"Dear John" letters to soldiers (male or female) -- what is your opinion?

Question

Personally, I would never send such a letter b/c I know someone serving in a war would have enough to worry about already. This letter appeared in Dear Abby yesterday (Oct. 25). What is your opinion?

Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren

BREAKUP LETTER TO SOLDIER COULD JEOPARDIZE COMRADES IN ARMS

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the feedback regarding my answer to "Feeling Guilty, Memphis, Tenn." after I urged her to wait until her serviceman fiance returned from Iraq before breaking their engagement. Today I will share more of them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a psychologist and served in Iraq running a combat stress-control clinic. I couldn't agree more with the answer you gave that young woman, and have wished for a forum in which to provide that exact advice.

Many of the soldiers we saw had exactly this problem -- Dear John letters, e-mails or phone conversations. I can't tell you how distracting the information was to them.

In addition to placing their own lives in jeopardy, their inattentiveness jeopardized the lives of soldiers around them.

Ladies (and gentlemen), listen up! Do not communicate this type of information until the soldier returns. It'll be easier to deal with complaints of deceit than with the guilt of possibly having caused physical harm to someone else. In this particular case, ignorance is bliss. -- TOM ANDERSON, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, and every soldier around who was discussing your column, disagreed with your reply. They all said they would rather be given the bad news while deployed. They said they have lots of people around to support them. This will give the soldier time to heal and close a chapter of his life. If she's worried about his reaction, it might be better to send a letter to someone in his chain of command, perhaps with a sealed letter to him to ensure he gets any help he might need. She also needs to do the right thing and return any money or gifts

DEAR ABBY: As a retired Air Force director of safety, I can attest that the probability of an accident or possible suicide among young people increases markedly following a traumatic emotional situation such as divorce, breakup (receipt of a Dear John letter), court-martial, etc. If "Feeling Guilty" values her friend's life at all, she should definitely wait until he has returned. Then she would probably be doing him a favor by breaking up, because she's not in love, she's in "lust." -- ALFRED J. D'AMARIO, LT. COL., USAF (RET.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was a company commander in Vietnam, Dear John letters were my biggest personnel problem. Soldiers in harm's way cling desperately to girlfriends and wives. I had one soldier commit suicide over a Dear John letter. We learned to put soldiers under a suicide watch for a few days after such a letter. Family members and friends who write to "tattle" do the soldier no favor. Let the soldier get home with support from family and friends before dr

dropping the news. Letters and e-mails should be overwhelmingly positive. Our military people deserve that much. -- RON K., ROGERSVILLE, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: I cried when I read your response to "Feeling Guilty." I was a Marine serving in Chu Lai, South Vietnam, in 1965, when a close friend got a "Dear John" from his wife. He died that same night as a result of an "accident" involving a hand grenade. I pray she has the heart to wait until her fiance returns to safe soil. -- ALWAYS A MARINE IN MY HEART, ENGLEWOOD, FLA.

Answer 1

I agree with the majority here - it is best to WAIT. Nothing is worse than having your life in the hands of a buddy who is more concerned about whate he *did wrong* or who is wife is *doing* than you. This kind of distraction is dangerous and can only lead to unfortunate outcomes in a war theater. As for those who say "I can take it, tell me..."... that is pure bravado and chest thumping. I can't count the number of times I've heard that, just to see the opposite.