Is it ok to cheat to keep a family together?

Question

I am leaning torwards having an affair on my husband for sexual satifaction and affection. I have told him that he is slacking in that area time and time again. He cheated, and we are dealing with that right now (please review previous questions for more detail). I am really of thinking about having a fun and exciting sexual affair instead of divorcing him and tearing our family apart. Like he told me, it's only sex. Am I wrong? or is it justified

Answer 1

I red your other question, it sounds like he just needs someone to blame. Two wrongs don't make a right and you will probably end up with more problems then what it is worth. If you can have unconditional love for him do not be revengeful start a new life together and see what he thinks about swinging. Buy a toy for pleasure a cat or other pet for effection, something / anything, it just wouldn't be right to mess around just b/c he did and that is also not fair to the other person you would be messin' around with. He will resent you and it will only cause more problems. You will feel guitly and the kids are just caught in the middle; try being open minded, honest and mature with your husband. He as well, will have to have these things.... I honestly think that an afari at this point would not solve your problems or your hunger.... Your husband holds the key and if he can't be a man and honest about his sex life with you and you can't be a part of it why would you want to continue the marriage? Children or not. Play togethere or don't play at all.... and never behind one another's back!

Answer 2

I thing you would be wrong. Not only from a moral point of view, but because having an affair is unlikely to hold your family together. Besides, why do you want to live two half lives instead of one whole life, in which you can be happy and fulfilled. Also, you say you are dealing with his affair, but obviously not successfully. I would suggest finding a GOOD counsellor who can help you make these important decisions. I have never spoken to anyone who had an affair and afterwards were happy about it, it has always ended in disaster that I know of. Why go down the same road as so many others when we know it does not work, and is unlikely to leave you fulfilled? And its NOT just sex, its intimacy and friendship and everything else that goes with it that you are missing - an affair wont give you that. Hope this helps, good luck!

Answer 3

Sorry to be harsh but in no way is it justified.

It isn't only sex. I can promise that if I were single and you were already divorced and I was dating you, then found out that you had an affair while you were married, I would drop you like a rotten potato because the first requirement for a successful marriage is loyalty.

You made a covenant to be faithful when you married him and his unfaithfulness doesn't change that.

Think about it this way... would it be justified for you to go out and gamble away the family money just because he did? Is it okay to go out and risk bringing home deadly or at least extremely harmful sexually transmitted diseases just for fun and excitement?

Answer 4

The only justifaction you will get from having an affair will be that your family will be far more unstable than it is already and if stability is what you want, then I would certainly advise against having an affair.

Children are very sensitive and pick up on very subtle projections from their parents and are probabley aware that you are unhappy and this affects them in turn (though this is not apparant always) because they are also good at hiding their feelings as to not show what they know inside and often to protect the parent. An affair would make you resort to secretive and withdrawn behaviour and this will certainly be picked up on like a radar from your children.

As for the lack of sexual conduct from your partner, it is advisable that you speak again with him and let him know that this is causing you a lot of emotional pain and upset and that you feel undesirable and unfulfilled romantically. It could very well be that the guilt your partner feels for having the affair he did, is affecting his ability to engage in sexual or affectionate activities and because he is unable to forgive himself.

Some men have different ways of coping after an affair and it takes time for them to re-adjust to normality with their partners. He will need to talk through how having the affair has left him feeling because clearly, this has left some unresolved feelings on his part about what he did and perhaps why he cannot perform with you.

It isn't necessarily the case that he doesn't find you appealing sexually, just that his own guilt may be in the way. But what had happened for him to resort to having an affair is also lying at the back of this dillemma he also needs to be honest with himself and with you why he felt the need to do that because if he were happy enough with his relationship with you, it is very doubtful he would have done what he had.

No one is at fault or to blame, but that there are underlying issues here and perhaps seeing a relate counsellor is the way forward in this situation and would highly recommend this for you both. Tell him that you feel that this would help you to understand him and what he is going through and that by going to see a relate counsellor would bring you both closer together as a couple if you both want and intend for this marriage to work out.

If he doesn't talk with you nor a counsellor or want to work it out to save the marriage, then you will be driven to an affair and this would serve to make the marriage fail anyway. You will have to be patient for a while with him and explain that whatever he is carrying around with him needs to be off loaded onto someone and preferabley a counsellor who is going to offer a confidential
service to him alone and you as a couple.

This is also affecting the lives of your children no matter how much you both try and conceal the hurt and pain inside and I think your husband needs to know that. He needs to be firmly but kindly prompted to seek some counselling as a couple and on his own so that he can work out for himself what he does want and what he intends to do about the intimacy problem which is a very important part of life in a marriage. Many, many men have had counselling about having had an affair whilst married and there is no shame in that, though some men still feel it embaressing and don't want to talk about their feelings with a counsellor, but once they do, they wondered what all of the fuss was about.

It is not going to be easy and the problems will not just fade away, it takes committment and hard work, but as a couple you can do it and salvage the marriage because that is what you both want and this is what you need to persuade him to want if he is not showing any signs of wanting to.

Answer 5

cheating is never justified, even if he already cheated on you. i know how hurt you are by whats happened. i think the real issue isnt the sex, but something much deeper. it will be very hard to repair all the damage that has been done by his cheating, and i dont think it would be any good to go and cheat on him too. if you have kids, then you both will be setting bad examples for them. they look to the two of you as an example of how relationships should be. in my opinion, the two of you should go to counseling to resolve your problems. it will take a lot of work to get through the damage that his cheating has done to your marriage. please dont cause more damage by cheating too. also, i know you are hurt and lonely now, but do you really think sex with another man will make you feel good in the long run? even if you cant work out your problems, i would suggest ending the marriage before you try being with someone else. think of your children first.

Answer 6

If he isn't giving you what you need. There's someone out there that want's nothing more that to make you happy. It's not JUST sex. Define marriage...Does it include having sex with others? You have lost the intimacy. That doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me...More like just an arrangement with a piece of paper. You obviously don't care for the idea of cheating. So, I'd say it's time to move on.

Answer 7

Do you think you could keep it just sexual or will emotions filter in? In general (not all), men are more physical, so they can have a physical relationship without emotions. On the other hand, women in general (not all) are more deep and cannot separate the physical from the emotional relationship.

If you can do it, then maybe its worth it. People have stayed married for worse reasons. I have several friends who have done what you suggested and ended up rekindling the romance with their spouses.

Be careful, some of them have gone the other direction too and ended up in divorce.

Answer 8

You hold the standard!!! Don't cheat cuz it's just a trick of the devil. Men aren't as forgiving as women and if he ever found out you were cheating he will get rid of you like it aint nothing. Now, as far as your sex life it will take some time to gain that trust back, but if both parties are willing to work it out you will over come it. In the meanwhile get threapy NOW and try different things for making love. (ie toys,games etc...) I hope this helps

Answer 9

Most cheaters are of the opinion that it's "only sex" until they are cheated on!

But sure, go ahead - if it feels good, do it! Why worry your pretty little head about AIDS, HPV, or any of those other pesky little STDs! It'll be worth it! I mean, any man who would sleep with a married woman would be totally honest in all OTHER aspects of their lives, so you can believe them when they say they're not fertile, disease and drug free, and only sleeping with YOU!

Yep - totally justified too! You know, when bank-robbers hit my bank, I always use that as an excuse to turn around and rob THEIR banks!

Answer 10

No, it isn't right. It is better to get a divorce and show your kids that a marriage is about love. I know divorce is a terrible thing for kids, but it also teaches them that they have to be strong and not just settle for being unhappy in life. If you cheat on your husband, you will not only feel guilty but you also will be showing your kids that it is ok to cheat. Trust me, divorce is a better option.