My step-daughter and my husband have had a pretty bad relationship since my husband and his ex-wife split up. The daughter has been brainwashed by her mother to hate her dad, my two daughters, and myself. His daughter is 14. My two daughters are 12 & 14. My daughters and I have been nothing but kind and loving to her, as well as his three sons. His boys are 11, 7 & 6. The boys love us all, and we are a family. They are also a family at their mother's house. We have the boys 50% of the time. The daughter lives with her mother full time. The daughter recently told my husband that he has always been a terrible father, and that she never wants to see him again. Yesterday she sent him a text message to say that she heard that his birthday party was fun…too bad she wasn’t invited. He was baffled by that, but told her he was sorry, that he didn’t think she would have wanted to come, and invited her over to celebrate his youngest son’s birthday with us next weekend. She sent him a text back, thanking him for the invitation, but that she would have to pass because my daughters and I would be there. She said that she didn’t respect me, and probably never would. Then, my husband gets a call from his mother AND his sister, within two hours of each other, asking him what’s going on, because she has called them and said my girls and I have been mistreating her, and that all she wants is a relationship with her dad. She said my girls have everything she’s always wanted. We don’t get it, because we have done nothing wrong. We know it, she knows it, and God knows it. What can we do? We all want her to be part of our family, but she will only have a relationship with her dad if we’re not in the picture…which isn’t going to happen. BTW, she signed an affidavit during their divorce, saying that she wanted to live with her mom, and that she didn’t want to have to have any contact with her dad, since she felt uncomfortable at his house. That was BEFORE I even knew him…so how can it be me…or my daughters? Please offer some advice. I am sick about this.
2006-10-26 08:58:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think most teenage girls find it extremely hard when their parents divorce. I know that I gave my mother's husband hell when they I got married. It sounds to me like her mother has had a lot to do with her attitude. At first there was no one to blame but now that you and your girls are in the picture there is absolutely no chance of her parents reconciling, and now YOU are to blame. This is the way she sees it. The best advice I can give is to always treat her with fairness and respect. Eventually she will come around, and even thank you for not giving up on her. I know I did.
2006-10-26 09:04:32 · answer #1 · answered by Aryka S 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately there are very deceitful people out there. I went through the same thing and even with the kids being in there 20's now they still talk behind there dads back saying how bad he was. I know the ex wife is the culprit as when we talked a lot she would say those things to me.
Unfortunately kids can be brainwashed and all we can do now is pray that one day she will come to her senses and realize her dad has always been there.
It is quite hard to go through but hopefully with prayer it won't take too long.
On the sad side they may never get over it as my oldest step is still holding the bad feelings where his younger brother has gotten over it.
Always be kind and caring(I know you are) no matter how mean she can be. It truly is not her fault it is the fault of the mother. Good Luck and God Bless
2006-10-26 16:31:39 · answer #2 · answered by lpdecca 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok, first of all, sorry about your situation. It's tough being involved with an unhappy person. (The ex wife.) My best advice to you is to invite the mother over and the three of you adults need to sit down and force her to act like an adult. NO KIDS AROUND. Get Babysitters. Explain that you and your husband love the children dearly, and that it's not about how bad the old marraige was, or even about the moms feelings or the fathers feelings. This needs to be about the best interest of the children, who are going to grow up and feel bitter because of all of the arguing and negative attitudes that are being displayed here. Close the meeting with a prayer for Gods will in this situation. It's hard, but you need to embrace this bitter woman with all of your heart, and show her that you only want the best for the children. Once you can do that, the rest is in Gods hands. If she is going to be bitter, have the husband get strict visitation in writing through a parenting plan signed by a judge. Then she has no options of being bitter about any meetings with the children, and the kids can have steady time with both families.
Best of luck to you and all of yours!
2006-10-26 16:07:06 · answer #3 · answered by mama 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, you have some wonderful people here try to help you out with this question, and they all have good answers. I don't know what else i can say to add to it, but i do feel for your situation and i too am very sorry that you and you're family have to go thru all this. But, she is a teenager, and she doesn't know what she is doing or why! She thinks she does, OOOHHHH yes, she thinks she does!!!!!!!
I have 1 girl (16)and 3 boys(19,18,13), my husband has one girl(10). As you know girls have a special relationship with moms,and she may be taking on some of the anger that her mom puts out,for all of you. She may also feel that you and the girls are taking up her spot of daddy's girl, and is resenting all of you for that.
My girl will defend me to the death with her fatherand step mom and as i write this they have not talked in 8 months,( her step mom says she is a better mother then i could ever be, because i work all the time and am never there--sorry thats my problem not you'rs) I wish we all would have done something more, when she was younger, but we tried to fix it ourselves and now we are all paying the price. It has ruined her relationship with him and his family and is still reeking havic on our household.
Then is no quick fix answer here, if you really looking for help, i would seek family counceling, NOW!.
Someday, she will grow up and then understand that she made it worse for all of you, but at the cost of what? Her relationship with her dad, unconditional love, a good relationship with sibling -whole and step(someday all they will have is eachother), You're marriage,You're childrens happiness, Many, many lost years, that none of you can get back.
So, i would get help and fast, before the problem gets worse and you all loose. Good luck to you all and God Bless!
2006-10-26 17:23:37 · answer #4 · answered by ashley s 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Blunt. I think the best thing would be for her and her father to get some counseling together. My parents divorced when I was 12 and that was one of the hardest times in my life and I did feel replaced when my dad's girlfriend's daughters got close to him. Your stepdaughter and her father need to spend time alone going to the movies, out to eat...etc. This is important. She needs reassurance from her father that even though there are 3 new females in his life that will never change his love for her and that she will always be his #1 girl. She needs to know this because she is probably feeling insecure about where she stands and the truth is she came first. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job. Don't give up on her. She will grow up one day.
2006-10-26 17:20:36 · answer #5 · answered by annette 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, she is in PAIN. She was old enough to remember the horrors of their parents divorce (the boys won;t remember as they were too young). She feels rejected and replaced.
She is a teenager and dealing with this anger is quite difficult.
Yes, her father hurt her feelings not to invite her to his birthday. That was careless of his part, she is transitioning to be an adult and she would like to be included in adult-like social gatherings. She obviuolsy needs attention and time alone with dad. She is the kid with no dad in her social circle and that hurts, Please understand that she is a child and doens't jkknow how to handle her emotions and anger.
A child from divorce always have a void in their heartm they feel guilty and ashamed and that has nothing to do with you. It;s natural for her to feel resentment towards you and your girls because you have what she wants : a happy family and the attention and love of her dad.
This girls is in serious need of theraphy. She can go with dad together to sort out their issues. Yes, they need time alone to bond because she hasn't have the opportunity to do so, like the boys had. You cannot blame her for choosing her mom! that decision was difficult for her to make at such an early age!
Be compassionate and understanding, ask your husbanmd to spend more time with her and to consider therapy to resolve all of those feelings that are pending.
Good luck
2006-10-26 16:11:14 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
aw girl, its nothing that you and your kids are doing, its just her, she's a little b*tch! lol....sorry didnt mean to laugh, you almost have to laugh in this kind of situation to keep from crying, am i right? You just keep on being the better person, do what you've been doing, she's jelous of you and your kids, but it will all pass one day and she will realize what a wonderful step mom you really are, i promise you she will. Just make sure you include her in all the family things, even if she doesnt want to be there, you can at least say, you offered, that way she want have anything to hold over your head. Good luck, and hang in there, it will all be ok one day when she grows out of it...lord i'd hate to be you right now having to live with that.
2006-10-26 22:36:27 · answer #7 · answered by Lace 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your step daughter, is behaving like this because this is what her mother wants her to do. the relationship between your husband you and his daughter is not going to improve much until she comes to the understanding on her own, just what her mother has been doing all along. i went threw a real bad divorce, and on three different occasion, my x tried to win custody back from me, using our youngest child as a pawn. most people cant understand how a mother could do this. Your husband former wife , must have had a controlling personality, and knew just how to apply it when she needed. as your husband divorced her, she saw her control over all things collapsing. until able to deal with the loss of that, she is unsing her daughter as a tool in a vague attempt to keep control to a degrree over her x and how he does things. the daughter does not see her mother doing this, and believes her mothers lies, because thats all she hears. When your husband tries to explain everything his daughter hears but does not hear. as long as she lives with her mother, your husband and you will not have a good relationship with his daughter because of how her mother is dominatiing her thinking.
2006-10-26 16:37:05 · answer #8 · answered by redsyoungstud 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I had a similar situation with his two daughters. They were 14 & 12 when mom and dad got divorced. Mom filled them full of all kinds of negative stuff. First thing, no matter what, dad or you must never sink to mom's level and talk down about her in front of the girls. Second, dad (and it has to come from him) must sit down with them AND the mom and explain that he loves them but that you are in his life and that won't change, that he wants them to be part of his life, but he will not subject himself or you to their behavior, when they are ready to be part of the family to let him know. Finally, keep showing love and let them know the door is open when they are ready, but don't take the abuse and bad attitudes. It took our girls growing up, getting married and having kids of their own before realizing that relationships are not just one sided. Now we have a great relationship with them (I love them and they love me).
2006-10-26 16:08:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Because she thinks that if she splits the two of you up, then maybe her parents would get back together again. She is being selfish and not thinking about what makes her father happy, she is hurt and upset about the divorce and she is taking it out on daddy cause he is the one who has gotten on with his life. She is of course getting a lot of this from her mother. Be patient, supportive of your husband and help him get through this cause as hard as it is on you, it is harder on his cause it is his daughter, his relatives calling etc. You need to not react to her little jabs, just ignore them and as soon as she isnt getting attention with them, she will stop.
2006-10-26 16:05:08 · answer #10 · answered by brendagho 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋