How to say no & make a point?

Question

My husband, my children & I are invited to his parent's house this Sat. for his brother's birthday party. I don't really want to go. They have been laying on the guilt trip pretty thick. My husband's brother is not a nice person; yet his parents always seem to justify his bad behaviors. I was raped by his brother several years ago and confronted him just this year. I have really hardly seen or spoken to him since. I don't understand and it upsets me a great deal because in my inlaws eyes he can do no wrong & they reward him; and they do not treat my husband very well. My husband is lucky if they acknowledge his birthday, let alone have a huge b-day bash. My husband accepts it and knows they won't change. It just makes me angry. I really want to just move far away and not deal with any of them, but that's not very realistic. What could be said or done? How could I get my point accross and get them to see what they are doing? Help

Answer 1

An honest answer? You can't make your in-laws "see" what they are doing because they are in denial. They probably believe they're somewhat responsible for the way their son (your brother in-law) has turned out and are still trying to "make up" for it. I have a friend who similarly had his sibling favored and catered to by his parents while he and his family have been ignored.

Yes, your angry about their bias. It is unjust, unfair and frustrating that they aren't more level-headed. The truth is, is that although they are parents, and supposedly older and wiser, they are still human and flawed. My guess is that your anger stems from the fact that you'd prefer that they acknowledge their flaws and make things "right." But honestly, you can't expect that. So while it's unfortunate that your husband's family is dysfunctional and he was born into it, YOU were not born in the family. You married your husband, not his family.

So, stand your ground. You have your own physical and emtional safety to consider around someone who would rape a woman. Your husband also needs to stand up and voice his objections to being present around his brother and having him near you. If he doesn't have a problem with being with his family, then let him go to the birthday party but you have every right to stay home (or use the time for something else).

If you haven't already told his parents why you object to being in his presence, and for whatever reasons don't want to give them the truth, then gather your strength and tell his parents straight forwardly that you do not feel safe and have personal reasons for not being in his presence. Whatever you do, don't go on about how they favor him and not your husband, etc. Sometimes life is like that and you can't change that.

Rather than have them host a big birthday bash, you can do it yourselves. Invite those members of the family YOU (both) want to have present. Don't worry about hurt feelings by omitting anyone. If his parents don't want to be there, then accept that this is their choice. Realize that you are NOT missing out on a relationship with them. It's like going back again and again to an abuser. The relationship is not one that you want to have! Instead, surround yourself with supportive friendships and/or your own family.

Most importantly, if you haven't and won't press rape charges against his brother, then you must learn to let go of your wishes for a relationship with the rest of your husband's family. Maybe you have hoped for a "normal" situation where everyone gets along with their in-laws. Take time to understand why it is important to you. Then find out if you can let it go of the expectations. Don't make their dysfunction become yours by holding onto anger and frustration. Hope, and pray if you want, that they may someday see the truth but in the meatime, know that YOU know the truth.

Good luck!

Answer 2

This is really a sticker of a situation. I don't want you to take any of this harshly, but I don't know how else to say it. So here goes.

You made the statement that your husbands brother raped you several years ago, and you just confronted him this year about it. Bad, very bad choices here. I agree with you confronting him. However, you should have done that several years back when he hurt and assulted you. You should have pressed charges against him no matter if you were dating/married to his brother. This is something you should have done. I imagine that this year when you confronted him, he basically laughed in your face. I see that, because you waited so long, there is nothing you can do to him now. And it is unlikely that your husbands family is going to believe you or does believe you, because when it happen is when you should have spoken up and said something, done something about it.

As far as you and your family going to your brother-in-laws b-day party that his parents are throwing, you do not have to go. You are your own person, and yes they are YOUR family now to, BUT, you do not have to go and be where you are uncomfortable and don't want to be. Your husband can be polite and say you are feeling ill, if he goes.

As far as you getting them to see what they are doing (the parents that is), there is nothing you can do. People see what they want, and people deal with things in their own way, wether it be good or bad. This is their son. They will protect him, stand by him, and love him always. You may have had a chance to open some eyes to them about their son several years ago when he raped you, but you never did anything by the sounds of your post and now it is too late. I am sorry, but it is.

Personally, for you to marry into this family after being raped by the brother is most amazing to me. Perhaps you were already married at that point, I don't know, but even so, the fact that you stayed......... is still amazing to me. I wish there was something you could do, but the only thing I can see that you can do, is avoid and stay away from your husbands family and brother, and do not participate in anything his family does. YOU do have that right. Blessed be............................

Answer 3

Good grief. I don't know how you hold things together after that rape. You're strong and I admire you but the anger you feel as a result of this injustice can't be kept inside forever. Ask yourself does your family need a relationship with these in-laws? I think the answer is no and why not just be bold and refuse to come to the party because you have issues with this brother in law. If anyone questions you, tell them to ask the brother in law about it. I think you really need to tell your husband too because if he's any kind of a real man he'll want to protect you from this hurt and make YOU the focus of his family.

Answer 4

Do what I did. here is the situation. I invited several friends over one night, and my best friend had said she would be there. It was my 20th weeding anniv., and it meant a lot for my best friend to come. I arranged the party a month in advance and had her assurance she would be there. For three hours I looked for her, and finally I called her home to see if I could get her mom on the phone and SHE answered! I got told that she had other plans, etc, and that she *THOUGHT* she had called to tell me, and I got a nice card in the mail from here, marked 1 WEEK before my event! I was so pissed, but did not say a *WORD* to her except oh yeah I guess I forgot. two weeks later I get a call inviting me to her birthday, and said oh yeah I cannot WAIT to be there! I did not show up, and when she called that day, a few hours into her party, I did not even answer the phone. SHE NEVER CALLED AGAIN and I think she got the point...

Answer 5

I think you need to establish a few things before you can help yourself.

Firstly, does everyone (your husband and his parents) know about what your brother-in-law did? If they don't then perhaps you should tell them? Think this through carefully because you need to prepare yourself to respond to whatever reactions they might have.

If they all know about it and still continue to exhalt your brother-in-law, then there's little else you can do.

You are, after all, married to his brother, and if your husband will kowtow to his parents just because they are his parents, then perhaps you should explain to him that if that is his wish, he may do so, but being married to him doesn't mean that you're obliged to do the same.

In otherwords, if your husband wishes to go to the party, let him. But make it clear to him that you won't and that you have a right to choose to not go.

Please understand that it probably wouldn't make you feel much better to do this because in the back of your mind you will know what is going on and if your husband chooses to go without you, you will feel like he does not support you.

I'm afraid that no matter what happens, you should not force your husband to not go to the party on your account. It is a choice that he should be allowed to make of his own free will.

If you expect him to respect your decision to not go to the party. so must you respect his decision to go. And while it may seem romantic to expect your husband to support you because you were so grieviously wronged in the past, you cannot possibly do so because things may have transpired in the past that makes your husband feel that he owes his parents more respect than you can handle.

To be honest, I don't think it would be worth your while to make a scene or seek a confrontation. If your husband's parents show him so little regard, they will think even less of you (I'm sorry to say). What's important is that your husband understands your choice and supports it, and please try not to make a dramatic scene out of it. Explain it to him clearly and calmly, and ask him to please respect your wish, period. Make it clear that this is not negotiable, unless of course it is.

Please also try to stay away from emotional blackmail. It can be very unhealthy for a relationship.

And finally, if your husband insists on going to the party, you may want to try and understand why he feels the need to go.

The key here is to achieve a mature understanding between your husband and yourself. If you can't achieve this, then it will be difficult for both of you to grow.

Answer 6

If your in-laws know what happened, they should NEVER invite you to the same place as that turd. Do not go near him and DEFINITELY keep your kids away from him. Tell your in-laws that you won't go to any event that he is at and if they can't understand, shame on them. I understand having unconditional love for your children. I don't understand why they treat the brothers so differently but if that's the way it is, it is not on you to make peace. If it can't be worked out, move on without them. Your husband and children do not need those kinds of people in their lives. It doesn't matter if they are blood related or not. Think about them as other people, not relatives, and decide if you want them in your life or your kids' life.

Answer 7

sooner or later holiday of boredom i became interpreting each and all of the final solutions to questions,whilst i found out that 0.5 the time ,the chosen answer made no logical experience by any ability, what it did do became stroke the ego of the questioner.or back up some delusional time table he became on approximately. absolutely everyone here for the standards purely, turns into on the instant upset the 1st time certainly one of their properly theory out ,articulate solutions gets bupkiss mutually as the standards flow to the guy whose answer to each thing is 40 two ! i think the sole elementary thank you to be certain on an answer is via vote and the questioner shouldnt get to vote, and then suitable contributor badges ought to get carry of to those that get the main ultimate solutions .regardless of if in one or many catagories.(No offence to modern-day corporation) So my element is there is not any element in attempting to make factors here. Have I made my element? peace ><>

Answer 8

Well I hope you told your husband and i hope he beat the hell out of his brother what a scum bag! don't go hun. Ignore the first immature response you got from the jack*ss telling you to grow up. He should go **** himself but anyways, never do something your not comfortable with

BTW I reported the guy who left the first response.

Answer 9

Just don't go. You don't need to explain yourself and you certainly don't need the stress of seeing this pig again. You and your family do not need to be exposed to these people. Who cares if their "family". I don't like some of my in-laws and my solution is to ignore them. They call, we don't answer and soon enough they get the hint and leave us alone. It main seem harsh, but you have to look out for your best interests, not their's.

Answer 10

wow. i mean rape is a big deal and you have to deal with him. i hope you have told your husaband.
other then that i suggest you tell your inlaws that you cant make it. if they try the guilt, just say no and walk away.
imaybe its better to do it over the phone