I was raised in a very Christian home growing up, and have carried a lot of those beliefs with me into my marriage. My father loves, respects and adore's my mom VERY much. My mom loves, respects, and adore's my father as well. They have been married for about 54 yrs now, and are just as happy now as ever before. One thing held true growing up though, that I find myself struggling with. My father was the head of the household, and, basically, when he said a decision was made, it was the decision that was made (unless he conferred with my mom in private later and changed the decision). The problem I am having is that I feel that is the correct way in a marriage, but my wife constantly undermines my authority with the kids, and questions any decision I ever make -- to the extent of causing huge fights in front of the children. Basically, I am curious what other Christians (I am only interested in believers responses) think about the wife's place in a marriage. Am I completely off?
2006-10-26 08:43:34 · 33 answers · asked by Brian D 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thanks for the answers -- I have been married about 5 yrs, and do NOT lord over her (i like that expression). I am not talking about telling her what to do or how to do it, rather I am talking about making family type decisions - like how much to save for college, or what time the kids should be in bed. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for someone to tell me I have the right to "rule over" my wife -- I am merely looking for advice from other believers in how they make their "equal" relationship work according to the Bibles fundamental rules. I do work, and she is finishing up school. We both do dishes, the laundry, clean, etc... It just feels like she wants to maintain all control in the house, and it makes it VERY difficult for me at times because I was raised very different from that. My mom RAN the house, but my Dad owned it (if that makes sense). Thanks for the responses.
2006-10-26 08:56:31 · update #1
I BELIEVE IT COMPLETELY. i am a christian. I believe its kind of like family fued. you all discuss the situation and then the father makes the final decision. You discuss everything first. There is a place for a man and a place for the woman. The virtuous woman sold her wares, kept herself together and took care of her family. The man did his part also. People have the whole marriage thing twisted. Your wife is your equal, yes, but you're wife shouldn't make the final decisions. Woman, per the bible, were fooled once, that's why it is what it is. Women acting like they are the head of the household is ridiculous. If we dont fit in our roles everything becomes crazy.
2006-10-26 08:55:59 · answer #1 · answered by sami 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I agree that the man should be the head of the household. I too was raised where my dad made the rules and major decisions. I can also see where your wife feels the need to add her share to the decisions. Have you spoke with her about this? Does she change what you tell the kids? If so, does she know that she is making them think that it is alright for the children not to do what their father tells them to do. or if they don't like it, then all they have to do is go to mom. She isn't helping them at all. You should never fight infront of them if at all possible. They then know how to use things against each of you and as they get older, they will get wiser too. The two of you need to be a united front when it comes to the kids. If you stick together on things like punishments and rules, then they will learn that what you say goes and there is no argument.
I also don't think you should phrase it as "the wifes place" in the marriage. You are equal, a partnership. Not a boss and a slave......you both need to sit down and talk about this without pointing a finger. In these days, there is so much that your kids can get into, and its getting worse everyday. Stand together as a family. Good Luck !!!! and God Bless !!!
2006-10-26 08:56:43 · answer #2 · answered by lisa46151 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not a Christian myself, but I am close with some Christian families, and my observations seem to indicate that in a truly successful family the decision is made by both husband and wife. Often one person defers to the other; for example, many financial decisions seem to be made by the husband - but social calendar and things related to the kids are more of the wife's expertise. I don't think that fighting in front of the kids is the right thing to do either way; there are ways of discussing things in private that do not necessarily involve neither kids nor fighting. My parents-in-law are very traditional Catholics, but from knowing them for a while, I can see that they have a true partnership that works really well; they have been married for 40 something years and raised three kids. This is the type of mutual compromise and understanding that I strive for in my own marriage, although it is not based on relilgious principles.
2006-10-26 08:59:10 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a very Christian woman that is raising my family in a Christian environment. I was also raised with my father making all of the big decisions. My husband was also raised that way. We have worked very hard to make all of the BIG decisions jointly. If the kids ask us for something they almost always are told to wait until we can discuss it; many times we discuss (I do mean discuss, not fight) the issue with the kids because they are old enough to understand that's how a marriage works.
Religion and changing with the times are independent issues. By discussing decisions we do not change out religion, we only realize that the world is changing. Women of the 50's were glorified maids, women today are the CEO's of Fortune 500 companies!
We make our marriage and family stronger by discussing things! I do feel that to pick a fight in front of the kids isn't helping anyone. If your views are so different than you should discuss things behind closed doors but the two of you need to find a solution that works for your family!
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!
2006-10-26 08:55:48 · answer #4 · answered by michs96 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I believe that the man is the head of the household as well. But I also believe that times have changed and with that the role as a wife has changed as well. Sometimes the decisions my husband may make are not really realistic or not just not the best. I make decisions and we try and discuss it together. I think basically what you may be feeling is if your wife does not agree with your decision and she does this in front of your kids, which may make you upset. The best thing to do is discuss decisions in private if you can, but sometimes you can't. The bottom line is that I am sure your wife feels that you are the head of the household but also you have to realize that times have changed from when your parents were married and there are times that a man but not really be right in his decisions. A woman has a right to voice her opinions too.
2006-10-26 08:51:09 · answer #5 · answered by Marie 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You don't say how long you've been married ...? It does sound like you have some issues that you may want to talk over with your pastor. My chief concern is your fights in front of the kids. That's not good. I agree that you should be the head of the household - but are you leading or lording? Big difference. When our parents grew up the 'normal' woman did stay home, take care of the kids, clean the house, etc. Now we're out there working as hard as you do AND taking care of the house. For some it's not easy to relinquish authority. As I said before, please talk to your minister. At least start there, and go on to some serious counseling if needed. But do stop fighting in front of the kids!
2006-10-26 08:50:25 · answer #6 · answered by susie 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am not a christian sorry, but have to respond. A lot of people grow up in a home like that, and do you and your wife discuss things in private, and feel her out on her opinion and thoughts, marriage is a two way street, give and take. I know, that I was not brought up in a home where the males made the decision and that was final, I was brought up with love and respect for one another, The key words being LOVE and RESPECT. Maybe you should talk to your wife about your situation in a nondemanding way and try to be openminded as to how she was raised as well. We should value those that we love the most.. Best of luck and god bless.
2006-10-26 08:51:15 · answer #7 · answered by sweet 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well, she should NEVER undermine your authority in front of the kids. I do however think that on big decisions it should be a mutual decision (discussed privately between the 2 of you). Unfortunately this may mean compromise is needed on both your parts. In my house if my husband makes a decision with the kids that I think is not the right chose. I support him at the time and then talk to him about it privately later. Marriage is a partnership between the two of you.
2006-10-26 08:50:34 · answer #8 · answered by Suesan W 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is about the two of you communicating. I am married (though soon to be divorced due to his infidelity). My husband and I communicated our expectations and decisions about childrearing, and the household in general. There was no ONE way. His way did not supercede mine, and vice versa. We both compromised, took both sides into account, and either went with the wisest, best decision, or if no decision could be made.......we would take the middle ground.
You and your wife should firstly come to the conclusion that #1 there WILL be no arguing or disagreeing in front of the children. This shows them that there is division, and they can use that to their advantage and manipulate the situation to their favors by going to one of you about something that the other will disagree upon.
#2 if you DO disagree about something, DON'T address it right there in the kids' presence. Discuss the conflict of interests alone, and come to a compromise or come to an agreement THEN go present the answer.
A wife's place is BESIDE her husband as his PARTNER. And in being a partner, all decisions are made TOGETHER.
2006-10-26 09:07:57 · answer #9 · answered by lilac b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When my husband and I met with the minister for premarital counseling (10 years and 2 kids ago), the minister said 'the husband is the head of the household and the wife is to submit herself to her husband.' My husband said, very respectfully, ' no sir, I want a partner who will share in the decisions as we make our life together.' (meanwhile, I was thinking oh no, how am I going to find another minister!) The minister kind of blinked and then asked if we had talked about our marriage and household - how we wanted to raise our children. We answered that we had, and my husband added - 'we'll work it all out together'.
We sometimes do disagree on decisions - money or how to discipline the girls. Sometimes we work it out in private and sometimes we do it in front of them. If they see us fight, they see us make up - actually, not a bad thing for them to know that you can disagree, be wrong sometimes and admit it, make up and still love each other. If a decision is made solo regarding the kids, the other parent tries hard not to undermine. But sometimes there's a lot of 'offline' discussions.
There is no one right way to 'work' a marriage these days. Sounds like you need to farm the kids out to a relative or friend and have a heart to heart with your sweetie about what you both want for your family - and make the decision together about how to negotiate disagreements. Best of luck!
2006-10-26 08:58:18 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋