Should I forgive my husband for hitting me?

Question

I met who I thought to be the great love of my life at age 35. We dated for almost a year and were married 4 months ago. He has a wonderful daughter (she is a challenge at age 13) and I have a 6 year old who both live with us. Blending the families has been a challenge. He is a wonderful man. I love him with all of my heart. I am difficult. I realize that. I get mad easily and I get my feelings hurt easily. This morning, we were in the bathroom getting ready for work. We were trying to have a discussion/argument. Then here comes his daughter...I told her we were trying to get ready for work and I slammed the door. He called me a B, slammed me against the counter and then pushed me on the floor. This is about the 4th time he has done something like this. What should I do? I can not imagine my life without him in it, but I also hate feeling like this.

Answer 1

No!

But if you're planning on staying with him. Start taking martial arts classes, work out, take boxing.

Feed him beer, pizza and let him stay on the couch as much as possible.

Continue this routine for a couple of years, let him get fat and out of shape as you continue to get strong, fast and deadly.

On the 2nd or 3rd annivserary of the beating, take him outside and pound the living sh!t out of him. Remind him what he did to you and ask him how it feels. Then you feel better and you can move on with your life like nothing ever happend.

Answer 2

No matter what else happens, yes, you should forgive him. If you stay together, the forgiveness is a path to rebuilding the relationship. If you leave him, the forgiveness helps ease the bitterness of a divorce and move you towards finding peace.

That said, it seems many of the posters here are following the age-old but terribly flawed Duluth model of abuse: man hits woman, woman forgives, man does not change and repeats behavior. The fact is, it is not as clear cut as that, as your own situation makes clear. Women can directly contribute to the situation, and men can overcome previous mistakes to become better men. When you slammed the door in his daughter's face, that was a less-than-acceptable act. Put yourself in his shoes: if he slammed the door in your son's face, how would you address it? On his end, he should know that shoving you is not the way to express his feelings. The other 4 times, were the circumstances similar?

True, violence is terrible and needs to be addressed, but unfortunately violence of varying degrees has always and will always be present in relationships. And it does not always escalate: some couples never go beyond the shoving/screaming stage. So the short version of what to do here might best be:

1) apologize for slamming the door in his daughter's face and ask him if he regrets his shoving you;
2) tell him that the shoving is unacceptable for so many reasons and must stop;
3) suggest marital and/or family counseling to resolve some of the anger/family blending issues;
4) state what you are going to do to handle your anger issues and ask him what he plans to do with his;
5) make clear you will not tolerate any future abuse, and that you will not commit any on your end.

You each need to address your parts in this mess, accept responsibility, and work towards a common solution for your sakes as well as your family.

Answer 3

I would first off say sorry you're going threw this!
But you need to sit him down and have a serious talk and tell him that he needs to get into an anger management group and if he EVER so much as brushes against you to hard it's over.
Now here's the most IMPORTANT part...DO WHAT YOU SAY! If he doesn't seek help: leave
If he touches you again: leave
This is no joke... if he DOES NOT LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO STOP then it will get worse and worse.
You are setting an example to the children in that house...do you think it's ok for his daughter to think she should be abused? Do you want your son to think that's how you treat a women? If you stay and tolerate this behavior then that's what your telling them.
You are responsible first as a mother now matter how "in love" you are. You make think they don't know what's going on...they do...
If this is the fourth time I don't think he's going to change...love yourself...take care of you....you are worth more then having someone put there hands on you for any reason...
Please don't make excuse's for him by saying you can be difficult! I am difficult too, I have a temper that I work on everyday, and I get my feelings hurt easily to....my husband of eight years has never layed a hand on me. GOD why do women put up with being abused....

Answer 4

A little shoving isnt the same thing as hitting. Thats pretty harsh though you should have him consider taking some anger management classes because things could escalade. This is something that shouldnt be taken lightly but I dont think that you should leave him for it. I've been shoved a few times but I have a mouth on me and I know that I push them. I think its my own sick and twisted way to find out if they ever would hit me. Because I dont think thats right so I push and I push. I dont know if your anything like me but it still seems to me that you should have him take some anger classes. And it sounds like you need some help too its not a good thing to get mad so easily. Work on yourself and if you feel so strongly about him and what he has done is so wrong tell him and dont attack approach it in a loving way.

Answer 5

Listen as nice as it may seem for you to have a family you can call your own, this man has hit you 4 too many times! I can get into all the emotionally scarring this will have on your children, watching their mother get hit by Dad. I could even get into how much this is taking away from your own personal self esteem. But the fact is you are here asking this question as if you need validation to leave. Well Darling you are hereby Validated! Get out of that realationship. Atleast separate and if you still feel that your unable to live with out him seek family counseling, intense family counseling before you even think about reunification. This man has issues that he is taking out on you and uses his challenged daughter to lash out at you. This is unacceptable by any means, no excuse for his putting his hands on you.
Sure you can forgive him that gives you some control over you life again. If you don't forgive him the pain, fear and anger will control you until you do.
Good luck sister. This is a hard thing to do I know but as a survivor of domestic violence myself its the only thing to do! It will only get worse if you don't.

Answer 6

The chances of this type of behavior continuing and getting worse is 100%. People have a difficult time changing. There is no reason for violence or name calling in any situation, ever!!! You don't know him as well as you think. Dating for almost a year, is not an adequate amount of time to know someone well enough to know all their behaviors and attitudes, etc. You need to think about what is best for the children. Not you, or him, but the two girls. They do not need to be subjected to this type of behavior. Think about how they may feel seeing him treat you this way??? Not to mention the ramifications of how they will believe they are to be treated by men. You need to do something.

Answer 7

That is a tough situation, especially when other children are involved. Some people are very sensitive about their children from a previous relationship. It looks like you both might need to get counseling. My wife and I had that problem when she had our son about a year and a half ago. She was hateful (maybe from postpartum depression), told me she wanted a divorce, and even hit me a few times, but I NEVER put my hands on her because I knew I could hurt her and it would make me feel bad as a person, even though she would have deserved it. She is just like you, gets mad easily and gets her feelings hurt easily, but doesn't think about what she says first. People have suggested a few times that we look to a marriage counselor, which I really don't want to do, but I know it might help. If not to solve the problem, but at least to talk about it. You two need to seek counseling or even a person that both of you trust to sit down and mediate between the two of you. Talking about how each of you feel (what you like, don't like) really does help. Or right a note to him telling how you feel and tell him to write back. My wife and I did that and it was just like talking. It really did help. I wish you luck.

Answer 8

No don't forgive him. His behavior will only get worse. I know this first hand because I have been there. It starts out with a little name calling and escalates into physical violence. I have had black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and more. They always say they are sorry.. til the next time. You might put on the wrong blouse, or dinner might not be ready at the right time, or you might look at his daughter the wrong way according to him. I would get out before it is too late. Before the abuse spreads to your son.

Answer 9

There's a big difference between forgiving someone who's hurt you and allowing the abuse to continue. Even if you can't bring yourself to get out of there for your own sake, consider what lessons BOTH of you are teaching the two kids.

Get out before it gets worse, and seek counseling. If you can get him to go too, great. He may tell you that he'll go to counseling if you move back, but don't! Wait until he's made progress with the counseling before you consider moving back in. Remember that leaving doesn't mean you don't love him - and make sure he knows that. But you need to do what's best for you and the children, which is chiefly making yourselves safe!

Answer 10

I'm not saying its your fault but try to manage your feelings a little better. Talk with him go to couples therapy so that you will be more calm and he wont hit you anymore. Tell him that you don't appreciate him hitting you (its not right at all) But you have to remember that she is his daughter and he feels the need to defend her above everything. Go to couples therapy and let a professional help you guys. It can end bad if you don't do it. If he denies in doing it tell him that its for you. That you need help, It don't matter as long as you both get help . It sounds like you love him but you have to solve this problem because you have a six year old, You need to care for him too.

Answer 11

HERE IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL YOU KNOCK THE S*** OUT OF THIS MAN YOU ARE NO ONE'S PUNCHING BAG EVERYONE IS DIFFICULT AT TIMES NOT JUST YOU IM SURE HE IS NOT MR PERFECT HE WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU THIS WAY HE IS NOT YOUR PERFECT MATE YOU KNOCK HIM HARD GIRLFRIEND WATCH MADEA'S FAMILY REUNION AND YOU DONT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LET A SORRY A** MAN HIT YOU FOR NO REASON THERE IS NO REASON WHAT SO EVER A MAN SHOULD HIT A WOMAN I DO NOT RECALL THE BIBLE SAYING "ADAM IF EVE DON'T MIND YOU , YOU TAKE A STRAP TO HER AND PUSH HER TO THE GROUND LIKE A DOG " YOU NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP AND GET YOUR A** AWAY FROM THIS SO CALLED MAN WHO LIKES TO HIT WOMEN IF HE DOES IT ONCE HE WILL ALWAYS DO IT YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT AND YOU KNOW IT AND IMAGINE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT HIM IT WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER if more women would do to their spouses, boyfriends, lovers, or whatever that farrah fawcett and lorena bobbit done there would hardly be any abuse anymore....get a grip you are not lassie i dont care if he says he is sorry he just says that so you will stick around so he can do it again.....WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE,..............