married i have not spoken to his family due to things they have done, now we seem to argue about me not going over there to see them and he does not understand how uncomfortable they make me feel. He said his family will always come first. Do you think i should stick it out and deal with it or leave b/4 we go any further?
2006-10-26 02:57:30 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
yes i love him but i dont like them and everytime he goes i say no and then im a big bithc and they all sit there and talk **** about me all night, and its hard to forget the past things they have done or said
2006-10-26 03:05:57 · update #1
yes i love him but i dont preffer them and everytime he goes i say no and then im a big ***** and they all sit there and talk **** about me all night, and its hard to forget the past things they have done or said even though i never said or did anything to them
2006-10-26 03:06:37 · update #2
i also have told him many times i am your family i come first i told him i would choose to see him over my family any day and he said blood is thicker than anything thats why im ready to call it quits
2006-10-26 03:20:02 · update #3
Kat. If you love him, you will do what ever for him. But if you talk about your family do you leave anyone simply, you cant right, so you may deal this matter very simply, you need to get adjusted to him and his family, try to be there for some time and take your husband. thats it
2006-10-26 03:08:29 · answer #1 · answered by Krrishh 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand where you're coming from, been there! But you have to be mature about this issue... It is not an issue that you should even be considering divorce... Everything is temporary and things will change hold out for that. You just need to tell your husband that you need to heal before you can go over there and act like all is fine b/c it is not and that you are afraid of sticking up for yourself and you just might say something that will make things worse. Tell him your pain and hurt feelings are still fresh and if they would like to see you they can come to your house if you don't want them over then you'd better go with him. My husbands daughters all three of them treated me very bad in the begining and still 7 years later I am hurt and everything they have said and done is still on the top of my mind I will never forget and I am still trying to forgive. It is on my terms when I see them b/c on the wrong day I would make things worse and my mouth could start things back up very easily, we get along o.k. now and they are trying sometimes but I on certain days I don't and won't. I have to remember that I am the adult and grudges will only make me sick and come between growth. His daughters come first and that is fine no problems there, make your family come before him if that will make you feel better. But I promise you this things will change I don't know how long it has been for you since they treated you nasy but I am sure they got your point by now. My step children have mine some days they call and want to come over while their dad is at work and I make it hard for them b/c I just don't want to deal with their ways especially if he isn't around hard telling what they'll do or say... I do think by now they have realized I'm not putting up with their **** and I also think they feel bed and know they should have treated me different b/c things could be a lot different now between us. I barely give them the time of day anymore but they cused it! Not me...
You are already married and you are his wife in most cases you do come first but he doesn't even know that! Relax all will be fine! Heal don't let it drag on as long as my hurt feelings have...
2006-10-26 10:48:35 · answer #2 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand how hard it is because I have been the bad daughter-in -law in 2 different marriages. I am also the on the other side with a bad sister-in- law. But the answer is suck it up and go. You have to look like the better person or yes it will ruin your marriage. We have to do a lot of things we don't like and if this the only problem with hubby you have to understand that his family may have done all those terrible things and he knows it but that is still his family.
2006-10-26 10:08:46 · answer #3 · answered by dixiedarling 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh man I hear you on this one. I am in a similar situation but my man has chosen me over the family. They lie and treat him like S*** and talk down to him so the choice wasn't too hard. But recently one of his brothers said nasty stuff about me (and made up stuff and has since banned me from his house and Thanksgiving but my man is still invited) That was the clincher he isn't going to any family event if I am not invited he chose me over them and told them it wasn't a hard choice..Uggh so irritating! But I too go bregrudgingly only to my neice and nephews b-day parties.. As Christmas is generally with my family. And Thanksgiving is just with us (usually) a tradition we started when we first were going out. It is never easy with family but sometimes you have to swallow it and go to the family functions for him. I always set a time we leave by as a reason I am going but leaving no later than X time. But the biggest problem is he hasn't chosen you first.. and he should.
You have been together a while and know the drill so you have to ask yourself what is more important ---being with your man or making a break before his family drives you mad? I don't know if you can answer that question but go by your gut and tell him how you feel belittled and left out and that he comes first for you and so should you to him! Good Luck !
2006-10-26 10:44:26 · answer #4 · answered by Sassy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in a semi-similar situation. My husband has not seen my family since we got married three and a half years ago. He can't stand them. I don't ***** him out for not going over there with me, because he has his reasons, and I don't really care one way or the other. Of course he loves me and I love him, but I am not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Talk to your husband and tell him that you choose not to go over there, naturally you understand his love for his family, and you would never prevent him from going over there. However, you are not going. Also, point out that you are his family now and he shouldn't just toss you to the side when mommy calls. Good luck and don't give up.
2006-10-26 10:10:45 · answer #5 · answered by brandiwhine 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I will not accept disrespect from anyone including my in laws.
Now, if your doing all the right things to get along with your in laws and they have or continue to do things against you which are painful then you have a right to voice your opinion and feel the way you feel.
When you marry someone, you cut the apron strings of your parents that being a grown adult.
Now when he says his family come first, you are his family and you most importantly are his wife and that should count for something.
Now if he wants to resolve this issue, he should bring all parties involve into a commonsense approach to resolving the issues that bothers you especially if it is ruining his marriage.
If he wants you to go and see his family, then he should get to the bottom of your issues so you can feel comfortable one day being in their presence.
Don't make him choose between you and his family because that doesn't resolve anything but escalate the situation.
All I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate, and expect your concerns to be addressed.
2006-10-26 10:06:40 · answer #6 · answered by words from the heart 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You married him and part of being married is dealing with family you don't like. My advice is just be nice, you don't have to be their friends, hang out with them much, or even like them. When you know you have to deal with them, grin and bear it and be the bigger person. Then you can go home and vent to your friends or family over drinks and dinner. You have been with him this long, so just deal with it. It seems dumb to leave a marriage over you not liking his family. Sometimes part of life is being uncomfortable. So make a point to show up on holidays or if you are invited. Maybe even drive your own car, stay for an hour, and make a polite excuse so you can leave early. Be a big girl and deal with it if you love this man - that is the right thing to do.
2006-10-26 10:05:18 · answer #7 · answered by Michaela 4120 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, in marriage, you should come first, then children, then your respective families. If that's not the case, then priorities need to be rearranged. Remember that you made a vow for better or worse. So many these days forget the bad parts of marriage and are ready to run as soon as something hard comes up. Marriage is a job, it takes hard work to keep them together. Try hard, hon.
2006-10-26 10:04:27 · answer #8 · answered by nada 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He married you. you should come first and then his family. Keep trying to talk to him about this if he still doesn't understand then may be you should seek counseling so that there is a mediator to help. I don't know what the family did but it might not hurt to try --that would make you the bigger person and hopefully he would see that but i can't say for sure. Maybe going at holidays but that would be up to you.
2006-10-26 10:29:05 · answer #9 · answered by sunshine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is one HUGE mistake in this. He married you so now you are NUMBER ONE not his family. He needs to get that straight right away! Secondly, you ought to give his family a chance to change. When I was with my husband before we got married his family did and said things that were terrible to get us to break up. But we got married anyway and I gave them a chance to accept it and they have. Granted, they have turned out to be great people but you never know. His parents could be the same. Just open your mind and give them a chance. This will show your husband how much you care and that you think he is number one in your life. Now, if they blow it and continue to say hurtful things to you than he needs to step up and defend you. He's not a kid anymore and a wife comes before mommy and daddy.
2006-10-26 10:08:19 · answer #10 · answered by Phaylynn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋