I've hurt my wife in so many ways (physically, emotionally, verbally, etc.) to the point where she moved out. I'm going through counseling in order to help me, but to also get my wife back. My wife explained to me that she is not willing to come back home to me until I straighten up and fly right. I've promised to her before that I would, but never did. This time I have, but she is having a hard time trusting in me. She's my soul mate and I can't see my life without her. My question is, how do I go about showing her that I've changed for the better.
2006-10-26 04:56:03 · 26 answers · asked by hys7768 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Here's the deal, I can sympathize with your wife, I have been in her shoes. But it sounds to me like you are trying, and this time you are wanting to make the change. She will need time to see that the changes are permenant. A couple of months is very easy to show improve and then you could slowly go back to where you were. Maybe see if she will go to some of your counsiling sessions. And slowly try to work things out. Give her time, don't try to rush her. Start slow and work your way up little by little. If she does come back and you work things out, stay with your counsiling. Be honest with her, even if you know she won't like what she hears, and try to start over, clear the air about everything that is/was wrong with your relationship. Be willing to accept her critisim and her opinions without getting mad. This would be something that you could discuss with you counsler, and see if he/she can mediate if you can get her to start going with you, even if she only goes every other time.
2006-10-26 05:08:27 · answer #1 · answered by givelife 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Short of throwing yourself on your sword or chopping off you small pinky finger al la yakuza style I couldn't even begin to tell you.
The problem is that any one thing you do will not change anything overnight. In fact, you may be talking seveal months to a year before she might even consider that you're serious about changing or seeing any change.
Trust takes a short time to establish in the beginning. It takes ages to re-establish and in fact you may never, ever have her complete trust. Rightly so from what you've said about yourself. Were I she I'd be very leery too.
Counseling is a start but know that despite any effort you put forth it may not bear fruit with the relationship. You may want to look into establishing another and starting out again, making it quite clear to whoever you meet just what your issues were in the past and why the first marriage failed. You'd also be wise to be quite honest and forthcoming about it. If you hope to establish trust in a new relationship (and keep it) your honestly and having the self control and smarts to watch yourself will hopefully pay off in the future.
With most people like you I ordinarily sneer at them and consider them a waste and getting what they deserve. In your case however I give you credit for realizing what a dick you've been and taking serious steps to get your mind right. Its too bad it got to this point where your wife left you and you see how valuable she was for you all along. If this doesn't work then apply what you've learned about yourself 100% to your next relationship. If that fails...God Forbid...then you're doomed to a solitary existence for the remainder of your days.
Good luck and don't fail.
2006-10-26 05:27:58 · answer #2 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You will just go right back into your old patterns.
The only way to truly learn to be a better person is to accept your evil ways, accept the guilt and accept the CONSEQUENCES of your actions.
Wallow in the consequences for a while and look at the pain and lonelyness as punishment.
Then, go out and find a person you are more compatable with who doesn't trigger those anger problems like she did (NOT saying it's her fault) but some people don't deal with incompatability as well as others.
And someone who knows how to handle you and put you in your place when you're acting like a jackass.
Then learn to get your second chance with THAT person.
The one you are miserable over? It's too late, you BLEW it, let her move on and get someone who will treat her right.
But will you learn from your mistakes?
Time will tell and the new person will be the test.
2006-10-26 05:00:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You have to give her time. You have to understand that you put her through so much hell...to the point where she has just had enough of your crap. She is trying to heal all the damage you have done to her. You can't force her to come back to you. All that will do is force her to stay away from you even longer. Give her the space she needs to heal...when or if she's ready to come back to you...she will. You have to focus on you right now. That's all she wants from you right now...when she gets the true feeling that you've changed (believe me if you guys have been together for more then a decade...she can read you like a book)...she'll come back. But time will tell.
2006-10-27 06:29:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may not be able to apologize for what you've done in the past. You may need to start from NOW and move on from here. It would have to be slow and you'd have to stay in counseling. You need to perhaps take her counseling with you - IF she is willing to work with you and help you become the husband you want to be in the future. You can't blame her for not trusting you for the past, but you can work to start regaining her trust in baby steps. Good Luck!
2006-10-26 05:05:27 · answer #5 · answered by Lioness 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Unless you know that you really can completely transform and change your life, I think it you really love her you'll let her go. Sincere apology is very important. Doing what you've promised her is also very important. If you know deep in your heart, and I mean really, you know and are completely willing to change, then tell her you will. But if you know deep down, that little voice that's telling you the truth, that you may not be able to do this, you need to tell her that too and let her go.
2006-10-26 05:05:34 · answer #6 · answered by ixi26c 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be understanding and give her time. You've hurt her terribly and it's going to take you showing her that you can be trusted again. It may never happen and if not, you changed for the better for yourself.
2006-10-26 06:03:46 · answer #7 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You will just have to convince this time. Trust me it is going to be hard to do this. Only do it if you are sure that you can keep your word! First off, don't do the things you were doing. Make her feel like she is the only thing that matters to you. Flowers and candy alone are not going to fix things, it has to really come from your heart. As long as you mean well and are honest with her, she will see you have chanced. Good Luck!!
2006-10-26 05:12:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
trust is not easy to regain especially for someone who has repeatedly done wrong to the person he loves. she will eventually return but you have show her that you've changed. not just overnight or after a week or a month. it takes time. if you can't live without her, show her that you are worthy of her and that your life together will change for the better.
2006-10-26 05:22:55 · answer #9 · answered by sheilanmanny12 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, this will be difficult to do. You said yourself that you physically abused her. You know yourself that NO ONE deserves to be abused. You know this, but you did it. I'm concentrating on the physical abuse, because that means that you hit her. Why do you think she would come back to you after that? No, she is not going to trust you. You can't expect her to. The one thing you have said here that is wrong, is that your going through counseling to get help, but to also get your wife back. This is the wrong reason to go to counseling. You need to concertrate on yourself and getting yourself healthy. Because your abuse is not healthy for you OR for you wife. That is why she left you. She doesn't deserve it, you know that. You need to get your act together, continue your counseling, concentrating on you and your actions, not getting your wife back. It may be that she will never come back to you. This may happen. But I'm sorry, you have no one to blame for this but yourself. We all make mistakes in our life. Our loved ones are hurt from those mistakes no matter what the mistake. But, you have to give her time to come to terms with what she has been through. She has to decide on her own, if she wants you back in her life. You cannot make that decision for her, nor can you sway her decision. Just get the help you need, deal with "your" problem in hand, and by doing so, she will see that you are on the road to recovery. She may give you another chance in the end. But don't be surprised if she doesn't. You said yourself, you had promised you would get help before and didn't. Now you have to give her time to digest all of this. You really do need to find out the bottom line of all the anger you have inside. Abuse comes from deep within. Something must have happened to you sometime in your life and you took it all out on your wife. Get to the bottom of the problem, work through it and you will be a better person in the end for it. This is one time you need to be selfish and think about you and getting better. The rest will come................
2006-10-26 05:45:28 · answer #10 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋