I asked a question a bit ago, & alot of responses were 2 get out of the marriage. We went 2 marriage counseling & dated 4 a 1yr 1/2 b4 we married. I found writtings he did while we were dating saying how much he missed his x g-friend from 5 yrs ago in college. She didn't support his dreams & wanted him to follow her through life. I support & admire his determination and tell him 2 go 4 everything he dreams of. He never had anything nice 2 say about her until i found this. I was mentioned in them but only once & I was stated as "ok" and" never being able to take her place in his heart. He wrote about her smile,laughter & the dreams he has had about her. I also walked in on him staring at her picture on her website. I love him and left so safe in this relationship but now that i know all of this I can't get over it,counseling has not helped either. Am i childish for feeling so hurt over this?he says he has moved on but I cant help but feel like I will never add up to her.
2006-10-26 07:10:29 · 15 answers · asked by rb 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
So long as he doesn't do anything too stupid, like try to meetup with her, you should be able to see it through. So...
If he is a younger guy, below 25-6, then you can be pretty sure that he will come to his senses at some point and realize that he was seeing more than was really there in this person. If we are talking about an older guy, over 33 or so, that I would be worried.
2006-10-26 07:29:05 · answer #1 · answered by Al 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is a foolish man--because he is expending his energy on something that isn't even "real." He has a romantic idea of her--all that he is holding onto about her seems superficial--like her smile, laughter,etc....The reality is he could not have a life with her---his dreams apparently did not mean much to her. Sometimes, guys are very immature and they remember how the icing tasted--even thoguh the cake was bitter. I suggest you con't with counseling and he needs to grow up. He needs someone to challenge him. Commitment is love. By the way, why do you have to measure up to her---you've already surpassed her in the real test. You are supportive of your husband--so that is the best gift you can give him!
2006-10-26 07:35:49 · answer #2 · answered by hopscothchbunnies 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is married to you. If your marriage was good, and you felt safe, then it really isn't a problem. People have minds, and they may think things that would make our heads spin around........
but guess what? EVERYONE is ENTITLED to their own personal thoughts. You have stumbled on to his writings concerning his personal thoughts.
You mentioned that you were both dating at the time. At that time, he may have been still hurt and grieving over the loss of someone who he may have thought was going to be permanent. For him to have moved on, and married you, that indicates that his thoughts about who was permanent CHANGED. It became YOU.
Bottom line, everyone deserves to have peace of mind and the freedom to think and contemplate things. Things that maybe no one else in the world would understand or support. But it's okay, because it's personal, and liberating. You found something that wasn't intended for you. You felt hurt because you were in his life at that time. But obviously, his love for you, his choice to go on with his life WITH YOU prevailed.
It pricked your insecurity, and probably some low self esteem issues too. If he has gone to counseling, THAT shows effort and the desire and action to make it work. The fact that he married you......HE COMMITTED. The fact that he went to marriage counseling with you (which most men HATE).......HE COMMITTED. He is SHOWING you that you are the one.
He may be your first and only one true love. Well good for you, not all of us are so fortunate. HIM included. Most people fall hard, and deeply in love with someone.........too naive to see that THAT person is NOT very good, and is usually not the best choice to give your love or attention to. Don't take it personally that you weren't his 'true love'. SHE wasn't either, or else it would have been reciprocated, and they'd be together.
You however seem to be the closest thing to it since you both are married. Love is a CHOICE, NOT a 'feeling' or 'affliction'.
HE CHOSE YOU. 'Nuff said.
2006-10-26 07:26:46 · answer #3 · answered by lilac b 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, YOU are not the childish one in this relationship. He is the one who sounds very immature. This is truly ridiculous, if you ask me. If I were in your shoes, I would leave this person. If his idea of "love" is to wallow in the past, and overlook and under-appreciate what he has in his present - he will never be happy with anyone, and you will never be happy with him. It is stubborn, irrational and pathetic to cling to a "love" for someone who was not the right life partner to begin with. Well-adjusted people find the way to move on; he sounds dysfunctional, and will not bring you the happiness you seek. Please, give this relationship a serious consideration. You are right in feeling that things are not the way they should be. It seems unlikely to me that he had snapped out of his dysfunctional mode, and there's nothing YOU can say or do to change the way his mind works. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like he has a lot of growing up to do, and if you decide to stick around, you're in for a long haul.
2006-10-26 07:26:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a hard one, but the answer isn't cut n dry. He hasnt moved on if there has been letters, and the picture staring definately confirms that. Is knowing that he loves you, but still has a fire in his heart burning for someone else? I couldn't deal with that... The girl has been gone for 5 years and he still harps over her??? Thats a long time honey. All I know is that I want to be the only apple in my hubby's eye and if it isn't that way, then he knows I'll gouge them out... Just kidding there, but think about it, and then make your decision... Best of luck...
2006-10-26 07:21:50 · answer #5 · answered by NestleGirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may have written this long ago, when she was still fresh in his mind and his feelings for you had not had much time to grow. I have slowly grown into love with my partner and that love feels much more deeply "rooted" now than when we were first together. At that time I was really not sure whether we would last, in fact I was fairly sure he would dump me within a few weeks, but he didn't. I've grown to know him and love him: maybe your husband feels like that with you. It certainly sounds as if you are more likely to be "his true love" than she is = you seem to have given a lot of love and support. Believe your husband - what he felt then may not be what he feels now.
2006-10-26 07:22:11 · answer #6 · answered by Specsy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best thing you can do is live together as friends, that is if you still are friends. Just live together as friends, even have separate bedrooms! I've heard it's worked for many people. Having your own space is a big part of keeping a marriage alive! Good luck to you.
2006-10-26 07:32:45 · answer #7 · answered by DustInCarroll 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only you can answer these questions, but you have to be willing to look at the truth and be honest with yourself. You have to be willing to see the truth in him and the situation. If you guys are in counseling and that isn't resolving issues, that might be part of your answer.
Good luck and be true to you first.
2006-10-26 07:44:35 · answer #8 · answered by fedupwithu 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is it really worth it to spend the rest of your life knowing that you are not #1? Be fair to yourself first because if you are not truly happy you will be doing no good for anyone.
2006-10-26 07:15:13 · answer #9 · answered by Sweetteach 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please you need to talk to him again, Tell him, you just think you will never measure up to his old girlfriend, in his eyes. And you want him to be honest with you, about how he feels about you, because it is bothering you so much, that it is interfering in your relationship, say I just want you to reassure me that we have a solid marriage! Your husband is the only one who can tell you, and then you can move on with your life!
2006-10-26 07:19:18 · answer #10 · answered by roseannetb@verizon.net 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋