How do I know? Affair, Grief, midlife crisis...?

Question

marriage advise?
I have been married for 18 years. Most very happy. Three years ago my husbands brother died at age 44. It changed my husband so much. He now has become very distant. He doesn't talk much to me..he buries himself in his computer and t.v. He has no interest in sex. I am not certain it all began with the death of his brother...I am just trying to figure it out. He is changing more and more each day. He stays at work late and won't even call to tell me he is working late. When he arrives in the driveway, he stays in his car talking on his cell phone to his mother. Then he comes in the house and barely says a thing. I have suggested counseling but he says "If you have a problem, see a counselor. But I don't have a problem." I know we can't afford a counselor, but I was willing to try anything that might help.
We have two children and I need to try and help him and our relationship for the sake of the children as well as my sanity. I feel so lonely and unloved.

Answer 1

death can affect people different ways/ call your mother-in-law, if you are good terms with her. ask if she has noticed a change in your husband. after 3 years i would think he would be getting not over it but adjusting to it/ talk to your preacher and see if he has answers. if you try and he doen't want that will be harder for you. prayer can help.

Answer 2

You cannot change your husband. Tell your husband your concerns and feelings without accusing or blaming your husband. If your husband doesn't make an effort to change, then you would have to make a decision if you want to continue the marriage. If you decide to end the marriage shouldn't be to force him to change, but because you aren't getting any satisfaction from the relationship.

It is hard for people to admit they are depressed or even to recognize the symptoms. It is a stigma for many to go to counseling since it makes them seem weak and out of control. Maybe you could get some pamphlets for him to read about the depression or go on the National Institute of Mental Health webite to print information and lay the info a conspicious place.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Answer 3

No matter what answer you get here always remember they are opinions based upon what you say only.

If your husband were grieving for his lost brother and he felt he could confide in you about his feelings with no judgment or advice it is highly unlikely he would shut you out like this.

Something else is going on. If he really is talking to his mother like you say he has shifted his loyalty from you to her. Are you sure it really is his mother? Could it be another woman he is sharing himself with?

The loss of his brother is not at all why he has done this. That should have brought you closer. The loss of a sibling or parent brings, for the first time, the reality of death to us. We always know it is out there but not for a long time. But this points out that even he could die at a young age in a very real and personal way.

What you say about how he changed almost sounds like he holds you responsible for something. That would change him like this.

Your only option is to tell him just how you feel. You feel like you have a husband that has left you but shows up once in awhile.
Until you know what is going on with him this will continue and you will only get more depressed.

Try talking to his mother about this if you can. Maybe she can fill in the blanks. If he tells you he has no problem and thinks the problem is all with you perhaps you should see that counselor. No way to know if it would help but it gives you someone to talk this out with.

Answer 4

No realeasy solution here. It sounds like your husband has withdrawn into himself probably blaming himself for his brothers death or something he wishes he had told him before he died but didnt. For whatever reason, hes avoiding all aspects of reality except those directlt associated with his brother like "their" mother. Since he refusing any type of help, and professional help wont work with those who dont want it, its time for some tough love. Think of doing this for you and the kids. You are going to have to give him an ultimate choice; either seek help because you guys arent going to take this anymore or else you guys are leaving him so he can be alone with his brother. Hopefully itll "shock" him back into reality and make him realize what hes doing to you guys. And make sure you stick to it otherwise itll do no good. Not knowing your repoire with your mother in law, you might want to enlist her help in this. If he doesnt move on to plan B and move on as this current situation isnt helping you or your kids and you dont need to put up with this anymore. Good luck

Answer 5

You guys need to really sit down and talk it out. You shouldn't be here on the computer, you need to talk to him. Tough to do? Maybe when you are lying in bed, maybe leave him a letter on the computer.
Something along the lines, "I love you very much but feel you are so removed from me and family etc etc, If you are not happy we need to resolve this, we both deserve happiness, I know your bro.s death affected you and I am here waiting to talk, I worry when you stay late at work, are you having an affair?, Do you still love me." Get the respect you deserve, sounds like a visit to his family doctor would help him out. Good luck.

Answer 6

Possibly you could go speak with his mother. Tell her that you know he has been speaking with her on the phone quite abit and you are worried about him. Don't ask what they talk about, that is private, but if you relate what you have said here about him and tell her that you love him and don't want to loose him. It sounds like he is going through some kind of depression. Don't push him on the issue because it sounds like he is wound up tight and is avoiding talking to you for a reason, but at least he's talking with his mother.

Answer 7

RE: Do adult adult males return homestead after midlife disaster affairs? Husband dealing with an obvious midlife disaster (31 years of marriage). he's leaving me for his first cousin 2000 miles away. he's "in love" along with her yet "loves" me. Jackass. that's like he's a cult individuals now in his approach ignoring the certainty that no longer one individual is his or her existence thinks...

Answer 8

possibly a mid-life crisis,,or realizing his own mortality?