wordy, but I enjoyed it. The only thing is, I had to think more what some of the words meant as opposed to the picture you were trying to share, but honestly I can't find better words to describe the parts of the flower, although you might liken them to the physical parts of a woman, that way you can catch the picture and still understand what parts of the flower you meant. But Other then that I wouldn't change it, and honestly it's all about your voice, and the words you pick are your own. Love it in the end either way

Answer 3

I thought it was wonderful. But you kinda skipped after the line about her splitting petals. The next part takes awhile to connect with the petal one.
I'm sorry if I'm way off. I'm only saying this from a reader's point of view. I don't know anything about strict poem structure.

Answer 4

The passers-by is a bit weird. The diction used in the first stanza is used as an antithesis with the last few stanzas so that's good but it sounds a bit amaturish. Poems are not suppose to be so clear-cut.

Answer 5

Honest to how I feel -but you may feel different. And how you feel does count.

My feelings
You show Enthusiasm but I don't feel it. You do show warmth and feeling. I don't find it natural-something seems to be missing (just my view). Your subject is introduced but I don't have feelings for it. I find no value in it. You seem to have conviction for it--but are not passing that to me. The subject is interesting but I am not aroused. You might work on that to reach others if we are to enjoy it too. Your words are soothing and pleasant. Not stiff or unpleasant. Now just makes others more receptive to it and you will do very well.
I don't dislike it--I just want more.
Best Wishes on it.
Again just my opinion--I love poetry. And I hope you add to this--and bring in that spark I find lacking.

And rearrange the first sentence-reminds me of a beer commercial. Just change it a bit--not eliminate. I just listen -I don't write them. You have the hardest part. And I think you can do better. Just my view--take it or leave it.

If you do remake it--I will be anxious to hear it--It has a bit of my attention.

Answer 6

Honestly it's a bit wordy and a bit heavy on the description, but that is the style you seem to be going for. I did really enjoy it though, and thought it was descriptive enough that i could picture what you were drawing me. You have a nice style.

Answer 7

For one thing, it is too damned long. You also try to be too flowery in your word choice rather than use your own voice. It all comes down to using your own voice...that is what makes a successful writer, origionality. All that aside, it was well written and enjoyable, but false.

Answer 8

1. it's too long
2. it's a bit mundane, a girl, flowers, etc...
3. try shorter sentences
4. the rhhyme is so obvious, publishers now prefer subtle rhyming or no rhyming at all
5. don't rhyme see and be, they are used up

Answer 9

You shouldn't be asking us to help better the poem; we should ask you how in the world you came up with that! The imagery was exquisite, the descriptions: fantastic! I absolutely loved it! It really was beautiful!

Answer 10

You're already a genious. Please stop fuc_ki_ng with us.