I've been married for a few years, Been with my wife for over 10 as a couple. She found e-mails and evidence of porn and some kinky stuff I even find gross and don't know why I did it. It never went further than the e-mails and she doesn't believe me, and has every right not to. We're now seperated. We have a young child. I'm very depressed and don't know what to do. I want to works things out, she doesn't. We've never been to a marriage counselor, but feel this would be the best opportunity.
Any help or advice would be extremely helpful.
2006-10-26 11:59:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am going through this right now. I found things that suggest my husband has been unfaithful. It's the hardest thing ever to imagine the what-ifs. Because i dont have hard proof, i decided against a separation or divorce, cuz, god, what if i'm wrong? I believe that the emails and the porn are not that big of deal, upsetting, yes, and definately a behavior i would try to stop. SHes hurt mostly because she discovered a side to you she didnt know existed and it altered the trust level. Now shes being tortured with the unknown. Wondering if you did what she thinks you did, wondering if you're teling the truth. and i can guarentee you, it's killng her inside. If you're innocent, i really feel for you, and i also feel for your wife. i know exactly how she is feeling right now. I suggest marriage counseling ASAP. If she would like to talk to someone who knows what its like and someon who was able to look past it and forgive, you can put her in touch with me. I know what its like to assume your husband has been unfaithful, but because it was only an assumption, with no confesion or hard proof, i had to give my hubby the benifit of the doubt, but this will be the last time he gets that. Since it was the first time, i was not willig to throw away 10 years on an assumption. If i would have had indefinate proof, that would have been an entirely different story. Good luck.
2006-10-26 12:11:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow ! Yes , a very unfortunate situation indeed. And what ( if anything) can you really do to change matters except perhaps , for the most part try leaving it to "time" to eventually smooth things over between you two. As "time" does have a way of healing most things & situations. Also , I do strongly second your opinion regarding a marriage counselor . That too can prove to be very helpful.
However, in the meantime rather than to subcum to a state of constant depression; you should focus more on ways to improve yourself as an individual & husband. Happy & successful relationships have thier certain requirements of the commited couple... and they must be met faithfully . Because, as even I myself had to learn the hard-way (through a personal-experience in my own life); that once having lost the "trust" of a loved-one... it can oftentimes be the hardest thing to ever recover ! But, still that does not make it impossible !! So do keep the faith.
Try winning back her "friendship" first . Then perhaps ,after having achieved that much many more good possibilities might soon follow. You two still remain to share a very important & common -bond ( the child) !
Wishing you all the luck !
2006-10-26 12:34:15 · answer #2 · answered by anthony J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, to tell you the truth, If you inform her she can't e-mail you anymore because you threw the computer out, I bet it would do a world of good. Sometimes these things are more trouble than they are worth. Don't blame the computer for your problems, that my friend is just another lie. If that doesn't work don't bring the computer back in the house. Try a counselor. Just you. If your cheap then start going to church and after a few months ask the Pastor if he can spare a minute. After he hears what you did he will clear his schedule and try to help. He may even contact your soon to be "X" on your behalf.
2006-10-26 12:16:35 · answer #3 · answered by delux_version 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say... But I would do the same if I were her. Some things are acceptable, and some aren't. Things you described would be unacceptable to me... Not porn, but the e-mails. It would be quite irrelevant, actually, whether it did or did not go "further" than the e-mails. E-mails would be quite far enough, thank you.
Sounds like you just have to learn your lessons, and move on. You can't force her to come back, she may very well feel that it is a much better option to start "from scratch" with someone else than to struggle to put the shattered trust together again.
2006-10-26 12:06:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're confused & broken hearted..your wife is probably shocked, insulted, hurt, and angry. When she found out about your activites it was basically a hard blow..the guy she thought she married, (YOU) would have never have even thought of doing these things ...of course she's suspicious...her trust has been demolished by that hard blow...You should seek counseling for yourself first. work through your depression, and a good counselor can identify the issues that caused you to loose your better judgement that may have now cost you your marriage. You need to respect your wifes need to sort through all of this chaos...you behavior has shocked her, hurt her and now she needs to sort through the mess of emotions....you are going to have to accept the seperartion. The best thing for you to do is ask her for time let her know you're in counseling , Say you are sorry for your behavior...not because you got caught but because it hurt your relationship and the curiosity of it wasn't worth the risk. Be sincere. Get treatment for your depression. And pray. Things will work out the way they are suppose to. Maybe not the way you want them to but they will work out the way they are supposed to...best wishes! In the end you made some stupid choices they may wind up costing you your marriage. A hard lesson to learn but you will survive, you owe it to yourself and more importantly your child to straighten up your act.
2006-10-26 12:40:10 · answer #5 · answered by Brains & Beauty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you go get some sexual addiction help and then maybe she will sit down and speak with your Doctor about the problem and through this she may give you another chance. It's hard to throw away 10 years of marriage. She needs to know that there hasn't been anyone else and that it is an illness and whether you will and can be cured. Go see the Doctor first.
2006-10-26 12:07:50 · answer #6 · answered by roncarolhillsstupid 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. its hard especially when children are involved. if you truly want this to work you need to be honest with her and yourself. it may not be a bad idea to go to counseling yourself first. this will show her that you are serious about fixing your marriage. then invite her along so you can both discuss the things you need to and get guidance from a professional. you also need to keep reminding her how much you love her and what the marriage means to you. let her know that you will do whatever it takes to gain her trust back. if she still loves you, she will listen. but help yourself first. keep your head up, never let her see you down. most of all be there for your child. what happened was wrong and you were strong to admit that but ask yourself why this happened. you cant go back to what is behind you,but you can use this lesson to improve your future. two things you need to remember the most... have patience and have faith. if its meant to work it will. best of luck to you. (i would be curious to know how you make out)
2006-10-26 12:17:13 · answer #7 · answered by jessie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I don't blame her for feeling that way as her concerns are valid and even though u didn't go any further...she doesn't know that. At any rate, trust is broken in your marriage and it isn't something that can just be rebuilt overnight. U can't just expect her to turn her feelings on and off like a light switch. It's going to take a long time.
U need to just give her space and let her deal with it on her own terms. At the same time, be prepared for the worst.
2006-10-26 12:05:10 · answer #8 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
she dose not have to work things out that's her choice if it were me i would not believe you. It's nearly impossible to EVER trust a man again once you have evidence he was hiding stuff. It sometimes helps to see a marriage counselor but, if she don't want to that's her choice. My only advice is get your self together figure out what caused you to do whatever it was you did that even you are ashamed of. Try to show her you are getting help. You are not gave forgiveness you earn it!. You can't screw up that bad and just try to force her to forgive. my ex got caught cheating he ACTED like the hurt victim lol. My ex was never honest about his cheating. I'll put MONEY on that you have not told her EVERYTHING!
2006-10-26 12:11:34 · answer #9 · answered by ally'smom 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you are very remorseful for what you have done. The one thing I know is that you can't make someone want to be with you if they don't want to. Forcing the issue only makes things get harder. Let things go, and hopefully before the divorce becomes final, she'll realize that maybe she over reacted and will want to give things another try. If not, own it, face it, and let it go.
2006-10-26 12:29:49 · answer #10 · answered by Special K 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋