I've asked this before but it didn't get too much response, and I'm hoping for a tad bit more help...
Okies, so I wrote this for some anthology thing.. Tell me what you think... I welcome constructive criticism, oof, and please tell me what ideas or what pictures it puts across. =)
''Sufficiently Overdosed by your touch,
Perfectly Intoxicated with your affection,
Intensely Suffocated with your kiss,
Extremely Overpowered by your eyes.
Amazingly Stranded in your arms,
Sufficiently, Perfectly, Intensely,
Extremely, Amazingly, Dangerously
...In Love''
Well, yeah, constructive criticism, be honest now! Lol.
2006-10-26 03:53:07 · 13 answers · asked by ]x[Jodie]x[ 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Other - Entertainment
Are you in love with a 25 stone stalker?? You say you are overdosed, suffocated, overpowered, stranded......are you sure you want to be going oot with this lassie? She sounds like a ball crusher....
2006-10-26 03:56:37 · answer #1 · answered by rondavous 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sounds like a very poor verse from a 50p greeting card to me. Also it is riddled with mistakes and bad analogies.
Sufficiently Overdosed - makes no sense.
Perfectly Intoxicated with your affection - you get intoxicated BY something, not WITH something.
Intensely Suffocated with your kiss - again, you get suffocated BY something, not WITH something.
Extremely Overpowered by your eyes - poor use of the word "extremely", doesnt fit well to "overpowered", sounds weak.
Amazingly Stranded in your arms - to be "amazingly" stranded reads poorly and makes little sense.
Sufficiently, Perfectly, Intensely,
Extremely, Amazingly, Dangerously - a recap of the words used above, this works well. However, you have no line starting with "dangerously". Either put it on the next line as a separate line, leave it out, or include a line starting "dangerously"
In Love - congratulations, I hope the person you send this to appreciates it more than me
2006-10-26 04:01:01 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
A bit too much dictionary and thesaurus. "Sufficiently overdosed" is just too much at odds and stops the readers flow as the reader tries to try to solve the equation of a sufficient overdose.
Blank verse is amongst the hardest of romantic poetry, especially if it is not written in iambic pentameter. It would not take all that much work to make your piece flow.
If it were mine, I would begin by chopping off the leading Quantifiers.
2006-10-26 04:16:12 · answer #3 · answered by Terry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This speaks to me of toxic love. The kind that sucks the soul out of you but you can't give it up because you are addicted to the intensity of feeling it produces in you.
2006-10-26 04:02:14 · answer #4 · answered by wattie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Lots of adverbs!
I like it, though, it starts off slowly, then the tempo builds till it's very quick at "Dangerously" then it drops suddenly.
So the tempo kind of matches what it's really like to be in love.
I also like the first two words, there's a lot in there.
Nice work!
2006-10-26 04:02:50 · answer #5 · answered by nev 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Like it very much, but for me it has several meanings. It could just be someone innocently writing about the person they love deeply. However, it also could be perceived as an addict talking about their drug, because of the language used it could sound like the person is so wrapped in the drug it has surrounded them.
2006-10-26 03:59:07 · answer #6 · answered by Robakai 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
the first word I think of is infatuation. strong overpowering love maybe. deeply into someone. this is the images I see. it was a good poem.
2006-10-26 03:55:42 · answer #7 · answered by Ginnykitty 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I loved it, it is so empowering it shows both sides of hate and love and if you wrote that props to you. you are a magnificant writer adn you seem to think alot.. but all-in-all i loved it
2006-10-26 04:05:09 · answer #8 · answered by someones_cowgirl07 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
the only part i have a doubt about is "dangerously", that is the only negative aspect of an otherwise truly romantic poem
2006-10-26 03:58:00 · answer #9 · answered by tonywuzere 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Wow I like it I would love to have someone special send me a poem like it
2006-10-26 03:56:33 · answer #10 · answered by delmonticoman 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋