When is a relationship abusive?

Question

My boyfriend and I always get into these fights where we go back and forth and I always end up crying. He threatens me on the phone by saying "Shut up or im going to hang up". I mean is this relationship a verbally abusive relationship? He is always telling me bad stuff about myself and how he doesn't like this and that about me, but if that is the case then WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? I stay for the bad mouthing because I think he is going to change. I tell him about it or I will tell him how what he is saying is making me cry and his come back is "You are making yourself cry". Everytime something happens it always ends up being my fault but if that is the case THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE...is my question. I talk to everyone else but him about how I feel about our situation because I feel like if I say the wrong thing he will leave me. I tell him that and he says "you are making yourself feel like that". My mom says "I hear ya'll arguing at 2am in the morning". Is it verbally abusive?

Answer 1

No, I have been abused...and this isnt' it. This is typical couples fighting. Sounds like you don't belong together though. Relationships should be fun...not an emotional chore. Find someone who will be nice to you.

Answer 2

It sounds like you're staying in it but don't really know why. If all you 2 do is argue and fight why stay in the relationship? Just because you love him isn't a good enough reason. A relationship should be a partnership where 2 people have things in common and enjoy spending time together. If he is always telling you what he doesn't like about you , why are you staying should be the question. As far as him saying "you're making yourself cry", he is actually right about that....you teach people how to treat you and you're sitting there putting up with his nonsense when what you should do is get up and walk away and tell him you won't be spoken to that way. You are allowing this guy to walk all over you and make you feel bad about yourself. Stop asking why he is still there and ask yourself that question.

Answer 3

sweetie you need to know this... if he like this now he will always be like this and Im saying this from experience. The only way he will change is if YOU leave him in one these times. He will never understand how you feel and what he does to you if you dont leave. See these type of guys are jsut like my boyfriend. He was very verbally abusive and a couple of times physically k. What you are going through is verbal abuse but at its weakest point. When he says stuff that he doesnt like about you that is his way of convincing you that you are not good for anybody and that everyone you come across will think the same way. Well guess what hes wrong and there are people out there that think more of you than that. Their worst fear is rejection, so when you walk away from him it makes him even more mad right? or hang up the phone and stuff like that makes him mad. These are things are the things you need to keep doing. Tell him that you will not be talked to like that and treated like that. What you need to do most of all is leave him so he will know that you are not joking around with your life. I left my bf so many times and eventually they get the hint and relize that if they want to be with us then they will have to play by our rules. Now days he says your stupid and stuff like that but I can deal with it as long as hes not doing anything like it used to be. So it can get better but you really have to make a stand and I know it hard but in the end you will find out what was really meant for your life.Please trust me all will work for the better. Stay strong and whatever you do dont listen to him.

Answer 4

Boy, he sure knows how to push your buttons. He is definitely verbally abusive. He keeps you with threats of leaving you. He's worn your self esteem down to the point that you feel that if he leaves you, you won't survive or find someone else who would love you because you feel like you're worthless. But you know what? You aren't worthless, you are just being made to feel like that so he can keep you in "your place". Just think about it. What happens if he does leave, or hang up on you? Wouldn't the peace and quiet be great?! He wouldn't be yelling at you anymore. I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 5 years, and that's 5 years I won't get back. Let him go, it's scary, but it'll save you years of misery.

Answer 5

anytime you have a relationship that makes you feel like every thing's your fault it most definitely is abusive. Abuse is many different types common being sexual, physical and emotional. All of these have one thing in common they all make you feel like it is your fault. The truth is the abuser needs to feel in control and to do that they need you to doubt yourself. PLEASE GET OUT BEFORE it gets worse. they never get better NO MATTER HOW MANY times they promise to. Help yourself and you can do better believe it or not you do deserve better.You come off as a great person who cares about others. Now care about yourself. Good luck I'll be prating for you to do the right thing.

Answer 6

Your boyfriend is certainly manipulative... he uses your own feelings against you. ANY TIME a person uses your feelings and emotions against you, that is wrong.

http://cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.htm



Instead of asking your boyfriend, you need to as yourself:
WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM?
HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE! LEAVE NOW!

Is it because you are afraid he is right - that you can't do any better? That no one else will love you like he does?

He is WRONG and is trying to make you stay when he says these sorts of things. He is manipulative and has issues... he wants you to feel as bad as him - and if he has to bully, cuss out, yell at, or hurt you to do so, he will. This is what makes him not good for you.

Don't be afraid to leave him because you are afraid of being alone.

Be strong, and leave him before it gets PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE!!!

Answer 7

This is weird.. I am going through the exact same thing right now. It is HELL to know that you have to give up something so dear to you...because in your heart, THEY WILL CHANGE. If you truly want to stay with him then the first step is that he has to admitt to his problem. The way that I solved this with my boyfriend was he had pushed me over the edge one night and I completely went off on him. Told him he isn't worthy of me, broke up with him, then we both got separate counseling so that eventually we can be together. But in order to take the next step: HE HAS TO ADMITT TO HIS PROBLEM OR IT WILL NEVER WORK.

These are the signs of an abusive relationship:
When you find yourself making excuses for his behavior.
When you change the way you act around friends or boys becuase you don't want to make him mad.
When he physically hurts you (duh).
If he blames you for something that is obviously not your fault.
If he EVER calls you a name. (there is no excuse for this.)
If he constantly makes you feel down.

I know that you probably love him, but this is a verbally abusive relationship. You need to get out. Think about it this way. It starts out with a threat, then a name call, then maybe a pinch, then a slap, then the next thing you know he is beating the living crap out of you. Get out of this relationship NOW...it is not safe anymore. Don't let it escalade.

Answer 8

Without hearing exactly what he says it is hard to say if the relationship is abusive. However, it sounds like you are in a very unhealthy relationship. If he is making you feel bad about yourself, it is time to let him go. You deserve better then that. It will hurt at first, but you will be better off.

Answer 9

See he is blackmailing you by saying he will leave you and getting you to do and say what he wants by using that to scare you. Next time he says it: Tell him okay and get up and start packing his stuff. If he says hes going to hang up on the phone tell him to go ahead. Come on hes hanging up the phone. However a man who tries to control you when you are dating will continue to treat you the same way and worse when married. In stead of asking him why he is still here ask yourself why you are still here? Good luck I hope everything works out and remember you don't have to take his BS just tell him to get lost.

Answer 10

I've been in your shoes! And i truely recomend that you leave him, even though its going to hurt. Especially if you guys have been together for a while. but truely sweety why put up with someones sh*t when you can be happy with someone else. i know it may take time to find someone that you are happy with but atleast you'll be happy. You should be single and able to party all you want. He shouldnt be tellin you that you can't talk to certain people. you should be able to be free in a relationship. Also have trust. He is verbally abusing you. Just let him go sweety! Because it aint goin to take a 360 turn.

Answer 11

well, it sounds like its verbal abuse. But if he really loved you, he wouldn't put your relationship on the line. I know what your talking about because I've been through the same stuff. It only got worse. But some people do change and others don't. But like I said if he really cared and loved you he wouldn't put your relationship on the line. Well I hope that helped!! Good luck!